Fits and Starts
Waking is harder than falling asleep.
I only mean that within the metaphor of my yearly emotional cycle. I remember June quite clearly, I remember feeling gradually more lethargy. I fought for awhile, pushing myself to take walks and the like. Then there was a clear day when I woke up with the desire for nothing but passively watching something: bingeing Twin Peaks, perhaps. (I tried. I kept conflating two of the poofy-haired rich philandering asshole dudes, and very few of the many quirky characters had progressed from annoying to mildly interesting. I gave up after episode 3 or 4. The music was great, though!)
I wished I'd written down that date in late June or early July, exactly. Hard data would be so good! Livejournal's no help, this is my tenth post of the entire fucking year! Crazy. I hope I do NaNoBloPoMo and maybe in some other months, or a modified form. Recording my life is such a good thing for me, even if it's just to amuse myself.
Anyways, waking fucking sucks. Here I am at week 3 (or more) of hideously irregular sleep. How many more to go? Looks like I stabilized right around Halloween, last year, but my California misadventure plunged me into a deeper than usual hibernation. Who knows if I'll be fully awake by Thanksgiving, even. *sigh*
I do have a new theory on why this is so: sleep. Changing a circadian rhythm from "let's sleep 7-8 hours a night!" to "let's sleep 9-10 hours a night!" is gentle and easy. It'd be rougher if I had a set time I needed to be up every morning, but not awful. But going from 9-10 hours a night to "oh, whatever. 4-6 should do!" is a transition I still have no idea how to smooth over.
I did make it to church yesterday, and was awake for goodly stretches of the daylit hours, both Saturday and Sunday! Is that joyous? I dunno. Shortly before starting this entry, I wrote Tiger a silly email fueled by droplets of pure mania. Luckily its contents are all suggestions, and he may well ignore the whole thing. I'm blushing a little bit and trying not to send a follow-up "um, there was some cray-cray in that last email, please delete it without reading" because it doesn't matter much. But I'm also blushing because I told him I'd be available all day tomorrow, and clearly (she says, eyeing the 4:57am on the upper right hand corner of the screen, noting her body making meek 'hungry' signals and only her eyes even vaguely tired), the only thing I'm going to be doing all day is catching 40 winks.
I did just have two stellar weekends in a row, and I should be chattering all about them. But that other sure symbol of Awake is happening, my attention is straying. I wanna play video games or catch up on obscure blogs or find something to do that's creative, quiet, and a totally different track. Ooo, maybe I'll retouch some Californian photos!
One last thing: I've been growing my hair since September 6th. It's soft but not poofy or scraggly yet, but I must decide tomorrow if I wanna do that mowhawk/mane thing I've been thinking about for ages, or the triangle of topmost-hair that Hannah Hart rocks so hard, or grow it long enough to experiment with other sk8er boi/butch-type cuts or . . . I dunno! I kinda miss pushing fingers through it. I really don't want heat-trapping long-everywhere hair, especially since I'm leaning towards joining a gym and getting back into running. But my scalp seems to be really loving having an extended break from the weekly assaults from the buzzer. Maybe it'll be better with a new buzzer? I'm thinking of giving the local barber shop a try, in the hopes that they will give me cute cuts and not the gym-teacher-trying-desperately-for-femme that a Supercuts gave me once. Horrors.
I only mean that within the metaphor of my yearly emotional cycle. I remember June quite clearly, I remember feeling gradually more lethargy. I fought for awhile, pushing myself to take walks and the like. Then there was a clear day when I woke up with the desire for nothing but passively watching something: bingeing Twin Peaks, perhaps. (I tried. I kept conflating two of the poofy-haired rich philandering asshole dudes, and very few of the many quirky characters had progressed from annoying to mildly interesting. I gave up after episode 3 or 4. The music was great, though!)
I wished I'd written down that date in late June or early July, exactly. Hard data would be so good! Livejournal's no help, this is my tenth post of the entire fucking year! Crazy. I hope I do NaNoBloPoMo and maybe in some other months, or a modified form. Recording my life is such a good thing for me, even if it's just to amuse myself.
Anyways, waking fucking sucks. Here I am at week 3 (or more) of hideously irregular sleep. How many more to go? Looks like I stabilized right around Halloween, last year, but my California misadventure plunged me into a deeper than usual hibernation. Who knows if I'll be fully awake by Thanksgiving, even. *sigh*
I do have a new theory on why this is so: sleep. Changing a circadian rhythm from "let's sleep 7-8 hours a night!" to "let's sleep 9-10 hours a night!" is gentle and easy. It'd be rougher if I had a set time I needed to be up every morning, but not awful. But going from 9-10 hours a night to "oh, whatever. 4-6 should do!" is a transition I still have no idea how to smooth over.
I did make it to church yesterday, and was awake for goodly stretches of the daylit hours, both Saturday and Sunday! Is that joyous? I dunno. Shortly before starting this entry, I wrote Tiger a silly email fueled by droplets of pure mania. Luckily its contents are all suggestions, and he may well ignore the whole thing. I'm blushing a little bit and trying not to send a follow-up "um, there was some cray-cray in that last email, please delete it without reading" because it doesn't matter much. But I'm also blushing because I told him I'd be available all day tomorrow, and clearly (she says, eyeing the 4:57am on the upper right hand corner of the screen, noting her body making meek 'hungry' signals and only her eyes even vaguely tired), the only thing I'm going to be doing all day is catching 40 winks.
I did just have two stellar weekends in a row, and I should be chattering all about them. But that other sure symbol of Awake is happening, my attention is straying. I wanna play video games or catch up on obscure blogs or find something to do that's creative, quiet, and a totally different track. Ooo, maybe I'll retouch some Californian photos!
One last thing: I've been growing my hair since September 6th. It's soft but not poofy or scraggly yet, but I must decide tomorrow if I wanna do that mowhawk/mane thing I've been thinking about for ages, or the triangle of topmost-hair that Hannah Hart rocks so hard, or grow it long enough to experiment with other sk8er boi/butch-type cuts or . . . I dunno! I kinda miss pushing fingers through it. I really don't want heat-trapping long-everywhere hair, especially since I'm leaning towards joining a gym and getting back into running. But my scalp seems to be really loving having an extended break from the weekly assaults from the buzzer. Maybe it'll be better with a new buzzer? I'm thinking of giving the local barber shop a try, in the hopes that they will give me cute cuts and not the gym-teacher-trying-desperately-for-femme that a Supercuts gave me once. Horrors.