(no subject)
It's the night before my 39th birthday, and I'm a mix of mellow and grumpy. I'm usually stoked for my birthdays, so this is unusual for me. I'm going to be celebrating just the way I wanted, this year: yes, another fabulous feast, but this one's just by and for me, Coyote, and Tiger.
I do like the idea of hosting dinner parties, in the future when I'm living in some spacious place that has a dining room. (Fancy!) I even like the idea of hosting a birthday-dinner party, so that my friends can fill themselves with good food and then scamper off to drink and party the night away at wilder fêtes.
I had a few years in a row of attempting a birthday-dinner party in this tiny place, with mixed results. Most people are just too committed to other parties, I guess including setting up said parties. Or driving to them, if they're off in another state or whatever. For awhile I was in a really tight-knit Tabletop group, but then two years ago, Mikal got drunk and had everybody sing the Wedding March instead of the birthday song when my cake came out. He thought it was hilarious. I managed to fight back my furious tears, but I can no longer trust him when it comes to my birthday cake. So last year, I didn't have a birthday cake on my real birthday, and that made me so sad.
It's like the old logic puzzle about the canoe, the dog, the bucket of fish, and the cat. Or whatever it is. Can't trust Mikal + birthday cake. Birthdays need cake! So, no Mikal at birthday. Best not invite anyone else in that group, either. So who else is left, who actually might possibly come? Um. foxglovedt , maybe. She's awesome, but she's not a party all in herself.
So this year, just me and my boys. It's nice so far, I am really digging that Dish Mountain was bulldozed completely by the combined powers of Coyote and I. What's left, for tomorrow? Make a cake, make butternut squash purée. Vacuum/clean a bit, but only if I wanna. My lovers are used to this mess, so there's a lot less pressure. Maybe make a playlist. Maybe give myself sparkly purple nails, since both my cooking things can be done well ahead of time.
Oh, and make a new Rage deck! I have decided that after dinner, Coyote and I are going to teach Brad how to play a Collectible Card Game that was published when he was in elementary school. But I think he'll really like it, there's blood and guts and guns and lots and lots of killing.
It's not the booze-soaked bacchanal that most people do on NYE, but not quite my parents' longstanding tradition of assembling a big jigsaw puzzle, either.
Mrrr. There's a thing I have to write about, and I don't wanna. As a matter of habit, I don't record bad events in this LJ. Not the really bad ones, anyway. I mean . . . breakups, sure. Grief, yeah. Other personal hardships, okay, but I tend not to record anything that can be filed under "social group drama". Talking about it, anywhere, can get right back to the perpetrators and make the whole situation worse. But I also have this tendency to think to myself, "well, if I don't record it, maybe I won't remember it, and that would be lovely".
There was something that happened a year or two after I started this blog, and it was really devastating. Cost me friendships for years, and my only roleplaying outlet. I just didn't roleplay for like 3 years, at all, and it had been my favorite hobby. I've since mended all the fences (er- except one, maybe, but he's a prickly sort anyways) but it's still a painful memory.
I now think my decision not to mention it, here or in any paper journal, was a mistake. I think there are feelings of pain and hurt that writing could've helped me get through.
What happened a week and a half ago was not nearly as bad, but it's still hard to talk about. But NaBloPoMo made me braver in my writing, and I want that trend to continue. Even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.
So here's the longer version of the vaguebooking I did.
I was so hyped to play Hidden Flame again, a Werewolf LARP that my usual LARP branched off of many years ago. I feel wistful when I reread the entry of the hyper creature I was that Saturday afternoon. I'd somehow memorized the time as noon instead of 2pm, which had me near the game site two hours early. Luckily silentstephi answered the phone! Unluckily, I had woken her, and she was really sick and could've definitely used another hour of sleep. But she corrected me and I got my super-eager ass some cheap Chinese lunch, wandered in one of my favorite local toy stores, and finally settled in a rarely-visited library with a book.
When I returned to the game site, one of the apartments' three denizens was leaving for work. Aw, bummer! I was hoping to get to hang out with him again, too. But soon I was settled in a chair, chilling with what I considered at the time old friends, one or two acquaintances, and an ex-friend. The ST was so happy to see me! And I was glad to be there- that's an understatement. Despite the static I felt oozing from the ex-friend like balefire, I was thrilled.
Maybe my character, Indigo, was overcompensating in her excitement. And I was, too. I was loud, and that was the first thing that one of my acquaintances started being annoyed at. To my utter surprise, she teamed up with my ex-friend to bring their OOC annoyances IC, and disclude me from the entire game. And hey, their characters were the ones in charge, so they could, and nobody could protest.
Yep. They brought a Cub, a know-nothing delicate baby of a Werewolf along on their mission, but left the Cliath behind. And I would have just stayed there and observed the scene (or even better, done the DJ thing and played a mix of music everyone might like as background music), but by that point the ex-friend and acquaintance had been sniping at me so often and so cruelly that I got a little internal warning of "oh hey, I'm going to cry in 60 seconds". I said quick goodbyes to two friends who were between me and the door and left.
IC (In-Character) meanness? Indigo deserves it, it's fine. OOC (Out of Character) meanness? Um . . . from the ex-friend, very expected, from the acquaintance, not at all. And the game was so small, there just weren't enough neutral/positive people to balance out the two negative ones. The mean girls growled as the interloper entered their territory, and I bolted.
I got about three houses away before the tears started flowing. I cried and cried and cried, not usual behavior for me but not surprising. There's a lot going on in December, I eventually reach a point where I'm overwhelmed and just break down for a bit. So that cruelty was the straw that broke the camel's back, but it was more of a lead pipe.
Immediately, I was annoyed at myself for leaving and contemplated returning after I calmed down. But as I walked (fucking freezing that night and I hadn't changed back into my warmer traveling clothes), I decided that my reaction was okay, so long as I did not let a few growls chase me all the way away from something I very badly want to do.
The next game is four days from now, also in the same place (which is the home of the ex-friend). I will go with more trepidation than before, but I also have some good ideas for being less annoying, maybe. And I will stay 'til the very end. Even if it means I have to dash to the bathroom to "fix my makeup" or whatever. I will stay. And hopefully, there'll be more people, a bigger buffer zone. But even if there aren't, or some of the expected-buffers also decide to say disheartening things OOC, I will stay. Eventually, they'll get used to me. Perhaps they'll kill off a few of my characters, but whatever. I can make more.
It would be a good idea to have a backup concept or even a sheet ready, as I walk in to this next game. I've been toying with a metis concept, since I haven't played one in ages and my metis tend to be submissive as fuck . . . we shall see! Maybe that's what I'll do with the rest of my awake-time tonight, since all the Rage cards are in the room with the sleeping Coyote.
Hey, now. That wasn't so bad. I do feel better. I didn't record the specific things that were said, so maybe they'll still get erased and not played on repeat when the negative tape loops start up again in the late Spring/early Summer. I'd feel even better if I could bring a genuine ally with me, but Tiger doesn't seem too interested and Coyote is much fiercer in his determination to avoid the ex-friend than I am. Other close friends who like LARPing are in the same boat, or just way too fucking busy.
I honestly don't know how long I can maintain dedicating two Saturdays a month to LARPing, or three if I do the other one too. I know one of the things I hate is eating lots of fast food, so I must be careful to bring leftovers or sandwiches for at least one LARP-day meal. If I can get Tiger interested, he and I are welcome to cook in the CT house, I know that. Anyway, despite the setback, I'm still excited. I have the LARP bug back in a way I haven't in years, and I'm already doing silly things like thinking about a warmer outfit for Indigo and planning scenes with another Tribemate in the area. This feels good! I'm gonna keep at it, mean girls be damned.
I do like the idea of hosting dinner parties, in the future when I'm living in some spacious place that has a dining room. (Fancy!) I even like the idea of hosting a birthday-dinner party, so that my friends can fill themselves with good food and then scamper off to drink and party the night away at wilder fêtes.
I had a few years in a row of attempting a birthday-dinner party in this tiny place, with mixed results. Most people are just too committed to other parties, I guess including setting up said parties. Or driving to them, if they're off in another state or whatever. For awhile I was in a really tight-knit Tabletop group, but then two years ago, Mikal got drunk and had everybody sing the Wedding March instead of the birthday song when my cake came out. He thought it was hilarious. I managed to fight back my furious tears, but I can no longer trust him when it comes to my birthday cake. So last year, I didn't have a birthday cake on my real birthday, and that made me so sad.
It's like the old logic puzzle about the canoe, the dog, the bucket of fish, and the cat. Or whatever it is. Can't trust Mikal + birthday cake. Birthdays need cake! So, no Mikal at birthday. Best not invite anyone else in that group, either. So who else is left, who actually might possibly come? Um. foxglovedt , maybe. She's awesome, but she's not a party all in herself.
So this year, just me and my boys. It's nice so far, I am really digging that Dish Mountain was bulldozed completely by the combined powers of Coyote and I. What's left, for tomorrow? Make a cake, make butternut squash purée. Vacuum/clean a bit, but only if I wanna. My lovers are used to this mess, so there's a lot less pressure. Maybe make a playlist. Maybe give myself sparkly purple nails, since both my cooking things can be done well ahead of time.
Oh, and make a new Rage deck! I have decided that after dinner, Coyote and I are going to teach Brad how to play a Collectible Card Game that was published when he was in elementary school. But I think he'll really like it, there's blood and guts and guns and lots and lots of killing.
It's not the booze-soaked bacchanal that most people do on NYE, but not quite my parents' longstanding tradition of assembling a big jigsaw puzzle, either.
Mrrr. There's a thing I have to write about, and I don't wanna. As a matter of habit, I don't record bad events in this LJ. Not the really bad ones, anyway. I mean . . . breakups, sure. Grief, yeah. Other personal hardships, okay, but I tend not to record anything that can be filed under "social group drama". Talking about it, anywhere, can get right back to the perpetrators and make the whole situation worse. But I also have this tendency to think to myself, "well, if I don't record it, maybe I won't remember it, and that would be lovely".
There was something that happened a year or two after I started this blog, and it was really devastating. Cost me friendships for years, and my only roleplaying outlet. I just didn't roleplay for like 3 years, at all, and it had been my favorite hobby. I've since mended all the fences (er- except one, maybe, but he's a prickly sort anyways) but it's still a painful memory.
I now think my decision not to mention it, here or in any paper journal, was a mistake. I think there are feelings of pain and hurt that writing could've helped me get through.
What happened a week and a half ago was not nearly as bad, but it's still hard to talk about. But NaBloPoMo made me braver in my writing, and I want that trend to continue. Even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.
So here's the longer version of the vaguebooking I did.
I was so hyped to play Hidden Flame again, a Werewolf LARP that my usual LARP branched off of many years ago. I feel wistful when I reread the entry of the hyper creature I was that Saturday afternoon. I'd somehow memorized the time as noon instead of 2pm, which had me near the game site two hours early. Luckily silentstephi answered the phone! Unluckily, I had woken her, and she was really sick and could've definitely used another hour of sleep. But she corrected me and I got my super-eager ass some cheap Chinese lunch, wandered in one of my favorite local toy stores, and finally settled in a rarely-visited library with a book.
When I returned to the game site, one of the apartments' three denizens was leaving for work. Aw, bummer! I was hoping to get to hang out with him again, too. But soon I was settled in a chair, chilling with what I considered at the time old friends, one or two acquaintances, and an ex-friend. The ST was so happy to see me! And I was glad to be there- that's an understatement. Despite the static I felt oozing from the ex-friend like balefire, I was thrilled.
Maybe my character, Indigo, was overcompensating in her excitement. And I was, too. I was loud, and that was the first thing that one of my acquaintances started being annoyed at. To my utter surprise, she teamed up with my ex-friend to bring their OOC annoyances IC, and disclude me from the entire game. And hey, their characters were the ones in charge, so they could, and nobody could protest.
Yep. They brought a Cub, a know-nothing delicate baby of a Werewolf along on their mission, but left the Cliath behind. And I would have just stayed there and observed the scene (or even better, done the DJ thing and played a mix of music everyone might like as background music), but by that point the ex-friend and acquaintance had been sniping at me so often and so cruelly that I got a little internal warning of "oh hey, I'm going to cry in 60 seconds". I said quick goodbyes to two friends who were between me and the door and left.
IC (In-Character) meanness? Indigo deserves it, it's fine. OOC (Out of Character) meanness? Um . . . from the ex-friend, very expected, from the acquaintance, not at all. And the game was so small, there just weren't enough neutral/positive people to balance out the two negative ones. The mean girls growled as the interloper entered their territory, and I bolted.
I got about three houses away before the tears started flowing. I cried and cried and cried, not usual behavior for me but not surprising. There's a lot going on in December, I eventually reach a point where I'm overwhelmed and just break down for a bit. So that cruelty was the straw that broke the camel's back, but it was more of a lead pipe.
Immediately, I was annoyed at myself for leaving and contemplated returning after I calmed down. But as I walked (fucking freezing that night and I hadn't changed back into my warmer traveling clothes), I decided that my reaction was okay, so long as I did not let a few growls chase me all the way away from something I very badly want to do.
The next game is four days from now, also in the same place (which is the home of the ex-friend). I will go with more trepidation than before, but I also have some good ideas for being less annoying, maybe. And I will stay 'til the very end. Even if it means I have to dash to the bathroom to "fix my makeup" or whatever. I will stay. And hopefully, there'll be more people, a bigger buffer zone. But even if there aren't, or some of the expected-buffers also decide to say disheartening things OOC, I will stay. Eventually, they'll get used to me. Perhaps they'll kill off a few of my characters, but whatever. I can make more.
It would be a good idea to have a backup concept or even a sheet ready, as I walk in to this next game. I've been toying with a metis concept, since I haven't played one in ages and my metis tend to be submissive as fuck . . . we shall see! Maybe that's what I'll do with the rest of my awake-time tonight, since all the Rage cards are in the room with the sleeping Coyote.
Hey, now. That wasn't so bad. I do feel better. I didn't record the specific things that were said, so maybe they'll still get erased and not played on repeat when the negative tape loops start up again in the late Spring/early Summer. I'd feel even better if I could bring a genuine ally with me, but Tiger doesn't seem too interested and Coyote is much fiercer in his determination to avoid the ex-friend than I am. Other close friends who like LARPing are in the same boat, or just way too fucking busy.
I honestly don't know how long I can maintain dedicating two Saturdays a month to LARPing, or three if I do the other one too. I know one of the things I hate is eating lots of fast food, so I must be careful to bring leftovers or sandwiches for at least one LARP-day meal. If I can get Tiger interested, he and I are welcome to cook in the CT house, I know that. Anyway, despite the setback, I'm still excited. I have the LARP bug back in a way I haven't in years, and I'm already doing silly things like thinking about a warmer outfit for Indigo and planning scenes with another Tribemate in the area. This feels good! I'm gonna keep at it, mean girls be damned.