NaBloPoMo post 11: Kid Stuff
It seems like almost every queer person I've met has a totally cute story about how "they always knew". These are stories that adults will tell again and again about one moment in their childhood where they did something conventionally girly, or stereotyped for the culture they'll join when they're older, or just flat-out kisses or romance or sexual experimentation with "the wrong" or "both" genders.
Psychologists are torn on them. On one hand, yes, there's a good deal of evidence now to suggest sexual orientation is hardwired. On the other, all kids will do a lot of random things, and maybe you're putting too much emphasis on one lesbian kiss amongst a lot of other heteronormative experiences. On the third hand, everyone struggling with new identities will look back and grasp at those experiences, because it's very reassuring to know that you're not suddenly changed, but rather finally accepting something that you've always been.
Try as I might, I can't find any adorable little kid memory that positively indicates bisexuality. Not until well into puberty did I even begin to notice women, and it's always been an annoyingly rare woman who makes me flutter.
But anyway, my other deviancies are easier to trace back.
My kinkiness? Games where there are slaves, like the humans being slaves to My Little Ponies. Saddles and bridles as functional bondage. When I was a tween, horror movies thrilled me, stirred this darker side to me that I'm so happy I'm finally indulging properly.
My genderlessness? In third grade, me and this kid Jeremy would ignore the teacher and whisper our own conversations. He made me laugh so many times, I perfected the art of silent giggling. Then one day, out of nowhere, he asked me out. I turned him down, with a snort and a flat "no", and shouted "NO!" angrily when he asked again. But I know the source of that anger now, I was so pissed off that my good friend didn't want to be my best friend, but turn me into that thing I wouldn't desire myself for at least a decade: girlfriend. I really ought to apologize, that derisive rejection couldn't have been good for his ego.
I wasn't any sort of tomboy as a kid, I was a fragile little flower who loved dresses and reading and unicorns and was devastated when mom cut my long hair to shoulder-length. But when I was around 14, I sort of tried to be a skateboarder and taught myself how to climb trees and ran around every park or woods I could.
But the best story is about how I've been polyamorous my whole life. I have a large My Little Pony collection, and would play with them by myself for hours and hours. They had a lot of individual relationship styles. Since there were so few males, the Ponies had a grand mating ceremony, once a year. The males would gather on one cliff, the females on another. Each male would take turns picking a mate, but there was no rules on how long you had to stay with that mate. Some would stay together for the full year, others just a few days, weeks, or months. Only one pair stayed together year after year, but they were Primaries. The male in that couple would mate with others, and occasionally the female would, too. There was little jealousy, a lot of love, and yes, even some monogamy. The one that came in the bridal outfit, she'd stay with her guy until they mutually parted, however long that was.
I love these stories, because they feel like superhero origin stories. It's when people ask me things like, "how long have you been into art" that I stumble and can't come up with good answers. Maybe that'll change as I become more confident and proud of that aspect of myself. One can only hope!
Psychologists are torn on them. On one hand, yes, there's a good deal of evidence now to suggest sexual orientation is hardwired. On the other, all kids will do a lot of random things, and maybe you're putting too much emphasis on one lesbian kiss amongst a lot of other heteronormative experiences. On the third hand, everyone struggling with new identities will look back and grasp at those experiences, because it's very reassuring to know that you're not suddenly changed, but rather finally accepting something that you've always been.
Try as I might, I can't find any adorable little kid memory that positively indicates bisexuality. Not until well into puberty did I even begin to notice women, and it's always been an annoyingly rare woman who makes me flutter.
But anyway, my other deviancies are easier to trace back.
My kinkiness? Games where there are slaves, like the humans being slaves to My Little Ponies. Saddles and bridles as functional bondage. When I was a tween, horror movies thrilled me, stirred this darker side to me that I'm so happy I'm finally indulging properly.
My genderlessness? In third grade, me and this kid Jeremy would ignore the teacher and whisper our own conversations. He made me laugh so many times, I perfected the art of silent giggling. Then one day, out of nowhere, he asked me out. I turned him down, with a snort and a flat "no", and shouted "NO!" angrily when he asked again. But I know the source of that anger now, I was so pissed off that my good friend didn't want to be my best friend, but turn me into that thing I wouldn't desire myself for at least a decade: girlfriend. I really ought to apologize, that derisive rejection couldn't have been good for his ego.
I wasn't any sort of tomboy as a kid, I was a fragile little flower who loved dresses and reading and unicorns and was devastated when mom cut my long hair to shoulder-length. But when I was around 14, I sort of tried to be a skateboarder and taught myself how to climb trees and ran around every park or woods I could.
But the best story is about how I've been polyamorous my whole life. I have a large My Little Pony collection, and would play with them by myself for hours and hours. They had a lot of individual relationship styles. Since there were so few males, the Ponies had a grand mating ceremony, once a year. The males would gather on one cliff, the females on another. Each male would take turns picking a mate, but there was no rules on how long you had to stay with that mate. Some would stay together for the full year, others just a few days, weeks, or months. Only one pair stayed together year after year, but they were Primaries. The male in that couple would mate with others, and occasionally the female would, too. There was little jealousy, a lot of love, and yes, even some monogamy. The one that came in the bridal outfit, she'd stay with her guy until they mutually parted, however long that was.
I love these stories, because they feel like superhero origin stories. It's when people ask me things like, "how long have you been into art" that I stumble and can't come up with good answers. Maybe that'll change as I become more confident and proud of that aspect of myself. One can only hope!