Eerie, Indiana fanfiction: Presentation
"What are you doing?" asked Marshall.
Simon looked up, one gloved hand carefully cupped to contain a small pool of viscous liquid that sat glistening in his palm.
"I'm giving this chupacabra a macadamia nut oil message," he said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
On the padded, towel-lined table in front of him, a scaly lizard-dog gazed up at Marshall with black, uncomprehending eyes. Marshall held it's stare for a moment before looking away, back at Simon.
"Okay," he said. "I have two questions about this. One, do you not know that chupacabra are outlawed within city limits, and if so, why would you risk bringing the Mayor's wrath on all our heads just so you could give a weird hairy reptile a rub-down, and two, more importantly, why are you giving a weird hairy reptile a rub-down in the first place?"
"Well," said Sheila, twisting down out of the light fixtures like blue diaphanous smoke dressed in surgical scrubs, "For a start, if the Mayor wanted to prosecute under the "No Chupacabras" clause, he'd have to admit chupacabras exist, openly, in a court of law, and that he'd spent time and effort legislating against them while on the public payroll. It's the sort of thing supermarket tabloids would love to hear about, and the one thing he hates more than unlicensed cryptids are journalists."
"It's less 'journalists' and more 'nosy people in general'," Simon corrected her. "Since these days Syndi and Marshall are about neck and neck in terms of times they've been threatened by the Mayor."
"No, she pulled ahead a couple of weeks ago," said Marshall. "Something about City Hall jumping the queue for organ donation and how, if you were going to harvest body parts, it should be to save lives first and summon dread entities from beyond the vale second. I don't know, she was being really braggy about it and I stopped listening."
"I read that article," said Sheila. "I don't know that I agreed with her conclusions, though. Yes, a heart translate could potentially save two lives, but burning it in a sanctified brazier with the appropriate herbs and spices can stop an eldritch dairy cow deity from rising for decades at a time." She shrugged. "Seems to me the easiest thing to do would be to get more milk trucks on the road until they've increased the supply of corpses to cope with demand. Coffee?"
They declined, politely.
"Anyway," said Marshall, once Sheila had drifted off to do some filing, answer the phone, or contemplate the metaphysical implications of the Cone of Shame as it pertained to jackalopes, "I actually came by to see if you wanted to meet up with Mom and Dad for lunch, but now I'm not sure I want to be seen in public with a dangerous chupacabra-massaging criminal. Syndi's already outclassing me, I don't need my best friend doing it too."
"If it helps," said Simon, running both hands over the lumpy skin of the chupacabra's flank, "I'm not doing this to piss Chisel off, I'm actually doing it as part of a plan to make a reasoned and adult appeal to get him to take chupacabra's off the not-in-my-backyard list."
He poured more oil over the row of spiny ridges lining the chupacabra's back, and went on.
"See, chupacabra's feed on goats. It's quite literally in their name. And while I can see that nobody particularly wants their pet goats to get eaten, we've had bridge trolls living quite happily on the river beds for generations - I mean troll generations, not human, so we're talking a couple of centuries for every new troll litter - eating every cloven-footed beast that goes trip-trapping over their roof. And nobody legislates against them, we just don't take our ruminants for a walk over troll-infested waters."
"Okay," said Marshall, still not quite seeing where this was going.
"And we don't have goat farmers, or wild goats, anywhere near Eerie," said Simon. "There's the three nanny goats at the Eerie Petting Zoo, the Gruff who lives on the far side of Wolf Mountain, the yearly visit from Krampus, and-"
"And the Jersey Devil," said Marshall, with a sigh. "I hate him."
"Everyone hates him," said Simon. "So we have a mid-winter spirit who can definitely defend himself against a scaly lizard-dog, a magical beast whose cabin in the woods is out of flux with our own reality, the Petting Zoo is so tightly warded even Harley can't break in there if the zoo keepers want him kept out, and a cryptid that doesn't even belong in Indiana and who only shows up to mess with you."
"It's got a weird thing about Syndi," said Marshall. "I think it thinks her tasing him that summer was some kind of... messed up courtship ritual. Now it just kind of mopes around outside her apartment building until someone calls Officer Derek to come and take it away."
"See?" said Simon. "If we were allowed chupacabras, the Jersey Devil would probably stop dropping by in case it got all it's blood sucked out."
Marshall nodded slowly.
"Alright," he said. "Let's say I'm on board your pro-chupacabra bandwagon, or at least the adjacent I-hate-the-Jersey-Devil bandwagon. Why the massage?"
Simon looked down at the chupacabra, who appeared to have fallen asleep.
"That's kind of a sensitive topic," he whispered. "See, if there's not a viable agricultural or economic reason to keep them out, I figured that Chisel's objection to them has to be aesthetic."
Marshall eyed the mottled, pinkish-grey skin of the creature in front of him.
"Oh," he said, comprehension dawning. "You think he doesn't like them because they're so gross-looking."
Simon put his gloved hands over the chupacabra's raggedy, batlike ears and glared.
"Shh!" he hissed. "Don't say that stuff in front of him. Jeez, Mars."
"Sorry," said Marshall, suitably chastised.
"He doesn't need to know he's ugly!" Simon whispered, before taking a deep breath and removing his protective grip on the Chupacabra's skull. "But yes, I'm going get him smartened up and looking presentable, and then I'll take him to Chisel and make my case for lifting the ban."
Marshall looked at his friend, and at the mangy, semi-reptilian thing that lay between them.
"It's going to need a lot of smartening up," he said.
Simon shrugged.
"I already have a call in to the Ladies," he said. "And if this needs more glitter than even they can provide, Tod McNulty owes me a favour."
Marshall stared.
Trusted Associates, Inc.
Halloween by froodle, in which Mars and Simon celebrate a Von Orloff-free All Hallows Eve
Surprise by froodle, in which Mars tries to make sure Simon's birthday goes a little better this year
The Glade by froodle, in which Simon and Mars visit a place that only exists on February 29th
Egg Hunt by froodle, in which Simon and Mars partake of some traditional Easter activities
Boardwalk by froodle, in which Simon and Mars are swayed by radio advertising
Lady in Red by froodle, in which Simon experiments on the old-fashioned radio in the Secret Spot, and horror ensues
Waiting In by froodle, in which there is an ice-storm and a handyman does not arrive
Seafoam by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall go to the seaside
A Night at the Circus by froodle, in which a carnivale comes to town, and Marshall and Simon do not enjoy themselves
Taking a Break by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall enjoy some much-needed R&R
Model Railway by froodle, in which a new business prepares to open in Eerie
Shoreline by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall investigate strange happenings on the shores of Lake Eerie
Parade by froodle, in which Mars takes issue with the Eerie Beekeepers Association's choice of mascot
Homestead by froodle, in which Marshall finally gets something useful out of shop class
Hound by froodle, in which Simon makes a friend
Errands by froodle, in which Simon has a to-do list
Slyboots by froodle, in which a certain corporal of the infernal regions comes to Eerie. Crossover with Johannes Cabal the Necromancer.
Waterlogged by froodle, in which Eerie experiences heavy rainfall
Festival by froodle, in which Eerie's local businesses celebrate the summer
Strawberry by froodle, in which there is unauthorised hubbub in Eerie
Wildlife by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall go to the beach
Facilities by froodle, in which the Eerie Bus Station and Supper Club has a problem with the men's toilet
Anticipation by froodle, in which Simon and Harley look forward to the Equinox
Castle by froodle, in which there is unexpected architecture in Eerie
Visitor in which Marshall's grandma comes to stay
Euclid by froodle, in which Marshall and Simon investigate strange events at the Eerie Cemetery
The Hut by froodle, in which Simon takes on the forces of Eerie solo
Microwave-verse
Bonfire by froodle, in which Pinocchio is ruined forever
Gingerbread by froodle, in which there is a witch in the Eerie Woods
Leaves by froodle, in which plantlife finds Marshall entirely too enticing
Offspring by froodle, in which there are dragons
Based on Your Previous Purchases by froodle, in which Mars should really pay attention to Amazon's reccomendations
Housework by froodle, in which a rota cannot be agreed upon
Breakfast by froodle, in which Dash's attempts at cookery do not go well
Ghost in the Machine by froodle, in which a new laptop opens an old wound
Consequences by froodle, in which an encounter with leprechauns leaves the boys very tired indeed
The Microwave by froodle, in which Andrea Fantucci returns to Eerie after a considerable absense
The Eldritch Abomination in the Room by froodle, in which the microwave is most definitely not discussed
Basic Household Maintenance by froodle, in which manticores are inconsiderate houseguests
Torrential by froodle, in which there is a storm, and the boys eat ice-cream
Linens by froodle, in which Dash X makes a bed
Night Music by froodle, in which Simon is woken by a nocturnal visitor
In For The Night by froodle, in which Dash refuses to leave the house
Hound by froodle, in which Simon makes a friend
Errands by froodle, in which Simon has a to-do list
Waterlogged by froodle, in which Eerie experiences heavy rainfall
Wildlife by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall go to the beach
Rainbow by froodle, in which Dash fails to properly appreciate Michael Flatley
Jackolantern by froodle, in which the local pumpkin patch has a problem
Janet
A Ghost in Pink by froodle; Janet's family during the year she was Lost
Jogging by froodle, in which Janet Donner adapts to life in regular Eerie
Plans by froodle, in which Janet Donner deals with Daylight Savings Time yet again
DST by froodle, in which there is a lighthouse
Figurehead by froodle, in which Lake Eerie's ghost pirates encounter the lighthouse
Teller Family History
First Date by froodle, in which a young Edgar Teller shows off one of his earlier inventions
Popcorn by froodle. Friday night is always movie night in the Teller household.
The Teller Home for Displaced Youth by froodle, in which Edgar harbours some doubts about his new home town
Lawn by froodle, in which Marilyn Teller contemplaces some yardwork
Tornado Day, Revisited by froodle, in which Syndi learns exactly what it means to be Miss Tornado Day
Wildlife by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall go to the beach
Culinary Delights by froodle, in which Syndi's terrible cooking may or may not have been an accident
Camping by froodle, in which Syndi cannot sleep
Artist in the Family by froodle, in which an immortal creature takes a liking to Syndi
Without Due Care and Attention by froodle, in which Syndi finally becomes mobile
Waiting In by froodle, in which there is an ice-storm and a handyman does not arrive
Brunch by froodle, in which Marilyn does not appreciate Edgar's help in the kitchen
Handmade by froodle, in which the Tellers receive a Christmas package from Marilyn's mother
Poor Life Choices by froodle, in which Syndi loves her brother anyway
Lillian by froodle, in which Marilyn's mother has concerns
Visitor by froodle, in which Marshall's grandma comes to stay
Nap by froodle, in which Marshall has a quiet moment in the Secret Spot
Fresh Sheets by froodle
Tradition by froodle, in which Dash and Marshall decorate a Christmas tree
Hometown by froodle, in which Mars and Syndi visit New Jersey
Holmes Brothers
The End by froodle, in which Simon reads Harley a bedtime story
Drains by froodle, in which clowns are evil, murderous sacks of shit, and Simon is having none of it
Kaleidoscope by froodle, in which Simon has cause to regret buying cheap toys at the World o' Stuff
Sneakers by froodle, in which the latest Sky Monsters are released
Reception by froodle, in which Simon has problems with his mobile phone
Festival by froodle, in which Eerie's local businesses celebrate the summer
Strawberry by froodle, in which there is unauthorised hubbub in Eerie
Anticipation by froodle, in which Simon and Harley look forward to the Equinox
The Hut by froodle, in which Simon takes on the forces of Eerie solo