head full
sometimes i feel like all i am doing will never be enough; like i am floating in the middle of the ocean and my head is an inch above water, and the rest of me is heading south, my arms flapping, struggling to hold on. what if no one ever sees me, no one ever sweeps me off my feet, no one ever finds themselves within myself.
i feel like i just constantly dig myself into holes and then assume ill make it out later, but never really do. i miss my mom and feel so awful for wasting her money by missing class to fly clear across the country for a week of me trying to understand what is i i have been feeling. i miss my house; my room and my kitchen. and i know, i know that will never go away; that longing for home. until i actually create a home for myself i will just feel like a waif- even for christmas, and summertime. and then i start thinking about all the people that used to be in my life- and why they are not anymore. and feel more like a fool. i want to be standing on the beach, smelling the ocean, instead of ten feet underwater.
i need to start reading more. and writing. and making things for the people i love...because maybe a smile is what they need to feel okay for at least a day.
the thought of life being pointless is always present, too. that nothing really matters and no matter how bad i feel or how long i sleep or who i miss- it does not matter. at all. i am a grain of sand on that endless beach i long to stand on. and all i feel i should really do is devote myself to giving to someone else; the peace corps is calling my name, but even that may not be that much of a help because i could screw up. but, i promise myself i will find a way to devote every inch of me to something bigger than who or what i am. i promise myself that i will not waste my life being a loser, full of hatred and resent- i will make someone somewhere very happy with food or the ability to read or warm clothes or a roof over their head. and the peace corps will start me off, but i hope it launches me into many many new things. because otherwise, the pointlessness will take over and drown me for good.
and maybe ill find myself happy along the way of seeing the world; that has to be a trade off for giving it all up- total bliss.
i feel like i just constantly dig myself into holes and then assume ill make it out later, but never really do. i miss my mom and feel so awful for wasting her money by missing class to fly clear across the country for a week of me trying to understand what is i i have been feeling. i miss my house; my room and my kitchen. and i know, i know that will never go away; that longing for home. until i actually create a home for myself i will just feel like a waif- even for christmas, and summertime. and then i start thinking about all the people that used to be in my life- and why they are not anymore. and feel more like a fool. i want to be standing on the beach, smelling the ocean, instead of ten feet underwater.
i need to start reading more. and writing. and making things for the people i love...because maybe a smile is what they need to feel okay for at least a day.
the thought of life being pointless is always present, too. that nothing really matters and no matter how bad i feel or how long i sleep or who i miss- it does not matter. at all. i am a grain of sand on that endless beach i long to stand on. and all i feel i should really do is devote myself to giving to someone else; the peace corps is calling my name, but even that may not be that much of a help because i could screw up. but, i promise myself i will find a way to devote every inch of me to something bigger than who or what i am. i promise myself that i will not waste my life being a loser, full of hatred and resent- i will make someone somewhere very happy with food or the ability to read or warm clothes or a roof over their head. and the peace corps will start me off, but i hope it launches me into many many new things. because otherwise, the pointlessness will take over and drown me for good.
and maybe ill find myself happy along the way of seeing the world; that has to be a trade off for giving it all up- total bliss.