JUGS bulletin 2005
Been a while since I updated the members of the Junta for Unlimited Global Sovereignty.
For those of you unfamiliar with JUGS, you can find information about inspiration, executive leadership, and state-of-the-art training in older blog posts.
This bulletin is more in nature of a warning for all you Horde of Terror minions out there. Simple --though costly-- errors can be avoided with even simpler precautions.
This kind of sloppiness really takes the starch out of my Nehru jacket. Minions in the Balkan Mountains at 6000 feet on a chilly spring day and they think it's the most natural thing in the world to come across a blonde, brunette, and redhead standing around sunning their blouse bunnies with nothing but some colorful knickers to keep from getting windburned. I mean really!
Do these clowns honestly think three hotties climbed the slopes of Rarau-Giumalau in heels?
I can understand their enthusiasm, the cash bonuses paid for hogtied attractive additions to a Strutting Satrap's Seraglio fly under the IRS radar screen -- but this is chicken-counting of the worst stripe. There's danger in that attractive stand of bush; as you can see Alan Ladd has a Thompson waiting to open up on the priapic privates as soon as they bunch up to offer the girls cigarettes.
It's for moments like these that we do all those taser and tear gas drills, minions. A couple of pinpricks and 1.76 Joules later, these beauties will be on the on the ground ready for handcuffing, and I want to see Captain Hero take aim with benzyl bromide in his eyes. The girls' eyeliner might run a bit, but that can be fixed back at the Fortress of Evil Totty Preparation Salon.
Let caution be your watchword, especially when facing threats of this cup-size.
What's Captain Norman Numbskull doing wrong in this picture? List the lash-worthy blunders in your HoT exercise book.
Okay, pencils down.
1. Making the critical error of beating off a woman capable of nothing but screaming while his mate's getting an LAPD signature choke-hold thanks to Durban McTurban behind him. Watch your comrade's back and he'll watch yours, minions!
2. Wanting to get rid of Sweet Polly Puppies in the first place. Have you ever been shipwrecked? It's pretty boring, bobbing around in the ocean. She'll at least provide a little entertainment before you have to eat her.
3. Never beat someone into submission with your only oar. She looks like she's going to take it overboard with her. Use your belt-knife (the blood will attract sharks who will solve your problem that much quicker) or deck shoe.
4. Don't get sunk in the first place. Duh.
Let me sum up by saying be careful with my tramp steamers, minions. You don't have to pay my shipping insurance premiums, and if I have to tell my agent I lost one more to some desperate hero breaking out of the brig and opening the sea-cocks, I'll get dropped for sure.
Oh, Lord, and that was my last pitcher of Viagra-and-Enzyte Sangria, too!
This particular clusterfuck, other than being a fashion nightmare, shows a number of critical tactical errors. First off, you should never let a blonde-haired man with clean teeth bring grapes into the harem. You're just asking for trouble. Second, I know a well-wound turban impresses the girls, but we issue coal-scuttle helmets for a reason. Failure to wear yours while on duty means a visit to Tanya the Lotus Eater, whose flogger collection is unrivaled outside of Riyadh. Third, again, swords look cool but they're for the dancing girls to balance on their heads. Riot shotguns and the H&K .45 tactical models should provide the firepower you need to take on a man armed with a liter of cheap plonk. Hand to hand combat in the harem just messes with the girls' hairstyles and leads to time-wasting searches under the hassocks and Persian rugs for a lost earring.
Remember, harem-guards, emasculation is no excuse for sloppiness!