Speaking Truth To Romance
I've received several requests here at Bohemian Word Werks to give struggling guys out there a few tips on how to be better whatever-they-ares to the whatever-they-call-them in their lives.
So I'm going to start a feature here, Speaking Truth To Romance, to deal with these important issues. All names have been mutilated to protect the identities of the questioner.
Eric, thanks for doing this. You're my inspiration, and have been ever since the sixth grade when you created me behind the cafeteria after having had the snot kicked out of you by Paul Fremd. For a world-famous lover such as yourself to take the time to help us poor confused guys gives me hope of for a little more light in a browned-out world. No question, I just think you're great.
-Puff the Consoling Dragon
Thank you. Nothing makes an inspiration's job easier than not being asked to prove their expertise.
Dude, I've always been confused about something about women. What's with the candles in the bedroom? I mean, isn't that why we have light switches?
-In The Dark
That question has a two-part answer, Dark. First, women are all about the flattering lighting. Take a lit naked florescent tube and wave it in front of a woman sometime. Most recoil and make those hissing noises you hear in the vampire films. A candle, on the other hand, provides a soft, warm, low-level light, pleasing shadows, and the animated dance of the flame produces an interesting effect that's an enhancement to intimacy. You can really set the mood by lighting a few candles in the bedroom, bathroom, or, if you're feeling really creative and you're not too near any airport traffic patterns, the roof. Just be careful about placement. Firemen are more muscular and way better looking than you.
Second, experienced women know that the average male produces, over the course of a single evening of slumber, enough gas to fill an early Montgolfiere balloon. Candles consume some of the unpleasantness.
Mr. Speaking Truth To Romance, I've always wondered about romance novel covers. I mean, I get the handsome, shirtless hero and the heaving bazooms and the wildly spilling hair and even the beautiful countryside and manor houses or whatever. But what's with the wildlife? There's always a bird or a squirrel or something watching. Are women closet furries?
-Bluebirds Over the White Breasts of Dover
-Gotcha, Bluebirds. That's actually a fascinating story. Romance novel publishers have long used the "countryside code" to quietly let women know what kind of action they can expect from the story. Here's a brief, but by no means complete, guide:
CardinalLoss of virginity
BluebirdInfidelity
DaffodilsHeroine forced into an "understanding" that amounts to prostitution
Three (or more) seagulls Group sex
RosebushesMild SM
CatFemale-aggressor sex
Pine treeFantasy rape
SquirrelAnal
HydrangeaSex in some kind of water obstacle
Oak TreeMassive, gnarly cocks
SwanVoyeurism of masturbation
Multiple swansVoyeurism of copulation
OwlOld/young kink
SwiftBisexuality
MarigoldRape of sister
Willow treeBondage
DogExhibitionism
HorseHeroine stripped partially (saddled) or totally (unsaddled) naked against her will
Hope that helps.
How do you convince a woman you care about her deeply enough that she'll go to bed with you?
-Lonely Young Man
Ahh, that's the eternal question, isn't it? You've got to show here that you can be attentive to her needs. I know that's a difficult concept to wrap your mind around, so here's what I use. Imagine you've cloned yourself and it grew up real fast Jurassic Park-style so that it's essentially another you. Now, you'd want yourself to have a good time when you went out and did something, right? You'd want you to have a few laughs now and then, feel safe, and get a slice of your favorite pizza. And would you deny yourself access to your laboriously collected porn collection so you could rub one out now and then? Of course not!
Now, the next step requires a little bit of mental trickery: you pretend that your wife or girlfriend or whatever is actually you with all those needs, except they might be slightly different needs because she's no longer a clone. She's still going to want the orgasms and the good food and the laughs and all that, but what makes her have an orgasm or laugh might be a little different than you, so you've got to (and this is really tough, but you didn't say "go easy on me" in the question) pay attention to her likes and dislikes and listen when subjects like that arise. If she wants to go to the opera or a show at the art museum or have practiced, unhurried, rapturous oral sex performed on her, man up, slap a smile on your face, and do it, you wuss. Yeah, yeah, I know it's more fun to always do what you want to do, but with this method (currently under patent review) you're way more likely to score.
How do you get a woman drunk enough so she'll sleep with you, but not so drunk she ralphs and gets puke in her hair? I really hate that. Is there like a formula or something I can refer to, like those Blackjack basic strategy reference cards?
-Hates Holding Hair Back and Puke Breath
Ah, youse guys. Look, Puke, I know your best sexual memories go back to spring break and rogering semi-conscious or comatose sorority sisters (though I will admit the Girls Gone Wild model release forms are great for when you've forgotten a name the next morning), but this is the real world now. You don't stand in the ticket line at the movies, whip out your flask, and offer a triple-bourbon to "get through another one of those damn Kung Fu Panda previews." Where alcohol is concerned, less is frequently more.
Don't try and get a fifth of whiskey down her throat the second she walks into your apartment. You might as well write "I'm trying to get you drunk" on your forehead with the forgotten lipstick in your bathroom she's probably going to discover and wonder about. Put her at ease, talk for a while (hint: at least be vaguely familiar with the contents of the books on your shelves, even if they're just cover for the line of porno DVD's in the entertainment center), then offer her a glass of wine like it's an afterthought. I find peak sexual performance is achieved with 2-3 glasses of wine, depending on body type. With French girls you might need a little more, they've been on the sauce since the age of 8.
So I'm going to start a feature here, Speaking Truth To Romance, to deal with these important issues. All names have been mutilated to protect the identities of the questioner.
Eric, thanks for doing this. You're my inspiration, and have been ever since the sixth grade when you created me behind the cafeteria after having had the snot kicked out of you by Paul Fremd. For a world-famous lover such as yourself to take the time to help us poor confused guys gives me hope of for a little more light in a browned-out world. No question, I just think you're great.
-Puff the Consoling Dragon
Thank you. Nothing makes an inspiration's job easier than not being asked to prove their expertise.
Dude, I've always been confused about something about women. What's with the candles in the bedroom? I mean, isn't that why we have light switches?
-In The Dark
That question has a two-part answer, Dark. First, women are all about the flattering lighting. Take a lit naked florescent tube and wave it in front of a woman sometime. Most recoil and make those hissing noises you hear in the vampire films. A candle, on the other hand, provides a soft, warm, low-level light, pleasing shadows, and the animated dance of the flame produces an interesting effect that's an enhancement to intimacy. You can really set the mood by lighting a few candles in the bedroom, bathroom, or, if you're feeling really creative and you're not too near any airport traffic patterns, the roof. Just be careful about placement. Firemen are more muscular and way better looking than you.
Second, experienced women know that the average male produces, over the course of a single evening of slumber, enough gas to fill an early Montgolfiere balloon. Candles consume some of the unpleasantness.
Mr. Speaking Truth To Romance, I've always wondered about romance novel covers. I mean, I get the handsome, shirtless hero and the heaving bazooms and the wildly spilling hair and even the beautiful countryside and manor houses or whatever. But what's with the wildlife? There's always a bird or a squirrel or something watching. Are women closet furries?
-Bluebirds Over the White Breasts of Dover
-Gotcha, Bluebirds. That's actually a fascinating story. Romance novel publishers have long used the "countryside code" to quietly let women know what kind of action they can expect from the story. Here's a brief, but by no means complete, guide:
CardinalLoss of virginity
BluebirdInfidelity
DaffodilsHeroine forced into an "understanding" that amounts to prostitution
Three (or more) seagulls Group sex
RosebushesMild SM
CatFemale-aggressor sex
Pine treeFantasy rape
SquirrelAnal
HydrangeaSex in some kind of water obstacle
Oak TreeMassive, gnarly cocks
SwanVoyeurism of masturbation
Multiple swansVoyeurism of copulation
OwlOld/young kink
SwiftBisexuality
MarigoldRape of sister
Willow treeBondage
DogExhibitionism
HorseHeroine stripped partially (saddled) or totally (unsaddled) naked against her will
Hope that helps.
How do you convince a woman you care about her deeply enough that she'll go to bed with you?
-Lonely Young Man
Ahh, that's the eternal question, isn't it? You've got to show here that you can be attentive to her needs. I know that's a difficult concept to wrap your mind around, so here's what I use. Imagine you've cloned yourself and it grew up real fast Jurassic Park-style so that it's essentially another you. Now, you'd want yourself to have a good time when you went out and did something, right? You'd want you to have a few laughs now and then, feel safe, and get a slice of your favorite pizza. And would you deny yourself access to your laboriously collected porn collection so you could rub one out now and then? Of course not!
Now, the next step requires a little bit of mental trickery: you pretend that your wife or girlfriend or whatever is actually you with all those needs, except they might be slightly different needs because she's no longer a clone. She's still going to want the orgasms and the good food and the laughs and all that, but what makes her have an orgasm or laugh might be a little different than you, so you've got to (and this is really tough, but you didn't say "go easy on me" in the question) pay attention to her likes and dislikes and listen when subjects like that arise. If she wants to go to the opera or a show at the art museum or have practiced, unhurried, rapturous oral sex performed on her, man up, slap a smile on your face, and do it, you wuss. Yeah, yeah, I know it's more fun to always do what you want to do, but with this method (currently under patent review) you're way more likely to score.
How do you get a woman drunk enough so she'll sleep with you, but not so drunk she ralphs and gets puke in her hair? I really hate that. Is there like a formula or something I can refer to, like those Blackjack basic strategy reference cards?
-Hates Holding Hair Back and Puke Breath
Ah, youse guys. Look, Puke, I know your best sexual memories go back to spring break and rogering semi-conscious or comatose sorority sisters (though I will admit the Girls Gone Wild model release forms are great for when you've forgotten a name the next morning), but this is the real world now. You don't stand in the ticket line at the movies, whip out your flask, and offer a triple-bourbon to "get through another one of those damn Kung Fu Panda previews." Where alcohol is concerned, less is frequently more.
Don't try and get a fifth of whiskey down her throat the second she walks into your apartment. You might as well write "I'm trying to get you drunk" on your forehead with the forgotten lipstick in your bathroom she's probably going to discover and wonder about. Put her at ease, talk for a while (hint: at least be vaguely familiar with the contents of the books on your shelves, even if they're just cover for the line of porno DVD's in the entertainment center), then offer her a glass of wine like it's an afterthought. I find peak sexual performance is achieved with 2-3 glasses of wine, depending on body type. With French girls you might need a little more, they've been on the sauce since the age of 8.