yeah, my brain's on random
I had a dream last night that I was having my blood drawn. Since then, my biceps and inner elbow on my right arm have been hurting badly. Ow? I'm quite sore all over, and it makes me nervous because I haven't actually been doing anything to make me sore, and am on medication for the first time. (Naproxen, for my tendonitis
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And yeah, boys. Even a few months ago I was saying to myself that I didn't think I'd ever date a man again ... but I have had some truly amazing men come into my life more, and have also started paying more attention to the ones that were already there, and I don't want to deny that part of myself for the sake of ease. Then that little voice pipes up and says, 'Would you break a boy's heart because you were trying to hard not to deny a part of yourself that may not be there?' And another voice adds, 'Who are you to think that you might be important enough to someone to break their heart?' And a bigger voice scolds, 'Shut up, you! I told you to stop saying deprecating things like that!' And then the voice I try to listen to the most says, 'Why worry about it until it happens? Love is love is love."
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P.S. Is that the name you go by? What do you most prefer?
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And, yes I feel the same way about guys. I have one I'm flirting with now, but I know I'm not in love with him, and I doubt I could be, so I'm not even sure why it's an issue. But there are these moments of (possibly mutual) attraction that make me think about it.
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Ooh, I really like complexities. That's one I haven't really thought of. I'll have to try it on for size.
Yeah, lots of flirting. The funny thing for me is that I go back and forth so much in such a huge margin, one day I'll be the way I was when I was fifteen or so, just absolutely boy crazy and that afternoon I won't be remotely interested. It's very, very complicated. There's lots of ... issues ... involved. Lots. I get really stressed out when I find myself talking about my attractions to women when I'm around straight men, and my attractions to men when I'm around lesbians, and for many straight people and some queers it definitely gets uncomfortable talking about my attractions to people who are trans and genderqueer and of ambiguous gender. Ay ay ay, my head is beginning to spin.
It's a funny jump for my head to make, from 'flirting' to 'in love'. Possibly because I'm such a compulsive flirt that my flirtations have very little to do with my serious crushes. Those moments are strange. Does it ever hit you that people might look at the two of you and think you're together? When that happens to me it's pretty wierd. I'm always secretly delighted and dismayed at the same time.
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OMG I just read this and shrieked! Me, and him, and people assuming?! OK, I'm now officially freaked out. Such a wierd thought. I'm very close with my best (woman) friend and people read us as a couple all the time. I enjoy that, as long as I'm not trying to flirt/engage with another dyke, but having people think that about me and a guy makes me want to cut my hair really short again and wear my docs all the time.
As for the going back and forth, that doesn't happen for me much. I am woman centered; I am surrounded by women in nearly every aspect of my life, and I like it that way. It's not really something I planned, it just feels natural. ::shrugs:: My father always tells me that I just haven't met the right guys. ::rolls eyes:: And yes, I've finally started being able to talk about my last guy relationship casually, and it's hysterical to watch people (most of whom assume I'm a lesbian) react. I love talking about some of my relationships with the 'secret' knowledge that people's thoughts don't match up with my reality. E.g. I had a friends with benifits type relationship with a transman, and I know when I say 'he' people think bio-guy. I am quite amused watching them try to imagine me having casual sex with a (bio) guy.
And being in love . . . well I already am, and being in love with one person who doesn't return the feeling is quite enough thank you. I'm not in a place where I can think about being in love with anyone else. I imagine it will happen again eventually, but this last relationship was so consuming that I'm not sure I even want to fall in love again . . .
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I love that about relationships with trans people. ... I guess ... I don't like people to assume I'm a lesbian. I suppose I would prefer that than have them assume I'm straight. But I don't want either. I -- agh.
I know what you mean about one-sided love. It sucks. Are you talking about your relationship with Melis?
xox
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