when divided we stand, united we fall...

[eekageeka]

tonight has kinda sucked, so i'll say right now, that i feel kinda shitty and this will probably turn into some mopey livejournal post... oh well, at least i warned you so you don't have to read further. i'm not sure what it is, things just kinda suck lately. i mean, right now college doesn't seem too different from high school, except i don't live with my parents, and i have the freedom to come and go as i please... of course, i don't have a car, so that freedom is still pretty limited. also, i haven't had too much to do anyway, the guys seem to always be busy, and rach never seems to want to do anything. i suppose the fact that she went home for the weekend to be with joel, and i'm in the dorm alone isn't helping matters either... i don't know, it just sucks when i start to feel like this. not just because i'm upset about things, but because then i start to think about a lot of other shit that i don't like... and then i feel even worse, and then i just want to be able to relieve my pain again, the things i'm feeling, but i can't because everyone would freak out, and my parents wouldn't trust me, and a lot more bad stuff would happen... and then thinking about that just makes me feel even worse. also, it's been a year, so i wouldn't want to go back to that again, but it's so hard sometimes, no matter what kind of medication i'm given, i'm still going to get like this sometimes, and the only thing that makes me feel good is physical pain, rather than the emotional pain that has built up. pretty stupid... i know. oh well, it's a never-ending cycle. anyway, i'm gonna go now... much love everyone...
xoxo, erica