(no subject)
fuck bi polar disorder and a broken heart, and low self esteem do not mix well. i was at heavens house and so she called becca and went to her house, i walked with her to becca's house since matt lives across the street from becca, and i was planning on going to his house next. but then becca came out of her house and walked towards heaven and me. i crossed the street at this point, and walked over to matt's house. and then matt and i went to see war of the worlds. and i didnt like being in a movie theater because it reminded me of the time wen becca, me heaven, and heaven's now ex shane went to see amittyville horror, and we made out practically the whole movie, while shane kept reaching his arm over heaven and rubbing my shoulder just as a joke. it was funny! god dammit! then wen we left we went over to matts house to watch more movies but i couldnt sit down and watch tv to save my life at the moment. then i left to walk over to heavens house and when i turned onto talbot ave, i saw them at the other end walking towards me, and i couldnt avoid them. and wen we got closer becca just glared at me. none of us said anything, but heaven smacked me in the face just playing around, and i go OW! so she is spending the night at becca's house. that sucks because i had beer and we could have drank it together but no! i just went to big-rock and got drunk and fell asleep there for an hour. then i woke up still pretty drunk with a hangover, and i went home and fell asleep again. luckily my dad didnt ask any questions. and now im typing this with a major hangover, and im still half drunk. go me! I GOT NINETY NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, AND IMA DRINK EM ALL! CUZ IM FEELIN WASTED! I GOT NINETY NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL AND U CAN LET EM FALL! CUZ IM FEELIN WASTED! sorry i had to type that. i have never felt more down in my life. its supposed to get better as time goes on and you get over it, but its not happening. its the same thing day after day, i go over to heaven's house in the morning and she ditches me to go hang out with becca and i go over to matts and he doesnt want to wake up at 12 oklock in the afternoon so he complains and goes to get dressed and then we walk around. and then i get bored and he gets bored and so i go over to heavens house and find out that she isnt there because shes spending the night at beccas house. i keep telling myself that its over and i need to move on but i cant, im just stuck here! and every time i hear her name, or see her, or i see places that weev been together, i die a little more inside. like the parking lot across the street from her house next to matts house where we first met for the first time. i would give anything to rewind time to just wen we started going out or just before, and start over again. i cant take this!, i cant deal with all of this. i feel soo fucking weak, but thats because i am. its all my fault that all of this happened, and i cant erase my mistakes. if i hadent been so selfish, if i hadent been so childish, then we would still be together. i would give fucking anything for that. this was more than just a silly relationship, and im tired of my own bullshit. because i could have prevented this from happening, but i was to busy pittying myself to see that this was inevitable if i continue doing so. i dont want to remember all of whats happened. it wasnt supposed to happen. i wasnt supposed to move here, i wasnt supposed to meet them, and i wasnt supposed to go out with her. i promised myself that i would not get emotionally involved with anyone here, but you cant help who you fall for. for the first time all summer ive spent more than 2 hours in my house instead of being out with friends. and on tv there are already back to school sales. we just got out of school yesterday, and weer already going back. i cant deal with school and this, becasue my dad says if i fail, im going to go to boarding school. if that happened, i seriously would kill myself. i could not stand losing anybody else. ok im done typing. i need to go get drunk again.