Her Diary, But It's All About You [3/?]
Title: Her Diary, But It's All About You [3/?]
Author: eeJHan
Rating: PG-13 for the whole series
Genre: Teen Angst, Drama
Pairing: Main!JongKey (future chapters side pairings: OnKey, 2Min)
Word Count: 2,289 words
Summary: Jonghyun and Lizann has a big fight over supper due to Jonghyun finding out about Lizann's affection. In the process, Jonghyun triggers Lizann's asthma.
September 13 2009
Dear Diary,
Hyun did not call today. Gah, I hate myself for missing him like this. This always happens when I see him too many days in a row, and losing it makes me feel like something’s taken away from me.
Key and I texted though, he told me they were at a recording and would be leaving for the first meeting for their new album. I guess from what he says, they are really too busy. Even with that, Key and I texted the whole day still, and I’m kind of glad I had someone to talk to.
*Edit 22.39pm
Hyun just called, and he sounded really tired. He tried to ask subtly whether I was texting Key the whole day, but I guess he did not put it as subtly as he thought he had, keke. Oh my, I hate myself now for fantasizing!
I mean, how nice would it be if he likes me back.
Oh yes, we made an appointment for supper tomorrow at my place, since the best places to go except for outside would be our own dorms. (: I shall make good food! Off to preparations!
The whole day today was a grueling experience of watching Key texting happily. I guess the person on the other side is Lizann. They have been uber close after these few meetings. But when did they exchange numbers? Was it during that balcony talk? Or was it during the pension trip?
I’m not saying that I’m jealous; I’m just feeling the pinch. I mean, they are my good friends, but are they kind of pushing me out? Gosh, I knew I would regret bringing Zann to meet SHINee.
I decided to call Zann after the meeting, to confirm my speculations. And yes, I was right. I have to be closer to them individually now, or else, I may just lose them both. I arranged for supper tomorrow at Zann’s place, so that they won’t really meet tomorrow.
Gosh, I do sound like a jealous boyfriend, don’t I?
September 14 2009
Dear Diary,
The first text I got in the morning was from Key, and he sounded really hurt that Hyun is coming over to my place for supper. I assured him nothing was going on, I mean, I wouldn’t hurt my friends. For revenge, we agreed to meet up for dinner the next day without Hyun.
Class ended at 3pm today, a little earlier than usual because Miss Soo-In was feeling sick. Went to the nearest hypermart and I started shopping for tonight’s supper. I hope Hyun still loves his ddukbokki as much as soondae guk!
Preparations will be a bitch, but as long as I’m making them for Hyun then it’s fine (: See you soon Diary!
*Edit 23.54pm
Hyun just left, and it wasn’t exactly a good supper.
He heard me at the balcony, and read the poem behind the photo that I had for him. I don’t understand why is he still doing all these to make me feel like he is trying to make things work between us?
I guess I have to put down what happened.
He reached at 9pm as promised, and was pleasantly surprised at the food. I made some really homey Korean food like ddukbokki, soondae guk, and seafood pancake and had some kimchi and rice lain out as well.
“I’m glad I didn’t have real food before this, I knew you would cook up a whole table full of dishes.” He rubbed his hands together and looked like he was famished. “Let’s start with ddukbokki!”
He complimented me on my cooking, although most of it is just packed sauce. “Girls must know how to cook, doesn’t matter whether is it packed or not. At least, my girlfriend has to know how to cook. Working towards that, huh?” He usually spouts nonsense when he has good food, but this was a little fishy. We usually don’t joke about us being together.
He caught my surprised and confused look, and immediately realized that he let it slip. An awkward silence descended between us both, and it lasted for 10 minutes, which seems like forever.
“Um, I, overheard you and Key talking at the balcony that day back in our dorm.” He cautiously re-opened the topic, but this made me even more stunned. How much have he heard? Does this mean that he knows about Key…
“I felt guilty, you said you weren’t my type. I mean, I don’t know. Its not that I don’t like you, just that, we lack a little something…” He paused for a moment. “I’m sorry for all the things that I did to hurt you.”
I glanced up quickly again as he muttered his last sentence. “What did you still see?! You looked at my diary?” I absolutely did not tell Key about feeling hurt.
“I… um, guessed that you would be… All right all right, I read the poem behind our photo taken during your 16th birthday. But I didn’t mean…”
“Why did you read?! It is my diary, MY DIARY!” I was fuming, and also sad at the same time. “And after you knew about all these, and you still asked me out? What does this make me in your heart? Do you want a confession now? Or are you ready to accept me?”
I broke down in front of him. This was the second time that I did, ever since that incident. I couldn’t control myself, really. This was too overwhelming.
“I’m sorry, I really am. And don’t cry anymore, your asthma will start all over again at this rate.” He came over and put his arms around me, but I pushed him away. “I don’t want your comfort! Stop being so concerned about me!” I started to cough and wheeze a lot. No, not now, please do not act up now.
“Calm down, calm down. Where’s your medicine? I’ll get it for you.” He went to my room and brought out my bag in a jiffy. “Here you go. Take it slow…” He was so gentle that I couldn’t reject him; even though how angry I was, really.
When I was feeling a lot better, he started pouring out feelings that he had probably kept in him for so long. “I was honestly stunned when I read that poem. For whatever I did, I’m sorry. I’m not saying that I’ll accept you right now, because I would be a great big bastard if I really did. I want to feel the way you feel before I can decide on this.” He said this cautiously, but I could feel his utmost sincerity when it comes to things like this.
“So, I don’t know, I don’t know what to say to make you feel better. I’m really sorry. Can we still be best friends first? Please give me some time to sort out my thinking.” He gave me his apologetic 90 degrees bow, and I felt more guilt than usual.
“Please don’t do this. You know I hate it when you do. Have more self-esteem, please.” I set him straight before his head touches the ground. I guess, I just have to live with it. I know this boy sees Love as a commitment, and since he is prepared to be responsible, then I will let him take care of his responsibility.
“Well, I don’t know about all these. Why not we just finish our supper first? The food is turning cold and I spent a lot of time on these.” I gave him a light-hearted smile to make him feel better, and he did. After supper we cleared the dishes and chatted for a while more before he left to rest.
Oh yes, he did not hear Key’s side of the story, or else, it would be weird.
Gosh, this will be weird. Trying hard not to be awkward will not work.
Trashing things out wasn’t exactly what I wanted for this supper, but I guess it had to end that way since I accidentally let stuff slip.
I am so guilty that I made her asthma start again. I mean, through these years of friendship, I only saw her cry twice, all those watching movies and crying doesn’t count, that’s just cute. Once was the first incident that made us good friends, and the second time, just now. And both times, she had asthma attacks.
I hope this doesn’t do anything to symbolize the start and end of our friendship, but it certainly shows that we have moved to a different section and stage of our friendship.
Between both of us, I don’t know. I guess she knows me too well, but I never really bothered to know her better. I am a sensitive person, but I guess I just didn’t see her as someone that I would go after.
I stress again, I’m not saying that I don’t like her; it’s just that, I don’t know. Gawd, my mind is messed up right now.
I just know that when she cried, my heart broke too.
I guess I will talk to Key about it, he understands girls better. But oh well, I would be such a bastard! Gahhhhh. But he’s probably the best person to talk to about, since Zann already talked to him about it.
“Hey, Kibum, are you free now?” I heard Jonghyun’s voice through the door.
“Um, yeah, I am free, please come in.” I straightened my desk of the stuff that should not be seen and smiled warmly towards the door. A very dejected Jjong came in.
“Jjong, what’s the matter? You look horrible.” I looked at the older boy as he made his way to my bed beside where I was sitting. “The supper didn’t go well with Lizann?” This is my only guess.
“Kibum, you know that Lizann likes me right?” Jjong looked up with a mixture of confusion and sadness in his eyes. What? Lizann told him? I thought she promised me that nothing would happen tonight…
“I overheard you two talking at the balcony that day. I mean I knew she had something for me but I didn’t know it was that strong till I read the back of our photo that day at the pension.” Jjong still looks very guilty, but I was shocked. He overheard us? Does this mean…?
“What did you hear? As in the conversation at the balcony.” I asked cautiously. “She said she was not my type. I got too guilty and left. I mean, I have always been treating her well in our friendship, but I didn’t know it brought such complications for her.“ Jjong left out a huge sigh, I secretly let out one too, but it was a huge sigh of relief.
“Do you want to make it up to her? Or rather, do you like her, to start with.” I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.
“I like her a lot, as a friend, and I’m not saying that things are not possible between us, but you know, it feels a little different. It’s like we are lacking something important. I don’t know how to describe it.” Jjong scratched his head furiously, as if he was trying to tear out his brains to take a look at the contents.
A little part died quietly inside myself. Of course, Jjong is a normal guy, and it is normal for guys to like girls, right? Oh my, it’s starting to feel overwhelming inside already…
“What should I do, Kibum? I feel like a huge bastard already. I have been such an idiot towards her! I tell her all my relationship stuff and she just listens to me! God knows how long have this been! All my previous crushes, and comments on girls on the street… Oh god, I am such a bastard.” Jjong hung his head, disappointed in himself. Just keep it in a little longer, Kim Kibum, you can do it.
“I mean, Jjong, this is not your fault. No use looking back at the things that have already passed by, you cannot undo all the hurt that you have given someone. Just bring this on and face her in a total new aspect, like, really sort out what you want out of this relationship. Continue to be friends? Or try how would it feel like being in a relationship with her.” I tried to say it as slowly as possible, fearing that my emotions would take over me any moment.
“This would be my first girlfriend, and her first boyfriend as well, I don’t want anything to mess up my first relationship. I mean, if I don’t like her as much then I probably shouldn’t accept her feelings. It’s plain mean if I do.” Jjong took a deep breath. “Besides, she’s one of my best friends.”
“Give it a good thought, I think it would help. But that doesn’t mean not feeling for tonight okay!” I tried to end it with a joke, and a rather lousy attempt to shoo him out of my room.
“Okay then, I guess I have to go rest as well, there’s SGB recording tomorrow right?” Jjong stood up, and headed for the door. “Thanks a lot, Kibum. I will give it a good thought. To be fair to both of us.”
After he left, I shut the door and locked it up. The warm liquid that fogged up my vision fell freely and quietly.
Oh Jjong, in your attempt to grasp a lifebuoy to save yourself from drowning, you punctured me with your thorn-ridden hands. I can only sustain you for this long, before all the air runs out in me.
Author: eeJHan
Rating: PG-13 for the whole series
Genre: Teen Angst, Drama
Pairing: Main!JongKey (future chapters side pairings: OnKey, 2Min)
Word Count: 2,289 words
Summary: Jonghyun and Lizann has a big fight over supper due to Jonghyun finding out about Lizann's affection. In the process, Jonghyun triggers Lizann's asthma.
September 13 2009
Dear Diary,
Hyun did not call today. Gah, I hate myself for missing him like this. This always happens when I see him too many days in a row, and losing it makes me feel like something’s taken away from me.
Key and I texted though, he told me they were at a recording and would be leaving for the first meeting for their new album. I guess from what he says, they are really too busy. Even with that, Key and I texted the whole day still, and I’m kind of glad I had someone to talk to.
*Edit 22.39pm
Hyun just called, and he sounded really tired. He tried to ask subtly whether I was texting Key the whole day, but I guess he did not put it as subtly as he thought he had, keke. Oh my, I hate myself now for fantasizing!
I mean, how nice would it be if he likes me back.
Oh yes, we made an appointment for supper tomorrow at my place, since the best places to go except for outside would be our own dorms. (: I shall make good food! Off to preparations!
The whole day today was a grueling experience of watching Key texting happily. I guess the person on the other side is Lizann. They have been uber close after these few meetings. But when did they exchange numbers? Was it during that balcony talk? Or was it during the pension trip?
I’m not saying that I’m jealous; I’m just feeling the pinch. I mean, they are my good friends, but are they kind of pushing me out? Gosh, I knew I would regret bringing Zann to meet SHINee.
I decided to call Zann after the meeting, to confirm my speculations. And yes, I was right. I have to be closer to them individually now, or else, I may just lose them both. I arranged for supper tomorrow at Zann’s place, so that they won’t really meet tomorrow.
Gosh, I do sound like a jealous boyfriend, don’t I?
September 14 2009
Dear Diary,
The first text I got in the morning was from Key, and he sounded really hurt that Hyun is coming over to my place for supper. I assured him nothing was going on, I mean, I wouldn’t hurt my friends. For revenge, we agreed to meet up for dinner the next day without Hyun.
Class ended at 3pm today, a little earlier than usual because Miss Soo-In was feeling sick. Went to the nearest hypermart and I started shopping for tonight’s supper. I hope Hyun still loves his ddukbokki as much as soondae guk!
Preparations will be a bitch, but as long as I’m making them for Hyun then it’s fine (: See you soon Diary!
*Edit 23.54pm
Hyun just left, and it wasn’t exactly a good supper.
He heard me at the balcony, and read the poem behind the photo that I had for him. I don’t understand why is he still doing all these to make me feel like he is trying to make things work between us?
I guess I have to put down what happened.
He reached at 9pm as promised, and was pleasantly surprised at the food. I made some really homey Korean food like ddukbokki, soondae guk, and seafood pancake and had some kimchi and rice lain out as well.
“I’m glad I didn’t have real food before this, I knew you would cook up a whole table full of dishes.” He rubbed his hands together and looked like he was famished. “Let’s start with ddukbokki!”
He complimented me on my cooking, although most of it is just packed sauce. “Girls must know how to cook, doesn’t matter whether is it packed or not. At least, my girlfriend has to know how to cook. Working towards that, huh?” He usually spouts nonsense when he has good food, but this was a little fishy. We usually don’t joke about us being together.
He caught my surprised and confused look, and immediately realized that he let it slip. An awkward silence descended between us both, and it lasted for 10 minutes, which seems like forever.
“Um, I, overheard you and Key talking at the balcony that day back in our dorm.” He cautiously re-opened the topic, but this made me even more stunned. How much have he heard? Does this mean that he knows about Key…
“I felt guilty, you said you weren’t my type. I mean, I don’t know. Its not that I don’t like you, just that, we lack a little something…” He paused for a moment. “I’m sorry for all the things that I did to hurt you.”
I glanced up quickly again as he muttered his last sentence. “What did you still see?! You looked at my diary?” I absolutely did not tell Key about feeling hurt.
“I… um, guessed that you would be… All right all right, I read the poem behind our photo taken during your 16th birthday. But I didn’t mean…”
“Why did you read?! It is my diary, MY DIARY!” I was fuming, and also sad at the same time. “And after you knew about all these, and you still asked me out? What does this make me in your heart? Do you want a confession now? Or are you ready to accept me?”
I broke down in front of him. This was the second time that I did, ever since that incident. I couldn’t control myself, really. This was too overwhelming.
“I’m sorry, I really am. And don’t cry anymore, your asthma will start all over again at this rate.” He came over and put his arms around me, but I pushed him away. “I don’t want your comfort! Stop being so concerned about me!” I started to cough and wheeze a lot. No, not now, please do not act up now.
“Calm down, calm down. Where’s your medicine? I’ll get it for you.” He went to my room and brought out my bag in a jiffy. “Here you go. Take it slow…” He was so gentle that I couldn’t reject him; even though how angry I was, really.
When I was feeling a lot better, he started pouring out feelings that he had probably kept in him for so long. “I was honestly stunned when I read that poem. For whatever I did, I’m sorry. I’m not saying that I’ll accept you right now, because I would be a great big bastard if I really did. I want to feel the way you feel before I can decide on this.” He said this cautiously, but I could feel his utmost sincerity when it comes to things like this.
“So, I don’t know, I don’t know what to say to make you feel better. I’m really sorry. Can we still be best friends first? Please give me some time to sort out my thinking.” He gave me his apologetic 90 degrees bow, and I felt more guilt than usual.
“Please don’t do this. You know I hate it when you do. Have more self-esteem, please.” I set him straight before his head touches the ground. I guess, I just have to live with it. I know this boy sees Love as a commitment, and since he is prepared to be responsible, then I will let him take care of his responsibility.
“Well, I don’t know about all these. Why not we just finish our supper first? The food is turning cold and I spent a lot of time on these.” I gave him a light-hearted smile to make him feel better, and he did. After supper we cleared the dishes and chatted for a while more before he left to rest.
Oh yes, he did not hear Key’s side of the story, or else, it would be weird.
Gosh, this will be weird. Trying hard not to be awkward will not work.
Trashing things out wasn’t exactly what I wanted for this supper, but I guess it had to end that way since I accidentally let stuff slip.
I am so guilty that I made her asthma start again. I mean, through these years of friendship, I only saw her cry twice, all those watching movies and crying doesn’t count, that’s just cute. Once was the first incident that made us good friends, and the second time, just now. And both times, she had asthma attacks.
I hope this doesn’t do anything to symbolize the start and end of our friendship, but it certainly shows that we have moved to a different section and stage of our friendship.
Between both of us, I don’t know. I guess she knows me too well, but I never really bothered to know her better. I am a sensitive person, but I guess I just didn’t see her as someone that I would go after.
I stress again, I’m not saying that I don’t like her; it’s just that, I don’t know. Gawd, my mind is messed up right now.
I just know that when she cried, my heart broke too.
I guess I will talk to Key about it, he understands girls better. But oh well, I would be such a bastard! Gahhhhh. But he’s probably the best person to talk to about, since Zann already talked to him about it.
“Hey, Kibum, are you free now?” I heard Jonghyun’s voice through the door.
“Um, yeah, I am free, please come in.” I straightened my desk of the stuff that should not be seen and smiled warmly towards the door. A very dejected Jjong came in.
“Jjong, what’s the matter? You look horrible.” I looked at the older boy as he made his way to my bed beside where I was sitting. “The supper didn’t go well with Lizann?” This is my only guess.
“Kibum, you know that Lizann likes me right?” Jjong looked up with a mixture of confusion and sadness in his eyes. What? Lizann told him? I thought she promised me that nothing would happen tonight…
“I overheard you two talking at the balcony that day. I mean I knew she had something for me but I didn’t know it was that strong till I read the back of our photo that day at the pension.” Jjong still looks very guilty, but I was shocked. He overheard us? Does this mean…?
“What did you hear? As in the conversation at the balcony.” I asked cautiously. “She said she was not my type. I got too guilty and left. I mean, I have always been treating her well in our friendship, but I didn’t know it brought such complications for her.“ Jjong left out a huge sigh, I secretly let out one too, but it was a huge sigh of relief.
“Do you want to make it up to her? Or rather, do you like her, to start with.” I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.
“I like her a lot, as a friend, and I’m not saying that things are not possible between us, but you know, it feels a little different. It’s like we are lacking something important. I don’t know how to describe it.” Jjong scratched his head furiously, as if he was trying to tear out his brains to take a look at the contents.
A little part died quietly inside myself. Of course, Jjong is a normal guy, and it is normal for guys to like girls, right? Oh my, it’s starting to feel overwhelming inside already…
“What should I do, Kibum? I feel like a huge bastard already. I have been such an idiot towards her! I tell her all my relationship stuff and she just listens to me! God knows how long have this been! All my previous crushes, and comments on girls on the street… Oh god, I am such a bastard.” Jjong hung his head, disappointed in himself. Just keep it in a little longer, Kim Kibum, you can do it.
“I mean, Jjong, this is not your fault. No use looking back at the things that have already passed by, you cannot undo all the hurt that you have given someone. Just bring this on and face her in a total new aspect, like, really sort out what you want out of this relationship. Continue to be friends? Or try how would it feel like being in a relationship with her.” I tried to say it as slowly as possible, fearing that my emotions would take over me any moment.
“This would be my first girlfriend, and her first boyfriend as well, I don’t want anything to mess up my first relationship. I mean, if I don’t like her as much then I probably shouldn’t accept her feelings. It’s plain mean if I do.” Jjong took a deep breath. “Besides, she’s one of my best friends.”
“Give it a good thought, I think it would help. But that doesn’t mean not feeling for tonight okay!” I tried to end it with a joke, and a rather lousy attempt to shoo him out of my room.
“Okay then, I guess I have to go rest as well, there’s SGB recording tomorrow right?” Jjong stood up, and headed for the door. “Thanks a lot, Kibum. I will give it a good thought. To be fair to both of us.”
After he left, I shut the door and locked it up. The warm liquid that fogged up my vision fell freely and quietly.
Oh Jjong, in your attempt to grasp a lifebuoy to save yourself from drowning, you punctured me with your thorn-ridden hands. I can only sustain you for this long, before all the air runs out in me.