thankful
In the last two weeks I had a bad mammogram, a second bad mammogram, a bad untrasound of the mammogram, a consult with a surgeon, surgery for a biopsy and to remove a small lump on my breast, bleeding after the surgery, rushed to the hospital where I sat for 3 hours before being looked at, developed a hematoma (big,bad,bloody,boob), got bad lab report (yes, it is cancer), more surgery and check that lymph node, and finally a report of all clear(for now). I am thankful that I am ok. I am thankful that God was with me through it. I am thankful that I got to feel a lot of love and concern from a lot of people, I am thankful that I am loved and did not have to go through it alone. And I am thankful that God let me go through this because now maybe I can say "I understand" to someone who is going through it and maybe something worse and say, "It will be ok." When I first was waiting to know if I had "it" or not and I got scared and tried to talk to God about it, I said to Him, "I am just scared He said, "what are you scared of? What is the worst thing that can happen." I said, "cancer". He said to me, "I was here before cancer." Well, ok then, I guess, it will be all right. My other biggest fear was that I would lose faith during this trial. I asked God to not let that happen. That was something I was really afraid of that I would get mad at God or lose faith. I didn't pray a whole lot through it. I prayed when I needed to. I knew others were holding me up. After not too long I didn't feel very afraid. Or at least I didn't let myself think about it. The night before the last surgery I felt more afraid. I asked my husband to get down on his knees with me to ask for God's blessing. He said, "I don't want to get down on my knees, but I will pray with you." But then he did get on his knees with me and prayed. That was very special. I know he and I don't always believe in the same way, but I know we believe in the same God. Maybe this trial was not for me but for others, to see if they would turn to God or from Him. I love God. I want others to know Him like I do. But they have to find Him on their own. Bad things happen to good people sometimes. We live in a fallen world. But if we truly believe, and I do, if we lose our life in this world, we are going to a better place. I am not afraid of death (I know I have not faced it yet, but I feel like I will not be afraid). I don't want to leave this world, but if I do, I go to God. There is nothing better. If I leave before you want me to, please don't be sad for long. We were made from the Father, to go back to Him is heaven. Perfect love casts out fear. I am not afraid to go to Him. We all have a need in us. One we can't explain or even name. That need is to come back to Him. When we do, that yearning is gone, except for the times when we yearn to be with Him for eternity. Some people I love are looking everywhere for love, or life or "something" that will make them feel complete. Look no further, my friend. It is God inside of you, calling, calling. Believe, rest assured. He shows us His love everywhere, we just have to recognize it. Believe it, it is for you. And knowing that, the rest of life is not so painful. Knowing you are loved, loved in a perfect way. That is what we all need and want in life. Faith is reaching out for that thing we long for, but are afraid that if we reach, it is not there. Do it, reach out. It is there. He is there. It is not in the big things that I know God is there. It is in those small things. That quiet little voice that only I hear. "I am here." THAT"S how I know. That is why I am not afraid. And THAT is why I am thankful!