(no subject)
I am feeling kind of sad tonight. Hard to say why. Tim and I went to see Spiderman. It was a good movie. In the middle of it someone is getting a pep talk about hanging in there and to keep on doing good. It made me feel sad. I started to cry a little. I guess I was a little surprised at my feelings. It was like, hey where did that come from? Sometimes I realize that I have some very sad feelings inside of me that stay just below the surface and sometimes they slip out. Things in my life that I can't do anything about, but that hurt me. I keep them behind a shield so they don't come out and hurt [me]. If I let myself feel something even a little it can just be like a floodgate. That is why I almost always cry when I pray. If I open myself up to God then I feel. When I feel, I feel the pain along with the other stuff. In trying to keep the hurt stuffed, I stuff a lot of other feelings too. Sad way to live, I guess. You wonder if the struggles will ever go away. They do but other ones pop up. Some just stay. I guess life is always some kind of struggle. Sometimes it is hard to remember that this world is not my home. There will be a perfect place for me some day. This life is my chance to be refined. Too bad it hurts so much. I must remember that God has it in His hands. It is just hard sometimes.................