don't even know...
I was just kind of dazed and jaded all day. I'm not sure I'm entitled to feel as upset as I do. We weren't really very close, but for whatever reason, I considered Ryan a pretty good friend, nevermind the fact that we rarely got to hang out.
He'd "begged" (he put it that way; I don't think it quite qualified as begging) me to go camping w/them, but I didn't wanna take off work and drive 4 hours for what was pretty much a glorified booty call -- not that I didn't enjoy hanging out w/him... I did, but let's not kid ourselves here. I almost agreed to go, since I do like camping and I knew it would be a good time. But instead I called him Friday to tell him I'd see him in a couple weekends, when I was in Stl for my bday. But I won't.
When I met Ryan last summer, something about him instantly reminded me of my friends from home. We always sat next to each other in orgo, and I still have the notes where he wrote "I stink" and drew arrows pointing at me when he came in smelling like a drunk wet dog and I made fun of him. Stupid stuff like that made that class more than enjoyable; I actually looked forward to going so I could talk and joke around w/him.
He called me to invite me to Columbia at the end of the summer, right before fall classes started. For like an hour, I was adamant that I wasn't going to go. After all, I hardly knew the kid -- I had a class w/him, and occasionally he joined Kristen and me to attempt to study for orgo. An hour and a half after he first called, I was in my car driving to Westminster. I don't remember how many times I ended up visiting him at school, but more often than not, I would start out insisting that there was no way I was going to make the 2 hour (or whatever it is) drive, only to end up driving out there an hour later. I remember reading in someone else's journal a comment about how Ryan was able to convince people to do things... I definitely agree.
Every time I drank w/Ryan, drinking games were involved. I'd never heard of beer guy (or beer die, or beer god -- they couldn't decide what it was really called) or hockey (as a drinking game) until I drank w/him. The last time he was at my apartment, I got so annoyed w/him when he insisted on watching The Emperor's New Groove, but I finally gave in just b/c it was so funny to me that this 6'4", football-type was fighting to watch a stupid Disney movie. I can hear his laugh, even though I only got to hang out w/him a couple of times this year.
What am I gonna do now for entertainment when I'm up at 3 AM finishing lab reports? Who's gonna send me ridiculous links to the coolest, funniest, or scariest shit there is on the internet? Who will I pointlessly argue w/online? It seems so lame -- pretty much all of whatever our friendship was revolved around talking to each other online, but it still seems substantial to me. Fall Out Boy just came on, and ever since early last semester, every time I hear them I'm reminded of Ryan.
AJ just called, and hearing his voice plus writing this has made me feel better; and it's finally late enough that I'm getting kinda tired. Friday night sucked, Saturday sucked, today sucked... here's hoping tomorrow ends this trend.