And I thought the other night was bad....
It's well past 4am and I swear I haven't slept more than half an hour since I went ot bed at midnight. I'm wide awake and am not enjoying it much. Still sick but recovering I think.
Somewhere in the past four hours I had a dream / delusion about looking up through a pane of glass and there were cooked french fries on the glass. They were lying down flat at first, spaced evenly. Then they all stood up on end and wiggling around. They were golden brown and left little oil marks on the glass from where they had wiggled. Then they all fell down.
That's the most vivid one I remember, but there were a lot of twisted thoughts running through my head. I'm hoping that by putting some of them out I'll be able to get to sleep. Most of them started out from a legitimate thought, but then fell off some kind of mental cliff and ended up way left of where they started. I attribute it to the mostly awake but not really there state I've been in. I get that way when I'm sick sometimes.
This afternoon I walked to the store and bought some groceries. I bought some canned tomatoes for roommate, when she asked where they were I told her they were in the cupboard. They weren't. I looked all over and eventually found them in the bread pan where I had apparently put them. I guess it seemed a more appropriate place at the time than with the rest of the canned goods. That is how I am when I'm awake and sick. No focus. So when I try and sleep the really freaky shit comes to town. Everything comes up and mixes together, thoughts and worries and intentions and all of that
These things lead to my sleeplessness. I know a good deal of it is due to job anxiety, which really means uncertainty about the future beyond the certain fact that it will likely be completely different from the familiar and comfortable states of the present and recent past. It's not the change itself that worries me the most, what worries me the most is my ability to cope with it. Running out of time and money, among other assets even more valuable, confidence and patience. There is still plenty of hope though, as I am usually optimistic to the point of stupidity, and that will do much good in the coming weeks!
Roommate thinks it's funny that I can't eat and breathe at the same time right now. It is funny really, because I sound like a cud-chewing cow with asthma. Regardless, In just the same way that I can't do those two things at once when I'm sick, my body and mind have a similarly disconcerted reaction. My energy (and attention, whether intentional or not) is spent trying to make my body better and my mind wanders. Sometimes to places I'm curious about, sometimes to places I've been before, and sometimes to places I'd rather deal with when I'm awake.
It would be nice if the damn thing would just settle someplace dark and quiet for the next few hours.....
Somewhere in the past four hours I had a dream / delusion about looking up through a pane of glass and there were cooked french fries on the glass. They were lying down flat at first, spaced evenly. Then they all stood up on end and wiggling around. They were golden brown and left little oil marks on the glass from where they had wiggled. Then they all fell down.
That's the most vivid one I remember, but there were a lot of twisted thoughts running through my head. I'm hoping that by putting some of them out I'll be able to get to sleep. Most of them started out from a legitimate thought, but then fell off some kind of mental cliff and ended up way left of where they started. I attribute it to the mostly awake but not really there state I've been in. I get that way when I'm sick sometimes.
This afternoon I walked to the store and bought some groceries. I bought some canned tomatoes for roommate, when she asked where they were I told her they were in the cupboard. They weren't. I looked all over and eventually found them in the bread pan where I had apparently put them. I guess it seemed a more appropriate place at the time than with the rest of the canned goods. That is how I am when I'm awake and sick. No focus. So when I try and sleep the really freaky shit comes to town. Everything comes up and mixes together, thoughts and worries and intentions and all of that
These things lead to my sleeplessness. I know a good deal of it is due to job anxiety, which really means uncertainty about the future beyond the certain fact that it will likely be completely different from the familiar and comfortable states of the present and recent past. It's not the change itself that worries me the most, what worries me the most is my ability to cope with it. Running out of time and money, among other assets even more valuable, confidence and patience. There is still plenty of hope though, as I am usually optimistic to the point of stupidity, and that will do much good in the coming weeks!
Roommate thinks it's funny that I can't eat and breathe at the same time right now. It is funny really, because I sound like a cud-chewing cow with asthma. Regardless, In just the same way that I can't do those two things at once when I'm sick, my body and mind have a similarly disconcerted reaction. My energy (and attention, whether intentional or not) is spent trying to make my body better and my mind wanders. Sometimes to places I'm curious about, sometimes to places I've been before, and sometimes to places I'd rather deal with when I'm awake.
It would be nice if the damn thing would just settle someplace dark and quiet for the next few hours.....