no poem this time, just a eulogy

[edward_g]

It was probably the most liberating, detested, sad, sad, wonderful, awful day of my life. Gina came up yesterday. After lunch and a viewing of the first 12 chapters of R. Kelly's "trapped in the closet" we started talking, I finally released one of the awful burdens of my mind - the desire to be alone for a long time so that something like my self can surface in the emptiness - I told her I wouldn't be ready to see her for at least a few years [there are a lot of details I'm going to leave out here of the subsequent hours, but there was a lot of misery]. We calmed down after a while and actually began rejoicing because we had found such wonderful people in each other, we had a lot of love, we were each other's saints, but then moments like this would inevitably give way to tears (which had been flowing freely all day), but then right back to praising each other. Never will another occupy my life the way she has, she joked about my poems and suggested I write something about her with the lines "years is a long time" (which I certainly will do) somewhere involved. Even now I can't really think about it without losing a little bit of contact. We may both go crazy, but I earnestly intend to come back for her when I/we are ready (at least until after grad. school).

I walked her to her car, she had lost a contact lense somewhere along the way but was going to drive back anyway, we exchanged some words and parted for quite a long time. I will not have my idea of love sullied by taking up any new interests, I will perfect my loneliness, we will make absolute our misery in order to overcome it.

For the rest of the evening I sung Sufjan Stevens songs to myself and wondered how such gruesome ideas could come from me.

Nymph, in thy orisons, be all my sins remembered.