A week of 2017
dear world,
happy post-new year 0f 2017,
i know i was late, sorry about that. it's been a while since i updated this blog.
2016 was a mess, such a mess that I thought maybe 2017 can be better
oh, how short-lived that was.
I purposely take a week before i can post this, just because i want to see how the first week of 2017 would turn out for me.
2016 was, as i said a mess. like a real mess.
maybe i should start with self-acceptance first.
i believe i might suffers with depression and anxiety.
i did see a GP for it, tried talking to a professional but my anxiety got the better of me.
my work is not working, my body feels weak and my brain is constantly showing me images of something i really don't want to say it out loud but yeah, i may have frequent suicidal thoughts. but, being me, and as useless i can be, i can't say it out loud because despite everything, i think this place i lived don't quite believe in mental illness,
i think i have a problem with my brain, but at the same time i feel like i am not that mentally ill enough to ask for help.
it's hard because being the eldest, not stable job and not being finacially able is not actually helpful at all.
maybe i should actually talk to my mom but i'm too scared to do so.
and i strongly believe she won't believe it.
and i am tired of being depressed but i am at the same time scared to shout out, asking for help and reaching out.
i forgot how to be happy and how i was back then.
I, for the sake of doing my post-grad is not working well,
i can't write. like seriously, going onto my laptop literally cause me headache and i feel like puking and vomiting.
and i had to withstand that for about two weeks before literally able to write this out. i can't draw or ever cook proper food. i keep sleeping since being asleep probably help a lot with coping. i created a friend and just let him talk to my brain. it worked for a short while but not as much.
if i really want to be honest, i really felt like i want to die but at the same time, i despise myself for being such a coward to actually think of running away by dying and at the same time, hating myself because i don't have the guts to actually do it.
seriously, i know no one will actually read this out. because i know my voice would never reach out and be heard. they keep saying just be yourself, but what if you are so lost and you don't know who you are anymore.
i have put myself a deadline. i literally want an end by im 30 but i, myself not sure what's the end actually entails. maybe i should actually consider writing a will just because.
i am always too scared of being hated by someone but at the same time im too tired to actually care about anything, about myself and my surrounding.
i might actually write more but then the issue with LJ server as things like that.
i don't know if i would actually migrate to dreamwidth
i am such a mess.
maybe it's better if im not around
happy post-new year 0f 2017,
i know i was late, sorry about that. it's been a while since i updated this blog.
2016 was a mess, such a mess that I thought maybe 2017 can be better
oh, how short-lived that was.
I purposely take a week before i can post this, just because i want to see how the first week of 2017 would turn out for me.
2016 was, as i said a mess. like a real mess.
maybe i should start with self-acceptance first.
i believe i might suffers with depression and anxiety.
i did see a GP for it, tried talking to a professional but my anxiety got the better of me.
my work is not working, my body feels weak and my brain is constantly showing me images of something i really don't want to say it out loud but yeah, i may have frequent suicidal thoughts. but, being me, and as useless i can be, i can't say it out loud because despite everything, i think this place i lived don't quite believe in mental illness,
i think i have a problem with my brain, but at the same time i feel like i am not that mentally ill enough to ask for help.
it's hard because being the eldest, not stable job and not being finacially able is not actually helpful at all.
maybe i should actually talk to my mom but i'm too scared to do so.
and i strongly believe she won't believe it.
and i am tired of being depressed but i am at the same time scared to shout out, asking for help and reaching out.
i forgot how to be happy and how i was back then.
I, for the sake of doing my post-grad is not working well,
i can't write. like seriously, going onto my laptop literally cause me headache and i feel like puking and vomiting.
and i had to withstand that for about two weeks before literally able to write this out. i can't draw or ever cook proper food. i keep sleeping since being asleep probably help a lot with coping. i created a friend and just let him talk to my brain. it worked for a short while but not as much.
if i really want to be honest, i really felt like i want to die but at the same time, i despise myself for being such a coward to actually think of running away by dying and at the same time, hating myself because i don't have the guts to actually do it.
seriously, i know no one will actually read this out. because i know my voice would never reach out and be heard. they keep saying just be yourself, but what if you are so lost and you don't know who you are anymore.
i have put myself a deadline. i literally want an end by im 30 but i, myself not sure what's the end actually entails. maybe i should actually consider writing a will just because.
i am always too scared of being hated by someone but at the same time im too tired to actually care about anything, about myself and my surrounding.
i might actually write more but then the issue with LJ server as things like that.
i don't know if i would actually migrate to dreamwidth
i am such a mess.
maybe it's better if im not around