Off the wall
Sometimes I miss the effects of high intensity magnetism and affection. I love the feeling of love, but selfishly. I want to write and so I miss the feeling of being coiling in another human so endlessly I can't see the light of day beyond my shrine of duality.
The misfortune in this is that each time I love, I lose some of my ability to do so and it's harder to find the same quality of mania a second time. I've become reckless, hunting for the same feelings of weakened, chest-grabbing psychosis, but it isn't so simple. I can't let myself trust what I hate or recommit to things I no longer believe in. And the trouble is that, despite all my convictions, I hardly believe in anything anymore.
I actually tried to fake passion, but I can't fucking feel anything. Now I just want drugs to deal with not feeling anything. Alcohol seems to be a bust, but sleep deprivation works pretty well alongside coffee, smokes and a pen. I may go another night without rest. I should be happy tomorrow though. Since Amanda's coming over, but...
Hm.
The misfortune in this is that each time I love, I lose some of my ability to do so and it's harder to find the same quality of mania a second time. I've become reckless, hunting for the same feelings of weakened, chest-grabbing psychosis, but it isn't so simple. I can't let myself trust what I hate or recommit to things I no longer believe in. And the trouble is that, despite all my convictions, I hardly believe in anything anymore.
I actually tried to fake passion, but I can't fucking feel anything. Now I just want drugs to deal with not feeling anything. Alcohol seems to be a bust, but sleep deprivation works pretty well alongside coffee, smokes and a pen. I may go another night without rest. I should be happy tomorrow though. Since Amanda's coming over, but...
Hm.