I'm FREAKIN' OUT man!!!
So I have registration in about nine hours at Channel Islands...and I am freaking out. Not only will I have to fight through morning rush hour traffic, but I have to wake up at like 5 in the morning because I have to be in Camarillo at 8:30AM!! Oh, and in case you aren't in CA at the moment it is POURING RAIN! It hasn't stopped raining in two weeks, and I hate rain. I had to take a Xanax today so that I didn't have a panic attack, what a wonderful drug it is! I think the reason that I am freaking out so bad is that 1) I have never left home 2) The whole panic disorder thing 3) I never really thought it would happen. You know how you know that something is going to happen, you prepair for it, you take every precaution but then it happens and you aren't ready. I feel like I have spent my whole life as a spectator, just watching it, not being in it. Like I have watched my entire life pass by and the only times I have actually felt like I was in my own life was when I was experiencing tramatic pain. Something is so wrong about that...perhaps why I'm in therapy. And now that my biggest fear of all is slowly closing in on me I want to panic..but my meds won't let me. It's not just that I am leaving home and my family, friends, boyfriend, and all that I know to be true (which petrifies me), but it's also that I have to grow up now, I have to move on with my life, I have to except change and become the woman I was meant to be. How scary is that? To live your whole life in sublime ignorance, and then one day to be slapped in the face with reality. I never wanted to grow up, I wanted to be a kid and then an adult and bypass all the horrible torment of your teens and twenty's...yet here I am. It's unreal, it's life altering, it's....strange. I still just can't believe it. I met my roommates and not only did I feel like I was just watching the entire thing from far far away, I had this strange moment where I felt like I already knew them from somewhere else...like I had been here before, already done this, and I was stuck in some horrible purgatory that was making me life through it all over again.
Strange...deja vu...there are many theories about it...my favorite one, and the one I believe to be the upmost truth is that whenever you have a moment of deja vu it is because you had done it wrong the first time. That life has a pause and rewind button and until you get that moment in time right you will keep reliving it. So how fucking weird to have a deja vu moment when meeting my roommates, people I had never met before that moment, what does it mean...scary.
So I haven't been able to see my therpist for two weeks and I needed to get this out, otherwise I would be too doped up to drive to school today. But...I don't know. You don't have to reply or anything, this is a journal after all, but if anyone has some insight to my panic, pass it along...please.
Strange...deja vu...there are many theories about it...my favorite one, and the one I believe to be the upmost truth is that whenever you have a moment of deja vu it is because you had done it wrong the first time. That life has a pause and rewind button and until you get that moment in time right you will keep reliving it. So how fucking weird to have a deja vu moment when meeting my roommates, people I had never met before that moment, what does it mean...scary.
So I haven't been able to see my therpist for two weeks and I needed to get this out, otherwise I would be too doped up to drive to school today. But...I don't know. You don't have to reply or anything, this is a journal after all, but if anyone has some insight to my panic, pass it along...please.