Can't run away from trouble... ain't no place that far away
isn't it funny how EVERY song on the radio was written just for you and him? i'm sick of singing every song about you.
WOOOO!! ENORMOUS UPDATE: this weekend had to be one of the greatest in my entire life! so friday: come home, shower, go to ms. terry's to get my hair cut, watched gabby while mommy got hers done. left, got ready for SCC concert. left my house around 6, didnt get home til 12:30. it was so much fun! definitely a bonding experience for me & my mom. i think we've finally come to an agreement on some things, and our relationship has never been better. i never would have thought i could ACTUALLY have fun with my MOM. crazy! but it was so great, he's a christian singer, so i didnt expect to have as much fun as i did. but i saw a ton of people i knew there, and it was like going to a church run by a band of rockers. so we had a really great time together, came home, talked ALOT and passed out. woke up early saturday morning to take the ACT, and let me just tell you how my calculator DIED on the very first math question!! rarhhhh i was so pissed off, i was actually on the verge of tears, because when she called time i had only finished 25 questions out of 60. yayyy cant wait to see that score, im guessing its somewhere in the low teens. im gonna wind up being a garbage man..sniff. so i came home, showered, started working on my term paper, didnt get very far. called up a bunch of people and started getting ready for WF. well after about an hour of unsuccessful hairdos, i called up ms. terry and begged her to help me. so she did it for free! and im just gonna watch her kids for free one night while she and mr.paul go out. so things worked out pretty well, and my hair was SO cute! so i came home and got MEGA MEGA cute for winter formal. surprisely, i looked HAWT. yes you did hear right, TOTAL BANGABLE HAWTNESS!! well maybe im exagerrating, but yeah you understand, i looked fucking cute. ill definitely post some pics once i get them developed<3 so me n ry had a wonderful time! i ran into tons of people i havent seen in AGES. saw james, wow the memories. i actually enjoyed that reunion. took some photos with my lovelys, danced a little, got stalked ALOT by pyscho freshman, and took 87482374 more pics. it was so much fun.. ryan looked precious with his hair, and i only ALMOST got killed once. so yay! WINTER FORMAL MISSION TO HAVE FUN was a success! we left around 11, brought ryan home, didn't get to sleep till 230 probably. woke up early for church. spent the whole day "working on my term paper" greatest part is i actually didnt do anything till 930 at night. it took FOREVER, and shes not even counting off if their late!! i wanted to shoot myself!! grrrrrrrr so i got less than an hour of sleep last night, so i took energy pills and shit and wow im hyper!hahah... well i talked to james, and things are so cool between us, we're making plans to hang out sometime soon, cause i cant stand the thought of letting ANOTHER year go by without seeing him. also had a chat with david last night. things are actually good between us. drama=all gone. still crushing on him, but afraid to take that dive again, cause this time i KNOW i'll drown. rahhh i dont know what to do with myself! i piss me off lol..i told myself over and over again, "it's better this way" funny how i convince myself i believe that. i know it's not okay, and i know how i feel. i'm just afraid. --- "Me, Im afraid of everything. Im afraid of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am .. but most of all I'm afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my life the way I feel when I'm with you." --- rah, it's the fact that NO ONE in my entire life has ever made me feel that way before and i can't forget. i can't move on. i spent like an hour explaining to him the shitty little canoe i'm in right now. he's cut a hole in it and i'm sinking faster. i kind of wish i hadn't given in, but then again, it's comforting somehow. so after spilling my entire soul to him(not a good idea), i realized what i was trying to say can come out in just 3 words: I MISS YOU. the end. i dont know what else to say. i'm angry with myself because he is doing nothing, i'm doing this to myself. i know i shouldnt, but it's so hard to stay away. i wish i hadn't said anything, just pretending like i was happy actaully began to work for me. but now that i've talked to him, i upset the entire balance in my life it took so long to achieve. everything i once felt came crashing down on me once again. and now im in this happy/sad mood. im happy things are okay, it's so fucking wonderful that we talk again. i'm glad i could finally release myself, and i'm glad he still cares enough to listen to me complain just for the sake of complaining. but im upset with myself for making things that way. i don't want things to be okay. "i wanna hate you so bad, but i can't stop this anymore than you can" dont get me wrong, i wanna be friends with him, everyone who knows me KNOWS how i am. i can't be hostile towards anyone for more than a week or 2, then i beg and plead for forgiveness. he's so awesome, but that trust we had, has been broken, no actually it's been shredded and i can't put anything back together. things feel like they fit now, but it's not the same. i think what i'm most afraid of is hurting myself. i've become too vulnerable, and those walls i tore down, will now take another 16 years to build up. =( advice anyone?
*Life was so much easier when our only worry was that recess was too short...when decisions were made by rock paper scissors...only skinned knees made us cry...boys had cooties and goodbyes meant tomorrow. Now PE is something we can't wait to get out of, and broken skin brings a muttered curse while broken hearts draw tears. Boys are no longer an alien race, and goodbyes are often forever. So, before we dive head first into all of this, let's have one last round of rock paper scissors..
WOOOO!! ENORMOUS UPDATE: this weekend had to be one of the greatest in my entire life! so friday: come home, shower, go to ms. terry's to get my hair cut, watched gabby while mommy got hers done. left, got ready for SCC concert. left my house around 6, didnt get home til 12:30. it was so much fun! definitely a bonding experience for me & my mom. i think we've finally come to an agreement on some things, and our relationship has never been better. i never would have thought i could ACTUALLY have fun with my MOM. crazy! but it was so great, he's a christian singer, so i didnt expect to have as much fun as i did. but i saw a ton of people i knew there, and it was like going to a church run by a band of rockers. so we had a really great time together, came home, talked ALOT and passed out. woke up early saturday morning to take the ACT, and let me just tell you how my calculator DIED on the very first math question!! rarhhhh i was so pissed off, i was actually on the verge of tears, because when she called time i had only finished 25 questions out of 60. yayyy cant wait to see that score, im guessing its somewhere in the low teens. im gonna wind up being a garbage man..sniff. so i came home, showered, started working on my term paper, didnt get very far. called up a bunch of people and started getting ready for WF. well after about an hour of unsuccessful hairdos, i called up ms. terry and begged her to help me. so she did it for free! and im just gonna watch her kids for free one night while she and mr.paul go out. so things worked out pretty well, and my hair was SO cute! so i came home and got MEGA MEGA cute for winter formal. surprisely, i looked HAWT. yes you did hear right, TOTAL BANGABLE HAWTNESS!! well maybe im exagerrating, but yeah you understand, i looked fucking cute. ill definitely post some pics once i get them developed<3 so me n ry had a wonderful time! i ran into tons of people i havent seen in AGES. saw james, wow the memories. i actually enjoyed that reunion. took some photos with my lovelys, danced a little, got stalked ALOT by pyscho freshman, and took 87482374 more pics. it was so much fun.. ryan looked precious with his hair, and i only ALMOST got killed once. so yay! WINTER FORMAL MISSION TO HAVE FUN was a success! we left around 11, brought ryan home, didn't get to sleep till 230 probably. woke up early for church. spent the whole day "working on my term paper" greatest part is i actually didnt do anything till 930 at night. it took FOREVER, and shes not even counting off if their late!! i wanted to shoot myself!! grrrrrrrr so i got less than an hour of sleep last night, so i took energy pills and shit and wow im hyper!hahah... well i talked to james, and things are so cool between us, we're making plans to hang out sometime soon, cause i cant stand the thought of letting ANOTHER year go by without seeing him. also had a chat with david last night. things are actually good between us. drama=all gone. still crushing on him, but afraid to take that dive again, cause this time i KNOW i'll drown. rahhh i dont know what to do with myself! i piss me off lol..i told myself over and over again, "it's better this way" funny how i convince myself i believe that. i know it's not okay, and i know how i feel. i'm just afraid. --- "Me, Im afraid of everything. Im afraid of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am .. but most of all I'm afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my life the way I feel when I'm with you." --- rah, it's the fact that NO ONE in my entire life has ever made me feel that way before and i can't forget. i can't move on. i spent like an hour explaining to him the shitty little canoe i'm in right now. he's cut a hole in it and i'm sinking faster. i kind of wish i hadn't given in, but then again, it's comforting somehow. so after spilling my entire soul to him(not a good idea), i realized what i was trying to say can come out in just 3 words: I MISS YOU. the end. i dont know what else to say. i'm angry with myself because he is doing nothing, i'm doing this to myself. i know i shouldnt, but it's so hard to stay away. i wish i hadn't said anything, just pretending like i was happy actaully began to work for me. but now that i've talked to him, i upset the entire balance in my life it took so long to achieve. everything i once felt came crashing down on me once again. and now im in this happy/sad mood. im happy things are okay, it's so fucking wonderful that we talk again. i'm glad i could finally release myself, and i'm glad he still cares enough to listen to me complain just for the sake of complaining. but im upset with myself for making things that way. i don't want things to be okay. "i wanna hate you so bad, but i can't stop this anymore than you can" dont get me wrong, i wanna be friends with him, everyone who knows me KNOWS how i am. i can't be hostile towards anyone for more than a week or 2, then i beg and plead for forgiveness. he's so awesome, but that trust we had, has been broken, no actually it's been shredded and i can't put anything back together. things feel like they fit now, but it's not the same. i think what i'm most afraid of is hurting myself. i've become too vulnerable, and those walls i tore down, will now take another 16 years to build up. =( advice anyone?
*Life was so much easier when our only worry was that recess was too short...when decisions were made by rock paper scissors...only skinned knees made us cry...boys had cooties and goodbyes meant tomorrow. Now PE is something we can't wait to get out of, and broken skin brings a muttered curse while broken hearts draw tears. Boys are no longer an alien race, and goodbyes are often forever. So, before we dive head first into all of this, let's have one last round of rock paper scissors..