IM OFFICIALLY ON THE TOP 100 IDIOTS OF AMERICA LIST.....
okay. so much for being happy. i'm now alone and depressed. honestly, i don't think i've ever felt quite this shitty over ONE boy. after a lifetime of harboring my feelings and trusting noone, i gave in. i trusted, and i was betrayed. NEVER AGAIN. i don't want to get into the hideous details, so we'll keep this short and sweet. i get a boyfriend, who already has a gf, im clueless, i get fucked over, he pretends he doesn't know me, and the blame is dropped on me. seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? i had a total meltdown at school yesterday. i've never cried this much in my life. it's not the fact that yes, i liked him incredibly much, i've been in love and been hurt, i managed to get through it. but this. i was not prepared for this. i can still feel the knife sticking out my back. and the greatest part is, he sweet talked her, just as he sweet talked me, and he dropped me, and their still together. it makes me wanna puke. i absolutely HATE being second best. i cant stand it. and to think that i was special - wow Mandy you're officially an incompetent retard. i feel like oh hey, im nothing, im just his EASY ACCESS. "well, i cant see my other 8347829374 girlfriends, but hey Mandy's right around the corner and she'd do anything to make me happy. let's go fuck with her emotions." yay. and i literally threw up when i found out everyday he was at my house, we'd do shit, more than just oh a kiss. and he'd leave my house, and go and do the same shit with her. okay honestly i've showered like 4 times in the past 2 days, yet i feel SO dirty. and now i got back the cold that i gave to david, which he in turn gave back to me. just another reminder that he's no longer mine. i cried when i had to come home from physical therapy yesterday, because i signed online - he wasn't the first to IM me. i walk outside - and he's not there waiting for me. i had no idea it'd hurt this much. he's not even at the top of my list of guys i've ADORED. i dont understand why this is so painful. i can physically feel the pain in my chest. i hate this. i don't know what to do with myself. i ate a half a gallon of rocky road ice cream last night. and watched a walk to remember. i thought that would make things okay. i was wrong. i still care so much, but the thing is I DONT WANNA CARE. i wanna hate him, i wanna step on him like he stepped on me. but that's not who i am. so i just pretend like i'm over it, pretend like i don't go home everyday waiting for him to be there, pretend i dont cry myself to sleep. this makes me want to call finnan. but i feel like an asshole for blowing him off. see, why didn't it upset me when i lost him, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE for a whole 11 months? yet, me and david - everyday for maybe a month at the most? i dont understand. i just cannot pick this apart. im so confused. i want him SO bad. and i hate it. i read her profile every 5 seconds and it makes me feel like shit. she's probably laughing "hey im only 15 and i get everything i want." stupid bitch. but i can't blame her, because i wouldn't have dumped david either. no he didn't even dump me, he just ended it with a FUCK YOU. thanks. my self-esteem has declined a whole 5 points in this past week. maybe this will teach me a lesson, NEVER PICK A GUY OVER YOUR BEST FRIEND. i promised myself i'd never do that, and i did. i took a risk, and it backfired. but hey at least i didnt lose david AND cait. so i guess things COULD be worse right now. i dont really see how. but maybe one day i will. well, i have to go contemplate my puzzle of a life, and finish that thing called homework. yeah that thing i havent done in 3 weeks because i was with david 24/7. yes! another reminder. shoot me.