(no subject)
Title: Silly, silly love songs
Pairings/Characters: Fujigaya/Kitayama
Rating: Pg
Summary: Fujigaya tries to understand the complex dynamic that they have. In the end, Kitayama has it all figured out. Sometimes, love is better left unexplained.
Notes: Basically my own attempt at an interpretation of their relationship, since they really don’t provide as much fan service as they should, given how much they’re stuck together. This was for the kis_my_fic2 exchange, which was awesome and produced so much great fic.
-
It reaches a point where Fujigaya is reasonably certain that he should be worried. He’s pretty sure that he has nothing but semi-friendly, platonic feelings when it comes to Kitayama.
Everything considered, Fujigaya even feels that he can cope just fine without Kitayama
Fujigaya knows that he’s only called Kitayama once ever, and only because he’d left his schedule behind after practice and Yokoo wasn’t picking up. Fujigaya tries to look back in time, and he can’t even remember having a real, good, heart-to-heart chat with Kitayama ever. Not like the ones he can have with Yokoo, or Goseki or even Kawai.
And that’s all very well and true, except that Fujigaya comes to the realization that Kitayama is always there. (And then, the even more shocking realization that he doesn’t really mind)
-
At first, it’s easy to blame it on the drama and the fact that Duet hates him.
But later, when Fujigaya really thinks hard, he realizes that it’s always been that way. They don’t go out for meals together in private like Kitayama does with Tamamori and Miyata, and they don’t sit next to each other when they’re travelling in a group (they go through epic rounds of janken to decide who gets Yokoo’s shoulder). All in all, they should be perfectly normal co-workers.
Fujigaya discovers, after a few days of observation that he’s 95% confident about being correct whatever Kitayama opens his mouth to say and that he’s actually correct 98% of the time. When Kitayama is slumped on the floor, eyes shut, Fujigaya knows that he isn’t really sleeping, but he’s tired and wanting to give up. He realizes that he knows which flavor of soda Kitayama likes best, and which bento he will reach for on each specific day. Fujigaya finds this mildly disturbing; a little because it’s really nothing he wants to know and a lot because he isn’t sure how knows in the first place.
As Kitayama stretches out on the couch, Fujigaya tries to focus on pinning up his hair right. Blue cushion, he thinks to himself, as Kitayama reaches out a hand; it’s the soft, smelly one that Kitayama uses during break times. He’s right, as usual, and Fujigaya sternly tells himself to stop watching Kitayama; it only makes things worse.
Of course, he ends up spending his break peering at Kitayama through his bangs anyway.
-
It’s mostly infuriating because Fujigaya really doesn’t like Kitayama that way. He doesn’t like Kitayama, but really seems to understand Kitayama the way a more-than-a-friend would, and therein lies the problem. Fujigaya wonders if he’s in some sort of denial. He dismisses this, after some thought; because he really, really doesn’t.
Of course, he doesn’t dislike Kitayama. Fujigaya can see why Kitayama is attractive. Physically, Kitayama is pretty easy on the eyes; a little too short for Fujigaya’s tastes, but still. Fujigaya can also see why people would fall in love with Kitayama after a while. Kitayama is easy-going and understanding, and even caring in his own quiet, flippant way.
Fujigaya knows that it’s Kitayama who puts things back in order when Yokoo loses his temper after the dressing room is messed up one too many times. He also knows how it’s really Kitayama who put those little encouraging notes into Tamamori’s bag after hard practices (Miyata unknowingly takes credit for them).
All in, Kitayama is actually a really great guy.
Fujigaya can’t understand why he can’t accept that and leave it as it is. Instead, he thinks about it more and more; about how he should theoretically be falling for Kitayama and how hasn’t quite done it yet.
-
One day, during drama filming, Karina-san brings in bentos for everyone. Fujigaya finds himself absently picking out Ebi-curry for himself and then Pork cutlet for Kitayama.
‘Oh~,’ says Kitayama, when he finishes filming and finds his bento waiting by his chair with a can of lemon soda, ‘My favorite, how did Karina-san know?’
Fujigaya bites his lips.
Karina-san grins at them (because they somehow always end up sitting next to each other during breaks; Fujigaya knows for a fact that this is because of cast interference), and nudges Fujigaya. ‘Fujigaya-kun knows Kitayama really well ne?’ she giggles -giggles!- and makes suggestive faces till Fujigaya turns pink.
‘I’m too used to him,’ Fujigaya blusters, more for himself than for Karina, who isn’t buying anything. He stuffs far too much prawn into his mouth at once and eats about half his bento with record speed. When he pauses, he feels eyes on him. Turning to the right, he finds Kitayama staring at him with an expression that Fujigaya can’t quite read.
It’s familiar fondness, perhaps, along with a dash of amusement and a pinch of curiosity and then some confusion.
‘You do know me very well, don’t’ you?’ Kitayama says thoughtfully.
Fujigaya turns his eyes back on his food and doesn’t say anything. Kitayama lets it drop.
-
After the bento incident, Fujigaya starts stressing over something else. He knows how he feels (pretty damn mixed up), but he doesn’t know how Kitayama feels.
Fujigaya wonders if Kitayama knows as much about Fujigaya’s daily habits and quirks and he knows about Kitayama. He wonders if Kitayama has ever thought about how they always seem to be within a one meter radius of each other or about how they’re really just friends.
The thought that Kitayama might not have, in fact, considered this at all bothers Fujigaya for reasons he can’t quite comprehend.
-
This continues until Fujigaya gets a few activities to do all by himself. It’s exciting to have been picked, even though he’s not a hopeful teenager anymore. Fujigaya spends the first few days of the drama special filming perfectly fine. He gets to know new people and charms the catering lady into giving him first pick of the lunch menu.
After a while though, Fujigaya gets the sinking feeling (and it’s only sinking because it’s something he’s been hoping will not happen) that something doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t take too long for him to figure out what.
It’s unnatural, frightfully unnatural to not have Kitayama snoozing in the chair beside him or cracking lame jokes that nobody laughs at. It’s not like Fujigaya even communicates with Kitayama, most of the time, but the space beside him is conspicuously empty and annoyingly quiet. Fujigaya finds that this uncomfortable feeling lasts through filming and then quickly dissolves as though it was never there the moment he steps into the Kisumai dressing room and sees Kitayama trying to inhale a whole cup of aloe yogurt in one shot.
Fujigaya decides that there must be a name for what they have (if they have anything at all); it’s too strong, too obvious to be ignored. When Kitayama plonks the yogurt cup with a satisfied sigh onto the table and flashes Fujigaya a small smile and casual nod, Fujigaya tells himself that he has to sort things out fast, before his brain overwhelms him completely.
-
A conclusion finds itself far too easily.
They’re at rehearsals, just the two of them, waiting for the choreographers to decide if doing a triple spin is really needed for nice, friend-shipy song. Kitayama is looking at Fujigaya’s wrist blankly, almost about to drop off.
‘I’ve been thinking,’ says Kitayama out of the blue. Fujigaya jumps and shifts his eyes away from Kitayama’s nose.
‘We’re together pretty much all the time,’ Kitayama shifts till he’s facing Fujigaya and Fujigaya can’t look away without it being obvious that he’s looking away; that would be admitting to discomfort and Fujigaya isn’t letting that happen.
‘And I’ve been thinking ‘bout how I feel about you,’ Kitayama pokes Fujigaya’s chest and grins. The conversation is straying into rather dangerous territory; Fujigaya is now at the stage where he isn’t sure of anything anymore.
‘I know what you like too,’ Kitayama continues, ‘I know which necklace you’re gonna wear tomorrow and which shirt if your favorite for practice. And it’s strange because I didn’t think I would. We’re pretty different after all. But you know,’ Kitayama pauses for a moment, ‘I think we might have so love going on here after all.’
Fujigaya stares at Kitayama like he’s grown another head.
‘sdfjdsdg?’ he splutters, turning pink again.
Kitayama nods, ‘Like how I know you’re actually half pleased and half embarrassed because you might like me back.’
‘No,’ says Fujigaya, although he really means yes. Kitayama snorts like he knows (and he actually does)
‘Love?’ Fujigaya asks, ‘We’re friends, acquaintances even. I-I don’t get sweaty palms or tingly feelings in my stomach when I see you. I think you’re really cool. But that can’t be love.’
Kitayama ponders this.
‘Tottsu and I were talking about this the other day,’ he says, ‘And we came to the conclusion that it’s a different kind of love. I love Tottsu. And sometimes I find a girl that I want to love. And I love you too. It’s special. So we shouldn’t try deciphering it and stressing out over it for weeks. Like you’ve been doing.’ Kitayama taps the side of his nose knowingly because really, Fujigaya has been looking at Kitayama’s nose a whole lot.
‘Damn you,’ grouses Fujigaya after a while,’ you shouldn’t figure things out so easy.’ Because Kitayama is kinda right about everything, as usual, the asshole.
Kitayama smiles again, and it’s warm and familiar and something like love after all.
-
Nothing actually changes after Fujigaya accept that he loves Kitayama. They still don’t go out for meals (unless they actually make the effort to plan to) and they only have heart-to-heart chats when they’re stuck sharing hotel rooms (Hasshi wins the janken for Tottsu) and Fujigaya’s phone line has been cancelled again.
But the knot in Fujigaya’s stomach that’s been bothering him for months eases out. He draws his strength from Kitayama beside him, he realizes, from Kitayama being there, working hard and holding them all together. Sometimes, Kitayama will drop him a wink, or a friendly leader pat and Fujigaya will fetch an extra soda for Kitayama from the canteen.
Fujigaya discovers that he loves Kitayama not because he’s a really great guy, but because Kitayama is Kitayama; strong and sometimes vulnerable (and it takes time to see this). Fujigaya loves that Kitayama lets him see this side of him; closeness has developed, over the years of being in love and not knowing it and now, once it’s all out there, they both feel it a little more.
It’s quiet and powerful and very much there, this love.
-
‘I didn’t want to love you at first,’ Fujigaya tells Kitayama one day, ‘But then I realized that was just me. You mean a lot.’ He says, and waits in awkward silence for Kitayama to digest this and respond.
When Kitayama leans in and kisses his cheek softly, it’s not exactly the response Fujigaya expects.
‘You mean a lot too,’ Kitayama whispers, ‘Thank you.’
Somehow, Fujigaya knows what Kitayama is trying to say, because Kitayama’s emotions may not show all over his face like Fujigaya, but they’re there, and Fujigaya takes pride in the fact that he knows where to find them.
Perhaps, this is what being in love really means.
-
No one actually notices anything except maybe for Yokoo. But later, after the debut has been announced and they’re backstage and staring at each other, Kitayama grabs Fujigaya and hugs him, long and hard and happy. It’s kind of perfect, Fujigaya thinks, head buried in Kitayama’s shoulder, inhaling the intoxicating scent of triumph.
‘Wait,’ comes Senga’s voice, ‘you mean they’re-‘
Fujigaya just laughs, bright and genuine, ‘Something like that,’ he tells Senga, ‘Something like that.’
-
I was thinking about what it would be like if they were like Tama and MIyata. And then I laughed and wrote this.
...and I should be posting something else for the arashi_on fundraiser, provided I actually type it out.
The fic here isn't locked, so you don't have to join but if you do want updates and stuff, feel free to join/watch