Temporally claustrophobic
I call the way I'm feeling "temporally claustrophobic" because it's the best way I can think to describe what this conflict feels like. I feel the pressure of limited time closing in on me, and I'm stretched out for being so anxious over it.
I turn 24 in a little over 2 months. I realize that this is young. However, I am starting to panic.
I am feeling disconnected with the world. I have no real social contacts outside of my boyfriend and the intermittent chatter on Facebook/AIM (by intermittent, I truly mean it: I get to talk to someone maybe once a week?). I am also not feeling the urge to go out and make new contacts, mainly because I've never really known how and I am afraid of the energy and falseness it requires. I don't even really talk to anyone at work - 15 minutes here and there, but there have honestly been entire work days where I go without talking to another human being.
I am feeling especially adrift in the matter of "life's work." There is a lot of stuff I want to do. I can't decide on any one of those things without starting to feel boxed in, afraid that by choosing one, I am forgoing another. Conversely, I know that I have already eliminated myself from some things simply because I have been so afraid to choose something. The juxtaposition and ambivalence is driving my anxiety to new heights.
I can't decide if I'm more lonely or more lost. I haven't done the things I've wanted because I've wanted to do them in a very, very long time. I am not sure I even know what I really want anymore. Knowing that would help me get to know people who would be more likely to be in my train of thought. Knowing people might help me decide what it is I want. A fine mess, and in the mean time, without either, I feel like I've reached the end of the line.
I want to teach English in Japan, I want to live on a ranch in Montana and ride horses all day, I want to paint, I want to write, I want to study genes, I want to build robots, I want to travel the stars, I want to have children, I want to spend my life studying and reading, I want something of my own and I want to give something lasting to the world.
The walls are closing in. Time is short.
I turn 24 in a little over 2 months. I realize that this is young. However, I am starting to panic.
I am feeling disconnected with the world. I have no real social contacts outside of my boyfriend and the intermittent chatter on Facebook/AIM (by intermittent, I truly mean it: I get to talk to someone maybe once a week?). I am also not feeling the urge to go out and make new contacts, mainly because I've never really known how and I am afraid of the energy and falseness it requires. I don't even really talk to anyone at work - 15 minutes here and there, but there have honestly been entire work days where I go without talking to another human being.
I am feeling especially adrift in the matter of "life's work." There is a lot of stuff I want to do. I can't decide on any one of those things without starting to feel boxed in, afraid that by choosing one, I am forgoing another. Conversely, I know that I have already eliminated myself from some things simply because I have been so afraid to choose something. The juxtaposition and ambivalence is driving my anxiety to new heights.
I can't decide if I'm more lonely or more lost. I haven't done the things I've wanted because I've wanted to do them in a very, very long time. I am not sure I even know what I really want anymore. Knowing that would help me get to know people who would be more likely to be in my train of thought. Knowing people might help me decide what it is I want. A fine mess, and in the mean time, without either, I feel like I've reached the end of the line.
I want to teach English in Japan, I want to live on a ranch in Montana and ride horses all day, I want to paint, I want to write, I want to study genes, I want to build robots, I want to travel the stars, I want to have children, I want to spend my life studying and reading, I want something of my own and I want to give something lasting to the world.
The walls are closing in. Time is short.