Eek
I’d like to preface this by saying that I expect to get made fun of. I make fun of people for writing shit like this on online journals often and yet I tend to do the same every few months. So make fun of me. I am a joke.
But really, I think I am broken. I have been permanently mind-fucked. I guess I can’t really know what is and isn’t permanent, but the fact that I am constantly divulging into wishful thinking and “could’ve” “would’ve” “should’ves” about something that happened almost 10 months ago is pretty pathetic by my standards.
The entire basis for my personal school of thought hinges on my ability to remember through photography. This is a definite negative when applied to my current tendencies to look at old pictures of my personal definitions of beauty and happiness. I can make photos that bring forth emotions. In this facet that has backfired on me. I’m also one of those people whose emotions are greatly affected by things like a photo, music, movies, and writing. That’s why I can’t read any of the notes or letters. Those fuck me up. She’s an astonishing writer.
I accidently read a message I got from her maybe 6 months ago. The last line says “maybe one day, after we meet in the fruit section, we will make up our minds, start packing, and leave before the sun comes up that day. We'll go somewhere, but we won't know the way. the road will be paved in gold, and it will be an endless summer.
chin up”. That instantly filled me with what I now recognize as false hope.
But seriously, 9 full months? I’ve had hookups during that time. I’ve dated girls during that time. I have met scores of people in that time and yet the only thing I have been looking for is a replacement. Someone just like her but better so that it blocks her from my memory completely and I don’t ever have to go back and remember that because what I have now is so much better. I put myself out there so much. I am an incredibly outgoing and social person. How then is it that practically every close friend of mine is in a highly committed and serious relationship?
What little bit of common sense I have lets me know that of course I’m not going to find anyone while I’m looking. No one goes out looking for love and finds it. It finds you, and when you’re not expecting it. That’s why all those craigslist ads go unanswered. I don’t know how to stop looking though. I have been looking since I can remember. I can literally remember looking for serious relationships in Kindergarten. Ha. That sounds ridiculous even to me.
The other thing I know is that I should be using this time to advance my career and establish myself as an individual. I should be figuring out who Isaac Miller is so that I can define him and I should be making connections and building a portfolio so that when that 10 year reunion rolls around, I will be so busy setting up soft boxes and umbrellas for some cover shoot that I will respectfully and regretfully be unable to make it. The thing about that is that I AM doing that. I know who I am and am confident and content with it. I know that I need to grow and I take all the opportunities I can to do so. I don’t let anyone but me tell me what to do and how to think or behave. I have business cards and shoot weddings and portraits and have regular clients and make enough money from photography that technically I should be paying taxes on it. And I’m just getting started.
I in no way am trying to say I am better than anyone or perfect or any shit like that. I’m just saying I’m happy with myself for the most part and doing what I want in life generally speaking.
I have family. I mean this in both the literal and figurative sense. I am on good terms with my parents and sisters. I have best friends, and I mean best friends who I would do anything for, and would do likewise for me. I am happy at my day job and love all of my coworkers. They like me too and we have a good time at the office.
So why in the fuck do I feel like a central piece of the puzzle is missing? And why the fuck does that piece of the puzzle live down the street from me?
I know people think I am a joke for being so stuck on this but what’s a guy to do? Tell me how to change an inherent feeling. Tell me after 9 months of fruitless searching where I’m not looking. Better yet, tell me how to be indelibly content with this fulfilling life that I so earnestly take for granted.
I really don’t know how to answer any of these questions. A lot is changing I suppose. I have made sure, again, that I my days are busy as possible so that I’m not left thinking about her. People are all leaving again to go away to school. I have new classes and will meet more new people.
I think Luke may have said it best though a few months ago at lunch one day.
We were discussing his situation with Ashley at the time and all the similarities we had. He thought about it for a while and then said “Sounds like you found her and let her get away. It sucks”
Seriously.
But really, I think I am broken. I have been permanently mind-fucked. I guess I can’t really know what is and isn’t permanent, but the fact that I am constantly divulging into wishful thinking and “could’ve” “would’ve” “should’ves” about something that happened almost 10 months ago is pretty pathetic by my standards.
The entire basis for my personal school of thought hinges on my ability to remember through photography. This is a definite negative when applied to my current tendencies to look at old pictures of my personal definitions of beauty and happiness. I can make photos that bring forth emotions. In this facet that has backfired on me. I’m also one of those people whose emotions are greatly affected by things like a photo, music, movies, and writing. That’s why I can’t read any of the notes or letters. Those fuck me up. She’s an astonishing writer.
I accidently read a message I got from her maybe 6 months ago. The last line says “maybe one day, after we meet in the fruit section, we will make up our minds, start packing, and leave before the sun comes up that day. We'll go somewhere, but we won't know the way. the road will be paved in gold, and it will be an endless summer.
chin up”. That instantly filled me with what I now recognize as false hope.
But seriously, 9 full months? I’ve had hookups during that time. I’ve dated girls during that time. I have met scores of people in that time and yet the only thing I have been looking for is a replacement. Someone just like her but better so that it blocks her from my memory completely and I don’t ever have to go back and remember that because what I have now is so much better. I put myself out there so much. I am an incredibly outgoing and social person. How then is it that practically every close friend of mine is in a highly committed and serious relationship?
What little bit of common sense I have lets me know that of course I’m not going to find anyone while I’m looking. No one goes out looking for love and finds it. It finds you, and when you’re not expecting it. That’s why all those craigslist ads go unanswered. I don’t know how to stop looking though. I have been looking since I can remember. I can literally remember looking for serious relationships in Kindergarten. Ha. That sounds ridiculous even to me.
The other thing I know is that I should be using this time to advance my career and establish myself as an individual. I should be figuring out who Isaac Miller is so that I can define him and I should be making connections and building a portfolio so that when that 10 year reunion rolls around, I will be so busy setting up soft boxes and umbrellas for some cover shoot that I will respectfully and regretfully be unable to make it. The thing about that is that I AM doing that. I know who I am and am confident and content with it. I know that I need to grow and I take all the opportunities I can to do so. I don’t let anyone but me tell me what to do and how to think or behave. I have business cards and shoot weddings and portraits and have regular clients and make enough money from photography that technically I should be paying taxes on it. And I’m just getting started.
I in no way am trying to say I am better than anyone or perfect or any shit like that. I’m just saying I’m happy with myself for the most part and doing what I want in life generally speaking.
I have family. I mean this in both the literal and figurative sense. I am on good terms with my parents and sisters. I have best friends, and I mean best friends who I would do anything for, and would do likewise for me. I am happy at my day job and love all of my coworkers. They like me too and we have a good time at the office.
So why in the fuck do I feel like a central piece of the puzzle is missing? And why the fuck does that piece of the puzzle live down the street from me?
I know people think I am a joke for being so stuck on this but what’s a guy to do? Tell me how to change an inherent feeling. Tell me after 9 months of fruitless searching where I’m not looking. Better yet, tell me how to be indelibly content with this fulfilling life that I so earnestly take for granted.
I really don’t know how to answer any of these questions. A lot is changing I suppose. I have made sure, again, that I my days are busy as possible so that I’m not left thinking about her. People are all leaving again to go away to school. I have new classes and will meet more new people.
I think Luke may have said it best though a few months ago at lunch one day.
We were discussing his situation with Ashley at the time and all the similarities we had. He thought about it for a while and then said “Sounds like you found her and let her get away. It sucks”
Seriously.