my new year
Decided against going out and going to some hometown party and ended up staying at home and watching 3/4 of 2012 (even though 5 minutes in I realized it is an absolutely horrible movie, although I'm still trying to figure out if it's sheer shittiness is supposed to be some postmodern sarcastic humor or something) before falling asleep at 12:30. I am so apathetic about a. New Year's, b. partying, c. social interaction with people at home, d. celebrating some socially inscribed ~*~*significant*~*~ event. With each day, I realize I dislike being around people more and more. I don't think it's such a terrible thing, but a lot of my friends have been telling me that this is no good. I don't understand why introversion is frowned upon.
I've just spent 12 days in Salt Lake City skiing, reading (we were living in a literally empty house as my cousins moved to China 5 years ago and have been trying to sell their house since then), getting back in touch with my family, and getting back in touch with the belittling side of my family (the entire Ho family hasn't been together in 8 years or so, so correspondingly our elders only know how to treat all the kids in the group like we're 8-14 again). Awesome family photos to come (seriously).
I had my heart broken and somewhat trampled on multiple times this break, I didn't know I had any to begin with. Fuck. My cousins and I were talking about who out of all of us would get married first and last, and unsurprisingly, me married last was repeatedly voiced without dissent.
Fuck, I don't know. I've been reading this scifi anthology that my dad read in college -- The Golden Age of Science Fiction with 36 short stories/mini novels compiled by Isaac Asimov -- and it's been putting me in a fucking strange mood. And being in an empty house with the family I haven't seen for years, that was weird as well. It all felt like some strange social experiment. And then I come back to Fremont, and the weird thing about coming home is that I only feel good for the first five minutes I land or the first 30 seconds I'm on my couch or in bed (literally) and then I feel anxious and depressed. And all this shit's been coming up and FUCK I don't even know where to start, but god I feel so disconnected. Is this normal? Because each day I feel more out of touch with the world, with society, with everybody and everything around me and not in a "I'm not caught up with the times" kinda thing but like maybe I'm looking at you through an observation window. Or maybe you're looking at me through an observation window. Maybe it's all this science fiction doing this to me -- I've literally only been reading science fiction anthologies or novels in the past few months.
I've also been getting anxiety/panic attacks out of the blue a lot, recently.
I've just spent 12 days in Salt Lake City skiing, reading (we were living in a literally empty house as my cousins moved to China 5 years ago and have been trying to sell their house since then), getting back in touch with my family, and getting back in touch with the belittling side of my family (the entire Ho family hasn't been together in 8 years or so, so correspondingly our elders only know how to treat all the kids in the group like we're 8-14 again). Awesome family photos to come (seriously).
I had my heart broken and somewhat trampled on multiple times this break, I didn't know I had any to begin with. Fuck. My cousins and I were talking about who out of all of us would get married first and last, and unsurprisingly, me married last was repeatedly voiced without dissent.
Fuck, I don't know. I've been reading this scifi anthology that my dad read in college -- The Golden Age of Science Fiction with 36 short stories/mini novels compiled by Isaac Asimov -- and it's been putting me in a fucking strange mood. And being in an empty house with the family I haven't seen for years, that was weird as well. It all felt like some strange social experiment. And then I come back to Fremont, and the weird thing about coming home is that I only feel good for the first five minutes I land or the first 30 seconds I'm on my couch or in bed (literally) and then I feel anxious and depressed. And all this shit's been coming up and FUCK I don't even know where to start, but god I feel so disconnected. Is this normal? Because each day I feel more out of touch with the world, with society, with everybody and everything around me and not in a "I'm not caught up with the times" kinda thing but like maybe I'm looking at you through an observation window. Or maybe you're looking at me through an observation window. Maybe it's all this science fiction doing this to me -- I've literally only been reading science fiction anthologies or novels in the past few months.
I've also been getting anxiety/panic attacks out of the blue a lot, recently.