never kick a gift horse in the mouth
morning, L.J.
one more day before the big '05 (31st doesnt count as a full day). it feels like perfect timing to me. this year had a bag full of "firsts" and for the first time (b'zing!) "tomorrow" feels like the beginning of a new chapter/volume/appendage in my life. i'm ready to go back to school and (lab science please dont bring me down) ready to concentrate on work for a change. i've been a lazy artist. i finally realized that might be what brings me down so much. i know how great it feels when i'm doin' the kind of writing a want, filming what i want, etc what i want and i haven't been doin any of that simply out of laziness. i sit in dark rooms and neglected closets and bemoan existence when... you know, this is all elementary in many ways. if i were asked to give someone advice, someone very much like myself, i would whack the person upside the head. it's high time i realized that a) in a few months i will have moved from baltimore --> for the summer, but ideally for good, since work is in NY. b) i have to start my senior project in a month. ONE MONTH. writing has to be done by april and filming has to start this summer. i have a lot to learn but... i know i can make a good film that can do wonders for me after bard. really, i HAVE to. it's the best way to get work later. so LEARN something, or at least try. c) you know that thing where you do something and recieve money in return? work i think its called? you need the damn money. quit buyin junk and wastin' it. d) all of this can be easy and as the great greek philosopher wrote: "learning MUST be fun."
lastly, the other half of the pile is relationshipery. molly is great and earnest and did wonders for me. we grew together. i do miss her. she also feels light years away. i don't know what's goin on with her now, nor her with me, and that does worry. for the longest time we knew everything about eachother's lives. i hope all is well. i would have heard if things were not. it's been more than four months since we broke up but.. it feels like so long ago that we were together. do i get an uneasy feeling when my family drives somewhere near her neighborhood to buy coffee or petfood or cds, dvds? yeah. that's about it though. do i feel sad talking about her? nope. sad finding some token of our relationship in a forgotten desk drawer? nope. want to get back together? nope. i did my own thing so much this semester --> felt good. i was ready for it. when i think of molly it is thinking of the past, a good past, and doesn't fit with who i am now or what i plan to do next year, the next ten years, the future at all. i think we'll reconnect and be friends someday, but... i don't think of her romantically anymore and that's.. okay. for the last... hmm.. since 11th grade she was "the one".. that's changed and.. this time i'm lucky --> i need change.
finally my heart is free from achin', my mind is ready to spin at the speed thats needed, it doesnt seem odd to move away from home, or early, or late.
---
heh heh heh. if you got that far, world, if you've read down to here, you can wrench your hair as i paraphrase: all is well. bring on 2005.
one more day before the big '05 (31st doesnt count as a full day). it feels like perfect timing to me. this year had a bag full of "firsts" and for the first time (b'zing!) "tomorrow" feels like the beginning of a new chapter/volume/appendage in my life. i'm ready to go back to school and (lab science please dont bring me down) ready to concentrate on work for a change. i've been a lazy artist. i finally realized that might be what brings me down so much. i know how great it feels when i'm doin' the kind of writing a want, filming what i want, etc what i want and i haven't been doin any of that simply out of laziness. i sit in dark rooms and neglected closets and bemoan existence when... you know, this is all elementary in many ways. if i were asked to give someone advice, someone very much like myself, i would whack the person upside the head. it's high time i realized that a) in a few months i will have moved from baltimore --> for the summer, but ideally for good, since work is in NY. b) i have to start my senior project in a month. ONE MONTH. writing has to be done by april and filming has to start this summer. i have a lot to learn but... i know i can make a good film that can do wonders for me after bard. really, i HAVE to. it's the best way to get work later. so LEARN something, or at least try. c) you know that thing where you do something and recieve money in return? work i think its called? you need the damn money. quit buyin junk and wastin' it. d) all of this can be easy and as the great greek philosopher wrote: "learning MUST be fun."
lastly, the other half of the pile is relationshipery. molly is great and earnest and did wonders for me. we grew together. i do miss her. she also feels light years away. i don't know what's goin on with her now, nor her with me, and that does worry. for the longest time we knew everything about eachother's lives. i hope all is well. i would have heard if things were not. it's been more than four months since we broke up but.. it feels like so long ago that we were together. do i get an uneasy feeling when my family drives somewhere near her neighborhood to buy coffee or petfood or cds, dvds? yeah. that's about it though. do i feel sad talking about her? nope. sad finding some token of our relationship in a forgotten desk drawer? nope. want to get back together? nope. i did my own thing so much this semester --> felt good. i was ready for it. when i think of molly it is thinking of the past, a good past, and doesn't fit with who i am now or what i plan to do next year, the next ten years, the future at all. i think we'll reconnect and be friends someday, but... i don't think of her romantically anymore and that's.. okay. for the last... hmm.. since 11th grade she was "the one".. that's changed and.. this time i'm lucky --> i need change.
finally my heart is free from achin', my mind is ready to spin at the speed thats needed, it doesnt seem odd to move away from home, or early, or late.
---
heh heh heh. if you got that far, world, if you've read down to here, you can wrench your hair as i paraphrase: all is well. bring on 2005.