Lots on my Mind

Dec 04, 2004 12:15

I've had a lot on my mind today (probably cuz I've had nothing I've had to do and too much time to think) and can't get it off so I figured I'd write about it. So if you don't wanna read pure rambling, don't read this!!!!

I'm 19 and a sophomore in college. I'm a mother but not a mom. I had the chance to be a mom but it wasn't in God's plan. I know that and I also know Eden wasn't supposed to be my daughter in every sense of the word. But, every part of me wants to be a mother. I'm not ready to be a wife (and I know that's why I'm not suppossed to be a mother yet), but I want to be a mother with all my heart. I'm ready to be a mother. I want to have a family. I want to be married too, but I just can't imagine myself married right now. That has nothing to do with Aaron because I love him with all my heart and he's exactly the type of guy that I want to marry, but I just can't see myself married right now.

Maybe that's because if Aaron is the guy, then we have a while til we're able to get married. I mean the other day I was talkin to Leah and suddenly realized that when he graduates college, we'll have known each other 10 1/2 years and been together for 5! I mean I'm gonna be waiting forever for that proposal and a ring. Cuz he doesn't seem like the type of guy that will propose during college...I mean we'll have known each other at least 16 years by the time we get married and have our 5 year anniversary!!! That's longer than a lot of couples!!! I don't know what God has in store for us, but I know Aaron's a huge part of my future because he's always been one of my closest friends, and now the best, and I don't see us losing touch no matter what happens (I could be wrong though so don't quote me on that everyone cuz I have been wrong before).

I know God has perfect timing for everything but it's so frustrating because all I want is to be a mom and a wife and start my own family. I have no desire to be here at school right now. I mean, it's fun...but I really don't care for it a whole lot. I know there's nothing other than teaching or social work I want to do and I can't see myself teaching for the rest of my life and social work has so many opportunities and it might just be because this semester has been only one of my major classes and the rest all seem pretty pointless, but I don't even care about class right now. I go to school because I'm expected to and I don't know what I'd do if I didn't. I'm basically just abiding time until I can graduate, get married, and be a wife and mother. That's my dream. To be the best wife and mother than I can be.

My other thoughts today...missing Aaron and wanting to be at home when my dad has his surgery. If anyone actually read this (boy u just put up with a lot of rambling!!), please keep him in your prayers. He has to have his heart stopped and restarted on Monday. Basically they make him die and then bring him back to life with the paddles. I HATE being 4 hours away when they're doing this. He's had it done before and nothing happened, but I was home then! And there's a chance it might not work and he really could not come back to life and that's scary! I want to be home with him! And Aaron, I hate being this far away from him. I don't care where he goes to school next year because unless he randomly applies to another school, it's definitely going to 2-4 hours closer than we are now! I miss you more than I'll ever be able to tell you darlin!

I've changed a lot since this past June. I was a completely different person. I looked up and saw a pic of Eme and me from England and it's amazing all that I felt spiritually while I was over there! And then, the pic of Kaylee and I at the hospital...wow I was definitely a different person huh Leah? What happened?! I've lost who I am along the way of all the overwhelming things going on with school and just everyday life. I wish I had more time to just be...but that's not the way things are unfortunately. I really need to work on making a schedule and sticking to it. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to be someone people can turn to. I want to be a strong, Christian woman whose heart belongs to God and follows Him every step of the way. I'm sick of losing my way and having to start all over again! I'm going to change all this from here on! Leah...you're reading this I know...you're my witness!!! I love you girl! Thanks for always being such a huge part of my life and supporting me through everything and telling me when things need to be changed. You are a huge role model to me and I look up to you in so many ways (minus height ;)) You're an amazing young woman and I can see God in your life. You are going to make a huge difference in the world as you've already begun. I love ya girl!

aaron, marriage, god

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