[Fic] "A Problem That You'll Understand" -- Homestuck
longroadstonowhere said: prompt: jane and dirk, the little things, one of them helps the other recover from a bad mood? (sorry, less good at the scenario part of things)
Note: Oh look, it's more Alpha Timeline Fluff! And this one is genuinely and incontrovertibly fluffy! (...Pay no attention to Dirk's champion lying-by-implication near the end.) [~1000 words]
[ETA: The slightly revised final version is now up on AO3!]
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A Problem That You'll Understand
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-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --
GG: Dirk, are you busy?
GG: I don't want to be a nuisance, but if you have a few minutes I would deeply appreciate the loan of your ears.
GG: Or your eyes, as the case may be.
GG: Although it suddenly occurs to me that a text-to-speech interface might be very useful for maintaining communication while your hands are engaged in a task that's either too messy or too time-sensitive to constantly interrupt for typing.
GG: Obviously I can use my tiaratop if I want to chat while baking, but I know you and Roxy have Views on Crockercorp products. :B
GG: ...
GG: I conclude from the available evidence that you are, in fact, busy, and what you're doing involves adjustments to your auto-responder.
GG: My apologies for any distraction I may have caused.
GG: I'll stop bothering you for now.
TT: Wait.
GG: Yes?
TT: Thirty seconds.
TT: Ok, all yours. What's wrong?
GG: What makes you assume something is amiss?
GG: Can't a dame simply want to chat with one of her gentleman friends?
TT: Sure she can. But while Holmsian deduction isn't my forte, I can put two and two together to get four.
TT: Something's eating you, and not in the fun way.
TT: Lay it on me, Jane.
TT: I can take it.
GG: *sigh*
GG: I suppose I was a trifle obvious, wasn't I? Which is part and parcel of the problem, in a way.
TT: Oh?
GG: I couldn't casually request a friendly conversation without giving away that I'm upset. Chalk up another link in the cascading chain of petty failures that has been my day.
GG: Ugh.
TT: Ah.
TT: One of those days.
TT: I feel you.
TT: Do you want to enumerate the slings and arrows or just change the subject completely? I'm game either way.
GG: There's nothing much to enumerate, objectively speaking.
GG: I slipped in the shower and cut my elbow on a faucet, the garbage bag broke as I was carrying it outside to the trash can, I accidentally insulted the mail carrier when I tried to wish her a nice afternoon, I dropped my vial of vanilla extract while mixing cookie dough and it shattered, etcetera, etcetera.
GG: And to top it off, I've apparently interrupted you in the middle of a programming session which you are kindly not mentioning.
GG: I just.
GG: Do you ever feel like all your choices are wrong, your life is pointless, and the universe itself is tired of your existence?
TT: ...
TT: I can't say that feeling sounds totally unfamiliar.
TT: I can say that it is, in your case, objectively false.
TT: For instance, you didn't interrupt a programming session.
TT: Full disclosure: you happened to pester me right as I tripped on a tangle of cords and disconnected my entire apartment from the fucking internet.
TT: It was the crowning pratfall on a tower of idiocy that began with accidentally dumping Fanta all over my pants at breakfast because I forgot I'd opened the can before stashing it in my sylladex last night.
GG: Oh dear.
TT: You could say I've been having one of those days myself.
GG: We should found a club.
GG: Ridiculous failures of the earth, unite!
GG: You have nothing to lose but your last remaining scraps of dignity and the pretense of being a competent human!
TT: Hot damn, I'm in.
TT: You're president.
GG: Naturally. And treasurer.
GG: Also secretary.
GG: Actually I will be the entire board of directors.
GG: You can be the shadowy power behind the throne. :B
TT: Nah, I call dibs on security guard at our inevitably disastrous convention.
TT: I'll reprise my amazing ability to trip on air and stab myself with my own sword.
TT: Abracadabra, instant laughingstock.
GG: Don't worry, I'm sure I'll walk into a conveniently placed glass door before anyone has a chance to so much as snicker at you.
TT: Thank fuck for small favors.
GG: Yes, we can bleed to death in embarrassed solidarity.
TT: You'd better not just be saying that, Crocker. Mutual death-from-humiliation pacts are serious business.
TT: Pinky swear?
GG: Cross my heart.
TT: Awesome. And we're already hoping to die; A-plus for efficiency.
TT: Let's hold off on the needle part, though. I'm not feeling very optimistic about our chances of survival until the pact date if we start messing around with one of those.
GG: A wise and judicious decision, indeed.
GG: Oh gosh.
GG: Would you look at that!
GG: It seems we've broken your streak of misfortune and idiocy!
TT: ...
TT: Well fuck.
TT: Does that mean you're gonna kick me out of the ridiculous losers club?
TT: Is our mutual embarrassment pact stillborn?
GG: Oh, Dirk.
GG: My sweet summer child.
GG: Have you learned nothing from your brother? Embarrassment is FOREVER.
TT: Phew.
TT: I'd hate to abandon you right after our touching moment of solidarity.
TT: Also, it seems you've successfully cheered me up after a shitty day, which -- call me crazy -- presumably means we've broken your bad luck marathon as well.
GG: ...
GG: Well I'll be. So we did.
TT: Looks like friendship really is magic.
GG: *narrows eyes*
TT: *blinks innocently*
GG: :B
GG: Thanks for being a pal.
TT: Hey. What else are bros for?
TT: And on that note, I'm gonna execute a subtle and graceful conversational segue into telling you my bro's in Houston this week and it's about dinnertime here in Texas.
TT: I'm sure you can deduce the implications.
TT: You ok till tomorrow or should I check back in a couple hours?
GG: I'll be fine. You go enjoy your brotherly bonding. I know you don't get to spend nearly as much time with him as you'd like.
GG: Until tomorrow, Di-Stri.
GG: *bunp*
TT: *bunp*
-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] --
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Wow, it's been a while since I wrote a pesterlog! I think the character voices are slightly off, but eh. I'll do another editing pass before I stick this up on AO3.
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