[Fic] "Trollstuck," part 31 - Homestuck
back to part 30
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Trollstuck, part 31
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====>Be Equius
Okay! You are now Equius Zahhak. You are down at the floor of the chasm between your own hive and that of Vriska Serket, salvaging what you can of her latest unworkable doomsday device and Jothan Aeolio's rocketbike. You started as far from your neighbor's lusus as possible and are slowly working your way toward the enormous web and its permanent carrion reek.
====>Really?
Yes, really and tr00ly.
====>In what universe does this count as anything other than a waste of time?
In what universe does that count as a reasonable story command?
Here, have a chatlog and stop being a smartass.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --
CG: HEY YOU.
CG: DROP WHATEVER MINDLESS SCUTWORK YOU'RE DOING, GET TO VRISKA'S HIVE, AND SIT ON HER UNTIL SHE AGREES NOT TO KILL ARADIA.
CG: DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.
CG: JUST GO DO SOMETHING USEFUL FOR ONCE IN YOUR SORRY, SWEATY LIFE.
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> You will explain yourself immediately
CG: IN WHAT WAY WAS I REMOTELY UNCLEAR?
CG: VRISKA IS PLANNING TO KILL ARADIA.
CT: D --> That cannot possibly be true
CG: YOU'RE RIGHT, SORRY, MY MISTAKE.
CG: SHE'S PROBABLY MOVED FROM PLAN TO ACTION BY NOW.
CG: HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE A STARSHIP CLASS PSIONIC TO FLY FROM SOLLUX'S HIVE TO ARADIA'S?
CG: THAT'S YOUR TIME LIMIT.
CG: NOW GET OFF YOUR HIGH HOOFBEAST AND FOLLOW MY ORDERS.
CT: D --> No
CG: YES.
CT: D --> No
CG: YES.
CT: D --> No
CG: YES.
CT: D --> No
CG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CT: D --> Your language is reprehensible
CG: ASLDKNH[9P48IYADJFPIWH
CT: D --> My answer is still no
-- centaursTesticle [CT] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
====>...
That is not a valid story command. Please try again.
====>Be Davven
An excellent choice! You are now Davven Kronos (again). It is now daylight (again). You are talking to Terezi via Trollian (again). It is just mind-blowing how these patterns repeat themselves.
We will jump into your conversation in medias res, partly because a reproduction of the text in its entirety would take too much time to write (and draw, in the case of the accompanying shitty illustrations), and partly because, implausible as it may seem, the writer does occasionally pretend to have a sense of pacing.
TG: ( hahahaha, you said it )
TG: ( what is even up with that shit )
GC: 1T 1S H4RD TO S4Y, BUT 1 SUSP3CT TH3 4NSW3R 1S...
GC: 4N OFF1C14L TOP S3RK3T S3CR3T, WHOOPS! >:]
TG: ( oh damn foiled again )
TG: ( welp )
TG: ( guess theres nothing for it then )
TG: ( i will venture bravely forth like a dumbass knight in no armor whatsoever )
TG: ( because fuck armor do you know how expensive that shit is )
TG: ( even the functional stuff not the decorative highblood crap )
GC: Y3S 4ND TH4TS WHY 1 DONT US3 1T 31TH3R, DURR
TG: ( and save aradia )
TG: ( assuming she hasnt already saved herself )
TG: ( i mean that girl plays flarp with you and serket and manages to win half the time even with nitram on her team that aint nobodys idea of a cakewalk )
GC: TRU3! BUT NO ON3 C4N B3 STRONG FOR 4LL TH3 POSS1BL3 T1M3 1N 4LL TH3 POSS1BL3 W4YS
GC: TH4T WOULD JUST B3 STUP1D 4ND CR33PY
GC: SO YOU W1LL S4V3 4R4D14 TON1GHT
GC: 4ND SOM3 OTH3R N1GHT SH3 W1LL S4V3 YOU
TG: ( yo its day where i live stop with the temporal imperialism )
TG: ( think of the starving wigglers in the scarshreds )
GC: BLUH, D4VV3N, BLUH
GC: YOU KNOW 1 4M W33P1NG G3NU1N3 T34RS OF SYMP4TH3T1C D1STR3SS FOR 1M4G1N4RY TROLLS 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW
GC: TH3 MOST 4BSOLUT3 G3NU1N3ST!
GC: 1 SP3ND 4LL MY W4K1NG HOURS B31NG 4 BL33D1NG H34RT
GC: 1T 1S SO UTT3RLY P4TH3T1C HOW COULD 4NY TROLL R3S1ST MY D14MOND LUR3?
TG: ( dead easy )
TG: ( whats the use of a partner who cant guard your back )
TG: ( but seriously t-z how should we play this )
TG: ( do i just blink in and grubnap megido or what )
TG: ( captors a fuckin tac nuke masquerading as a troll )
TG: ( what if serket just flies him over the ocean the wrong way round )
TG: ( races the bleeding edge of sunset to my hive )
TG: ( blows me and ghost girl up while were all cozy and getting our snooze on )
TG: ( cue the wailing and gnashing of teeth )
TG: ( do we have any plan for cutting this shit off at the source is what im saying )
GC: 1 DONT P3RSON4LLY, BUT YOU R3M3MB3R TH4T K4RK4T W4S GO1NG TO TROLL 4LOND3, R1GHT?
GC: TH3YV3 PROB4BLY WORK3D SOM3TH1NG OUT
GC: JUST DO YOUR P4RT 4ND G3T 4R4D14 OUT OF 1MM3D14T3 D4NG3R
GC: 1 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 TH3 R3ST G3TS T4K3N C4R3 OF
TG: ( oh em gee )
TG: ( thats so reassuring wow i dont know why i was ever worried in the first place )
GC: 4WW DONT YOU TRUST M3?
TG: ( with my life )
TG: ( but )
TG: ( you know )
TG: ( this is kinda bigger than just us )
GC: Y34H
GC: 1 KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T YOU M34N
GC: N3V3R F34R, THOUGH! TH3 D3V4ST4T1NG L3G1SL4C3R4TOR PYROP3 1S ON TH3 C4S3
GC: 1N GL4R3 OF D4Y OR D33P OF N1GHT, NO 3V1L SH4LL 3SC4P3 MY S1GHT!
TG: ( big words )
TG: ( show me the money )
GC: 1 WOULDNT DR34M OF T3MPT1ING YOU TH4T W4Y, M1ST3R M4ST3RM1ND >:]
GC: 1NST34D 1 W1LL TROLL K4RK4T TO T3LL H1M YOUR3 ON YOUR W4Y 4ND D1SCOV3R WH4T H3 4ND OUR OTH3R H4T3FR13NDS H4V3 PL4NN3D
GC: 4ND GO ON FROM TH343 4S C1RCUMST4NC3S D1CT4T3
GC: NOW QU1T ST4LL1NG 4ND GO S4V3 4R4D14 YOU DUMB4SS
TG: ( yeah yeah whatever im on it )
GC: 1 KNOW
GC: I WONT W1SH YOU LUCK
GC: W3 BOTH KNOW YOU 4R3 TOO 4W3SOM3 TO N33D 1T
TG: ( same to you dragongirl )
TG: ( catch you later )
GC: S4M3 TO YOU, COOLK1D
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turnwiseGears [TG] --
====>Stop wasting time
That's a really good idea, except whaddaya know, all of a sudden Kanaya's trolling you. You should probably check just to make sure there haven't been dramatic changes in the basic situation since Terezi contacted you -- or to drop her a heads up if nobody else has clued her in yet. Maryam's your troopmate in the whole "wrong continent, always last to know" brigade. You owe her a quickie explanation out of solidarity if nothing else.
-- grimAuxilliatrix [GA] began trolling turnwiseGears [TG] --
GA: Hello Davven
TG: ( hey maryam )
TG: ( this isnt the best time im just about to go dramatically save aradia from dying at the eyeblasts of her mind controlled boy toy )
TG: ( like in one of those shitty romcoms vantas fixates on )
TG: ( unless you have new and exciting info to change my mind of course )
GA: No Not As Such
GA: I Was Merely Trolling You To Inquire Whether Terezi Had Successfully Convinced You To Aid Our Mutual Friend Against Our Other Mutual Friend
TG: ( hey now dont go implying serkets my friend )
TG: ( i resent that innsinuendo )
GA: My Apologies
GA: Against Our Mutual Acquaintance Then If That Terminology Is More Acceptable
TG: ( yeah sure ok )
GA: In Any Case Its Apparent That You Understand The Situation And Are Willing To Help
GA: So I Will Inform Alonde And The Others Of Your Departure
GA: Assuming You Are About To Depart Rather Than Waste More Time Talking To Me That Is
TG: ( wow harsh )
TG: ( but yeah im outie )
TG: ( catch you on the flipside maryam )
TG: ( oh yeah and give alonde a virtual bouquet of super mega awesome kawaii sugar honey blossoms )
TG: ( tell her its a symbol of my undying love )
TG: ( mwah )
-- turnwiseGears [TG] ceased trolling grimAuxilliatrix [GA] --
GA: ...
GA: I Dont Think Ill Ever Understand You Or Alonde Let Alone The Way You Interact
GA: Good Luck With Aradia Sollux And Vriska
GA: I Have A Feeling Youll Need All The Help You Can Get
-- grimAuxilliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turnwiseGears [TG] --
---------------
---------------
---------------
Next section, more Equius Zahhak! Because that's obviously the most important plot thread at this juncture. Yes. There is absolutely no question about that whatsoever. *angelic smile*
Oh yeah, one question: when Davven arrives at Aradia's hive, what activity should he interrupt, and how should she react to his (attempted) explanation of predicted future events? I have a few thoughts but I can totally adjust around reader suggestions.
---------------------------------------------
continue to part 32
If one writing project is not working, why not try the other project that has always been a seat-of-the-pants endeavor? And whaddaya know, it worked! *dusts hands in satisfaction*
And now, bed. Friday night I am training our new hire (NT, tentatively code-named Floppy Paws) in closing procedures, so I should get enough sleep to be in a good mood and not bite his head off over minor episodes of nervousness or whatever. Yes. That is the plan.
You can also read this entry on Dreamwidth, where there are currently (
comments)
---------------------------------------------
Trollstuck, part 31
---------------------------------------------
====>Be Equius
Okay! You are now Equius Zahhak. You are down at the floor of the chasm between your own hive and that of Vriska Serket, salvaging what you can of her latest unworkable doomsday device and Jothan Aeolio's rocketbike. You started as far from your neighbor's lusus as possible and are slowly working your way toward the enormous web and its permanent carrion reek.
====>Really?
Yes, really and tr00ly.
====>In what universe does this count as anything other than a waste of time?
In what universe does that count as a reasonable story command?
Here, have a chatlog and stop being a smartass.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --
CG: HEY YOU.
CG: DROP WHATEVER MINDLESS SCUTWORK YOU'RE DOING, GET TO VRISKA'S HIVE, AND SIT ON HER UNTIL SHE AGREES NOT TO KILL ARADIA.
CG: DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.
CG: JUST GO DO SOMETHING USEFUL FOR ONCE IN YOUR SORRY, SWEATY LIFE.
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> You will explain yourself immediately
CG: IN WHAT WAY WAS I REMOTELY UNCLEAR?
CG: VRISKA IS PLANNING TO KILL ARADIA.
CT: D --> That cannot possibly be true
CG: YOU'RE RIGHT, SORRY, MY MISTAKE.
CG: SHE'S PROBABLY MOVED FROM PLAN TO ACTION BY NOW.
CG: HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE A STARSHIP CLASS PSIONIC TO FLY FROM SOLLUX'S HIVE TO ARADIA'S?
CG: THAT'S YOUR TIME LIMIT.
CG: NOW GET OFF YOUR HIGH HOOFBEAST AND FOLLOW MY ORDERS.
CT: D --> No
CG: YES.
CT: D --> No
CG: YES.
CT: D --> No
CG: YES.
CT: D --> No
CG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CT: D --> Your language is reprehensible
CG: ASLDKNH[9P48IYADJFPIWH
CT: D --> My answer is still no
-- centaursTesticle [CT] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
====>...
That is not a valid story command. Please try again.
====>Be Davven
An excellent choice! You are now Davven Kronos (again). It is now daylight (again). You are talking to Terezi via Trollian (again). It is just mind-blowing how these patterns repeat themselves.
We will jump into your conversation in medias res, partly because a reproduction of the text in its entirety would take too much time to write (and draw, in the case of the accompanying shitty illustrations), and partly because, implausible as it may seem, the writer does occasionally pretend to have a sense of pacing.
TG: ( hahahaha, you said it )
TG: ( what is even up with that shit )
GC: 1T 1S H4RD TO S4Y, BUT 1 SUSP3CT TH3 4NSW3R 1S...
GC: 4N OFF1C14L TOP S3RK3T S3CR3T, WHOOPS! >:]
TG: ( oh damn foiled again )
TG: ( welp )
TG: ( guess theres nothing for it then )
TG: ( i will venture bravely forth like a dumbass knight in no armor whatsoever )
TG: ( because fuck armor do you know how expensive that shit is )
TG: ( even the functional stuff not the decorative highblood crap )
GC: Y3S 4ND TH4TS WHY 1 DONT US3 1T 31TH3R, DURR
TG: ( and save aradia )
TG: ( assuming she hasnt already saved herself )
TG: ( i mean that girl plays flarp with you and serket and manages to win half the time even with nitram on her team that aint nobodys idea of a cakewalk )
GC: TRU3! BUT NO ON3 C4N B3 STRONG FOR 4LL TH3 POSS1BL3 T1M3 1N 4LL TH3 POSS1BL3 W4YS
GC: TH4T WOULD JUST B3 STUP1D 4ND CR33PY
GC: SO YOU W1LL S4V3 4R4D14 TON1GHT
GC: 4ND SOM3 OTH3R N1GHT SH3 W1LL S4V3 YOU
TG: ( yo its day where i live stop with the temporal imperialism )
TG: ( think of the starving wigglers in the scarshreds )
GC: BLUH, D4VV3N, BLUH
GC: YOU KNOW 1 4M W33P1NG G3NU1N3 T34RS OF SYMP4TH3T1C D1STR3SS FOR 1M4G1N4RY TROLLS 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW
GC: TH3 MOST 4BSOLUT3 G3NU1N3ST!
GC: 1 SP3ND 4LL MY W4K1NG HOURS B31NG 4 BL33D1NG H34RT
GC: 1T 1S SO UTT3RLY P4TH3T1C HOW COULD 4NY TROLL R3S1ST MY D14MOND LUR3?
TG: ( dead easy )
TG: ( whats the use of a partner who cant guard your back )
TG: ( but seriously t-z how should we play this )
TG: ( do i just blink in and grubnap megido or what )
TG: ( captors a fuckin tac nuke masquerading as a troll )
TG: ( what if serket just flies him over the ocean the wrong way round )
TG: ( races the bleeding edge of sunset to my hive )
TG: ( blows me and ghost girl up while were all cozy and getting our snooze on )
TG: ( cue the wailing and gnashing of teeth )
TG: ( do we have any plan for cutting this shit off at the source is what im saying )
GC: 1 DONT P3RSON4LLY, BUT YOU R3M3MB3R TH4T K4RK4T W4S GO1NG TO TROLL 4LOND3, R1GHT?
GC: TH3YV3 PROB4BLY WORK3D SOM3TH1NG OUT
GC: JUST DO YOUR P4RT 4ND G3T 4R4D14 OUT OF 1MM3D14T3 D4NG3R
GC: 1 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 TH3 R3ST G3TS T4K3N C4R3 OF
TG: ( oh em gee )
TG: ( thats so reassuring wow i dont know why i was ever worried in the first place )
GC: 4WW DONT YOU TRUST M3?
TG: ( with my life )
TG: ( but )
TG: ( you know )
TG: ( this is kinda bigger than just us )
GC: Y34H
GC: 1 KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T YOU M34N
GC: N3V3R F34R, THOUGH! TH3 D3V4ST4T1NG L3G1SL4C3R4TOR PYROP3 1S ON TH3 C4S3
GC: 1N GL4R3 OF D4Y OR D33P OF N1GHT, NO 3V1L SH4LL 3SC4P3 MY S1GHT!
TG: ( big words )
TG: ( show me the money )
GC: 1 WOULDNT DR34M OF T3MPT1ING YOU TH4T W4Y, M1ST3R M4ST3RM1ND >:]
GC: 1NST34D 1 W1LL TROLL K4RK4T TO T3LL H1M YOUR3 ON YOUR W4Y 4ND D1SCOV3R WH4T H3 4ND OUR OTH3R H4T3FR13NDS H4V3 PL4NN3D
GC: 4ND GO ON FROM TH343 4S C1RCUMST4NC3S D1CT4T3
GC: NOW QU1T ST4LL1NG 4ND GO S4V3 4R4D14 YOU DUMB4SS
TG: ( yeah yeah whatever im on it )
GC: 1 KNOW
GC: I WONT W1SH YOU LUCK
GC: W3 BOTH KNOW YOU 4R3 TOO 4W3SOM3 TO N33D 1T
TG: ( same to you dragongirl )
TG: ( catch you later )
GC: S4M3 TO YOU, COOLK1D
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turnwiseGears [TG] --
====>Stop wasting time
That's a really good idea, except whaddaya know, all of a sudden Kanaya's trolling you. You should probably check just to make sure there haven't been dramatic changes in the basic situation since Terezi contacted you -- or to drop her a heads up if nobody else has clued her in yet. Maryam's your troopmate in the whole "wrong continent, always last to know" brigade. You owe her a quickie explanation out of solidarity if nothing else.
-- grimAuxilliatrix [GA] began trolling turnwiseGears [TG] --
GA: Hello Davven
TG: ( hey maryam )
TG: ( this isnt the best time im just about to go dramatically save aradia from dying at the eyeblasts of her mind controlled boy toy )
TG: ( like in one of those shitty romcoms vantas fixates on )
TG: ( unless you have new and exciting info to change my mind of course )
GA: No Not As Such
GA: I Was Merely Trolling You To Inquire Whether Terezi Had Successfully Convinced You To Aid Our Mutual Friend Against Our Other Mutual Friend
TG: ( hey now dont go implying serkets my friend )
TG: ( i resent that innsinuendo )
GA: My Apologies
GA: Against Our Mutual Acquaintance Then If That Terminology Is More Acceptable
TG: ( yeah sure ok )
GA: In Any Case Its Apparent That You Understand The Situation And Are Willing To Help
GA: So I Will Inform Alonde And The Others Of Your Departure
GA: Assuming You Are About To Depart Rather Than Waste More Time Talking To Me That Is
TG: ( wow harsh )
TG: ( but yeah im outie )
TG: ( catch you on the flipside maryam )
TG: ( oh yeah and give alonde a virtual bouquet of super mega awesome kawaii sugar honey blossoms )
TG: ( tell her its a symbol of my undying love )
TG: ( mwah )
-- turnwiseGears [TG] ceased trolling grimAuxilliatrix [GA] --
GA: ...
GA: I Dont Think Ill Ever Understand You Or Alonde Let Alone The Way You Interact
GA: Good Luck With Aradia Sollux And Vriska
GA: I Have A Feeling Youll Need All The Help You Can Get
-- grimAuxilliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turnwiseGears [TG] --
---------------
---------------
---------------
Next section, more Equius Zahhak! Because that's obviously the most important plot thread at this juncture. Yes. There is absolutely no question about that whatsoever. *angelic smile*
Oh yeah, one question: when Davven arrives at Aradia's hive, what activity should he interrupt, and how should she react to his (attempted) explanation of predicted future events? I have a few thoughts but I can totally adjust around reader suggestions.
---------------------------------------------
continue to part 32
If one writing project is not working, why not try the other project that has always been a seat-of-the-pants endeavor? And whaddaya know, it worked! *dusts hands in satisfaction*
And now, bed. Friday night I am training our new hire (NT, tentatively code-named Floppy Paws) in closing procedures, so I should get enough sleep to be in a good mood and not bite his head off over minor episodes of nervousness or whatever. Yes. That is the plan.
You can also read this entry on Dreamwidth, where there are currently (
comments)