Dear friends...the public letter that will never be public.
My dearest friends,
I wasn't going to write this. I don't like posting things like this. But there are a few of you who have been noticing and not understanding some things happening in my life. There are many people in my life dealing with much worse, and I don't pretend to even compare. This is simply how things are for me. So here goes...
I am sick. Not in the virus you get over in a couple of days kind of way, but in the chronic illness, never goes away kind of way. My family and I have spent the last year or so since my official diagnosis coming to terms with what it means for us. The primary things we have been struggling with are my back pain, my dry eyes, and my chronic fatigue. Some adjustments to my life, exercises, and regular trips to the chiropracter have helped us sort through my back pain. Only about three weeks ago did we get to a place where it's relatively manageable.
I have been seeing my eye doctor frequently through the year, also trying to get my eyes to a manageable place. Right now, I'm using three different kinds of drops, and have sometimes found myself using four and five. I'm a good candidate for other, more extreme kinds of treatment. However, as they are not covered by Alberta Health, they are very expensive. This isn't even attempting to care for my dry mouth. That has unfortunately taken a back seat to the other three issues.
Finally, my fatigue. I can't possibly explain the fatigue to people who don't have it. And the people who do have it just know. But this is where many of you are noticing things. I promise you, I'm not disinterested. It's not that I don't want to see you or talk to you. It's that I'm tired. Navigating two wonderful, energetic kids, taking care of myself, and still having something left over for my husband is a challenge a lot of the time. My energy levels seem to go in waves. I'll have a month or two where I feel good. I can get things done, go on adventures with my kids, be social regularly, and still feel good. Then, I'll find myself too tired to do much more than care for my kids. They get everything I have, and there's nothing left, even for myself. It has very little to do with how much sleep I get, although that is desperately important. It may be influenced by seasons, stress, or how busy things have been. Or it's random, without reason. This heat, for example, has taken everything I have. It's hard on my body, as part of my illness is difficulty regulating body temperature. Extreme heat and extreme cold are hard on me.
So, if you want to plan something and I appear reluctant, I apologise. It's not a lack of interest, but rather a need to consider what my energy levels might be and how best to spend them. But on the other hand, please don't stop asking. You know I love socializing. I just have to be careful when my energy levels are more limited. And that may look like you coming to me, or postponing to another day, or simply finding an easy activity that doesn't take a lot. And please remember, I still love you very much. My body's limits don't speak for my mind and heart. ❤️