NCIS: If He Could
Fandom: NCIS
Main characters: Tony, Gibbs
Referenced characters: N/a
Pairings: Gibbs/Tony
Contains: Angst, AU, genderswitch
Rating: PG
Summary: There are a few things in Tony's life that she can always be absolutely sure of. Most of them involve Gibbs.
Notes: Another one of the various versions of Tony-was-always-a-cis-woman.
She's not the first, and she won't be last, not with Gibbs. She knows that; she doesn't care, not yet. She will care someday, she knows. She coaxed him home with her tonight, though, so at least there's no ghosts in the room. She's listening to his heart beating, strong and steady and constant, and she is not thinking of the day when he'll eventually give it up with her. She's not thinking of it, she's not.
Tony's good at self-deception. She kids herself that she's not hopelessly in love with him, she kids herself that she stays at NCIS for any other reason. She kids herself that she couldn't work under anyone else, that she couldn't handle her own team.
She can't kid herself into believing that he loves her, though. She's carefully avoided the words, with him: she tells him she loves him by avoiding him when he needs it, turning up like a bad penny when he needs that instead. She tells him she loves him by letting him in, so deep into her that when he wants to go he'll tear half of her away with him. She tells him she loves him by sticking this out, when she knows he's dreaming of another woman as he lies in her bed.
The worst part is, he doesn't mean to hurt her. She's not kidding herself when she tells herself that he'd love her if he could.
This was originally posted here, on Dreamwidth. I would prefer people to comment and subscribe to me there, if you already have an account; I'll happily share Dreamwidth invites, if you want to make an account. Comments aren't disabled here on LJ, though.
Main characters: Tony, Gibbs
Referenced characters: N/a
Pairings: Gibbs/Tony
Contains: Angst, AU, genderswitch
Rating: PG
Summary: There are a few things in Tony's life that she can always be absolutely sure of. Most of them involve Gibbs.
Notes: Another one of the various versions of Tony-was-always-a-cis-woman.
She's not the first, and she won't be last, not with Gibbs. She knows that; she doesn't care, not yet. She will care someday, she knows. She coaxed him home with her tonight, though, so at least there's no ghosts in the room. She's listening to his heart beating, strong and steady and constant, and she is not thinking of the day when he'll eventually give it up with her. She's not thinking of it, she's not.
Tony's good at self-deception. She kids herself that she's not hopelessly in love with him, she kids herself that she stays at NCIS for any other reason. She kids herself that she couldn't work under anyone else, that she couldn't handle her own team.
She can't kid herself into believing that he loves her, though. She's carefully avoided the words, with him: she tells him she loves him by avoiding him when he needs it, turning up like a bad penny when he needs that instead. She tells him she loves him by letting him in, so deep into her that when he wants to go he'll tear half of her away with him. She tells him she loves him by sticking this out, when she knows he's dreaming of another woman as he lies in her bed.
The worst part is, he doesn't mean to hurt her. She's not kidding herself when she tells herself that he'd love her if he could.
This was originally posted here, on Dreamwidth. I would prefer people to comment and subscribe to me there, if you already have an account; I'll happily share Dreamwidth invites, if you want to make an account. Comments aren't disabled here on LJ, though.