Oh, God, It Feels Like Forever...
God, I don't even know where to start.
Lately I've been in a really bad mood all the time. I think I may be depressed, at least somewhat. I'm angry at everything, at random times, for no reason. I'm never really happy anymore. I pretend to be, sometimes I think I am, but in the back of my mind there's always some nagging worry or doubt or feeling of sadness. People keep asking me what's wrong. I hear it at work several times a day. "What's wrong with you, Eddie?" And I never know what to say. All I can come up with is, "I'm tired," or, "I want to go home," or something equally as vague. The truth is I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything feels so shitty now. I'm not happy. I feel like I'm not doing anything.
Around this time last month I was ecstatic. I went on a six hundred mile trip and spent a couple hundred dollars to meet someone that was(and, in a way, still is) important to me. She was my own fairy tale. With all the odds that were against us ever finding each other, she actually found me. Then we didn't talk for months. Then I found her again. As odd as it sounds, I wanted to fall in love with her. I could have. But she's so different than when we were first talking. She's a drug addict. She's childish and bitter. She's everything I can't stand, and it took a couple months of building and building before it all finally exploded. We're not talking anymore. I cut off all contact a couple weeks ago, I think. I blocked her on AIM, deleted her off my friends list here, deleted her number out of my phone. I still care about her, I don't know why, but I do, but I can't let her keep putting me through the feelings I was going through before. Everything was up and down. One conversation made me feel like I owned the world--and the next made me want to curl up into a ball and make the world forget I exist. We fought so much the last few weeks we talked. Before I went to see her, she wanted to come visit me over her semester break. Then after I got home, she decided she didn't, because she said she cared about me too much. But she doesn't want a real relationship and she doesn't want to hurt me(too late). She wants someone to get high and make out with, and fall in love gradually during that(is that really love?). That didn't stop her from keeping my hopes up, though. I feel so led on(again). I am so stupid. I keep wondering if she even still thinks about me as much as I still think about her, or if she thinks about me at all. I can't imagine her actually being upset about everything--it's much more logical to assume she went out with her "friends" that night, got fucked up, hooked up with someone, and at least acted like the didn't care. I wonder if she'll ever read this(I only make song lyrics friends only, so some asshole doesn't steal my stuff--all other blogs are open. Why post them if you don't want them read?). Sometimes I wonder if I should just be like everyone else, and give up on ever having a real, meaningful, stable relationship.
I really, really hate my job now. And I'm not sure why. I'm finally in a position where I have some sense of job security, but I'm not secure at all. We keep getting new people that make me want to murder them. I keep getting angry at the people I work with. I like all of them(most of the time). I dislike the way some of them act at work, but personally I don't have any problems with anyone. I still feel like I'm Hollywood Video's bitch, and I don't like it. I don't like depending on that one store for my financial stability. I wish I could find another job I can be comfortable with, and work at Hollywood part time. I think I would probably like it there at lot more if I did. Like I already mentioned, some of them keep asking what's wrong with me. I wish I knew. I get so tired when I go to work, even though I've only been up a couple of hours(being sick last week fucked up my sleep schedule--I didn't get up until almost 3:30 this afternoon). And as soon as I leave, I'm not tired anymore. So I come home and watch Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Law and Order: SVU and wallow in my self-pity until I get tired.
I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I used to be so ambitious with myself. I wanted to be a singer, a dancer, an actor, a wrestler, a writer, a director, an entertainer. I deluded myself with thoughts of, "well, pretty soon I'll be doing this." Now I don't even have that. I still have daydreams of being in a ring or on a stage, but I don't believe them like I used to. I don't believe in myself like I used to. I have no band possibilities. I have no wrestling possibilities, and I think I've successfully pissed off just about everyone I've met in the wrestling business, even though I think very highly of most of them. I feel like I'm a very talented person, and I'm talented at a lot of things, as arrogant as that make me sound(trust me, I'm not feeling too arrogant lately), but I don't have any opportunity.
I'm so disillusioned with the world. I hate people, but I've only ever wanted to be an entertainer and/or do good in the world. People are morons, but one person is a treasure. Mobs and masses get people killed, one person can change the world. But lately, the masses and mobs have been ruling everything, and none of it makes any sense. Do people think about what and who they vote for before they do? I don't see how. I don't see how a lot of people sleep at night. There is evil in the world, and right now it's winning. I know this part is off-topic, but I'm just going with my own thoughts here.
I feel like everyone I hate is moving on with their lives, forgotten about me, and going on with using people for their own desires. I hate seeing people that I hate come where I work and look so happy, while I'm so fucking miserable.
I turn 20 in 16 days. I hate my birthday. Nothing ever goes well. The last couple of years or so I've gone out with a girl on my birthday, and nothing ever comes of it. I think my birthday is cursed. And I feel so old. Not just physically old, though I'm convinced my body is falling apart, but emotionally and mentally old. I don't know how much more disappointment I can take. I don't know how much love I have left in me. I feel like all of the love I have will be worn out by people who don't deserve it and hurt me, and hate will be all that's left. I'll be filled with nothing but anger, and when I find someone who deserves the love, I won't have any left to give. What kind of way is that to live?
I feel so alone.
<3 Eddie
Lately I've been in a really bad mood all the time. I think I may be depressed, at least somewhat. I'm angry at everything, at random times, for no reason. I'm never really happy anymore. I pretend to be, sometimes I think I am, but in the back of my mind there's always some nagging worry or doubt or feeling of sadness. People keep asking me what's wrong. I hear it at work several times a day. "What's wrong with you, Eddie?" And I never know what to say. All I can come up with is, "I'm tired," or, "I want to go home," or something equally as vague. The truth is I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything feels so shitty now. I'm not happy. I feel like I'm not doing anything.
Around this time last month I was ecstatic. I went on a six hundred mile trip and spent a couple hundred dollars to meet someone that was(and, in a way, still is) important to me. She was my own fairy tale. With all the odds that were against us ever finding each other, she actually found me. Then we didn't talk for months. Then I found her again. As odd as it sounds, I wanted to fall in love with her. I could have. But she's so different than when we were first talking. She's a drug addict. She's childish and bitter. She's everything I can't stand, and it took a couple months of building and building before it all finally exploded. We're not talking anymore. I cut off all contact a couple weeks ago, I think. I blocked her on AIM, deleted her off my friends list here, deleted her number out of my phone. I still care about her, I don't know why, but I do, but I can't let her keep putting me through the feelings I was going through before. Everything was up and down. One conversation made me feel like I owned the world--and the next made me want to curl up into a ball and make the world forget I exist. We fought so much the last few weeks we talked. Before I went to see her, she wanted to come visit me over her semester break. Then after I got home, she decided she didn't, because she said she cared about me too much. But she doesn't want a real relationship and she doesn't want to hurt me(too late). She wants someone to get high and make out with, and fall in love gradually during that(is that really love?). That didn't stop her from keeping my hopes up, though. I feel so led on(again). I am so stupid. I keep wondering if she even still thinks about me as much as I still think about her, or if she thinks about me at all. I can't imagine her actually being upset about everything--it's much more logical to assume she went out with her "friends" that night, got fucked up, hooked up with someone, and at least acted like the didn't care. I wonder if she'll ever read this(I only make song lyrics friends only, so some asshole doesn't steal my stuff--all other blogs are open. Why post them if you don't want them read?). Sometimes I wonder if I should just be like everyone else, and give up on ever having a real, meaningful, stable relationship.
I really, really hate my job now. And I'm not sure why. I'm finally in a position where I have some sense of job security, but I'm not secure at all. We keep getting new people that make me want to murder them. I keep getting angry at the people I work with. I like all of them(most of the time). I dislike the way some of them act at work, but personally I don't have any problems with anyone. I still feel like I'm Hollywood Video's bitch, and I don't like it. I don't like depending on that one store for my financial stability. I wish I could find another job I can be comfortable with, and work at Hollywood part time. I think I would probably like it there at lot more if I did. Like I already mentioned, some of them keep asking what's wrong with me. I wish I knew. I get so tired when I go to work, even though I've only been up a couple of hours(being sick last week fucked up my sleep schedule--I didn't get up until almost 3:30 this afternoon). And as soon as I leave, I'm not tired anymore. So I come home and watch Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Law and Order: SVU and wallow in my self-pity until I get tired.
I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I used to be so ambitious with myself. I wanted to be a singer, a dancer, an actor, a wrestler, a writer, a director, an entertainer. I deluded myself with thoughts of, "well, pretty soon I'll be doing this." Now I don't even have that. I still have daydreams of being in a ring or on a stage, but I don't believe them like I used to. I don't believe in myself like I used to. I have no band possibilities. I have no wrestling possibilities, and I think I've successfully pissed off just about everyone I've met in the wrestling business, even though I think very highly of most of them. I feel like I'm a very talented person, and I'm talented at a lot of things, as arrogant as that make me sound(trust me, I'm not feeling too arrogant lately), but I don't have any opportunity.
I'm so disillusioned with the world. I hate people, but I've only ever wanted to be an entertainer and/or do good in the world. People are morons, but one person is a treasure. Mobs and masses get people killed, one person can change the world. But lately, the masses and mobs have been ruling everything, and none of it makes any sense. Do people think about what and who they vote for before they do? I don't see how. I don't see how a lot of people sleep at night. There is evil in the world, and right now it's winning. I know this part is off-topic, but I'm just going with my own thoughts here.
I feel like everyone I hate is moving on with their lives, forgotten about me, and going on with using people for their own desires. I hate seeing people that I hate come where I work and look so happy, while I'm so fucking miserable.
I turn 20 in 16 days. I hate my birthday. Nothing ever goes well. The last couple of years or so I've gone out with a girl on my birthday, and nothing ever comes of it. I think my birthday is cursed. And I feel so old. Not just physically old, though I'm convinced my body is falling apart, but emotionally and mentally old. I don't know how much more disappointment I can take. I don't know how much love I have left in me. I feel like all of the love I have will be worn out by people who don't deserve it and hurt me, and hate will be all that's left. I'll be filled with nothing but anger, and when I find someone who deserves the love, I won't have any left to give. What kind of way is that to live?
I feel so alone.
<3 Eddie