help with self diagnosis
First of all, I hope I've understood everything alright and this post is allowed to be here. If not, please let me know and I'll remove it, or please message me privately - I could really use some help.
The thing is, I've never been sure as to whether my issue is an eating disorder, or disordered eating. For the longest time, I thought that it might ( Read more... )
I don't want to alarm you, but personally, I would say that it is not helpful to think that EDNOS is less severe than more well-defined eating disorders. EDNOS differs only because it does not fit nicely into the three distinct categories - it does not indicate severity. I have long believed that EDs need to be better-defined. For instance, a person with completely anorexic behaviour is only dubbed anorexic if their weight gets below a certain point. That is an issue, because weight is a very genetic thing and there is such a thing as clinically obese anorexics. Those anorexics are also classified as having EDNOS, even though, in my opinion, they are anorexics. Having said that, some people's EDs are more severe than others, and I have certainly heard of worse cases than yours.
That's not to say that you should not deal with this. Regardless of how mild a condition is, if it is stopping you from having as fulfilling a life as possible, it should be dealt with. It's not pathetic at all. EDs are mental disorders above anything else, and mental disorders are very, very difficult - even mild ones.
That is an interesting theory, about the modelling potential thing. It sounds as though your brain is mixing messages in your head and making you confused, and it comes largely from the fact that we are all our own worst critics. People told you that you are model potential and you keep that idea in your head, while thinking to yourself "me? surely not."
For what it's worth, models come in all shapes and sizes these days. Granted if you're 5'4", apple-shaped and weigh 100-odd-kg like me you have less options than if you're taller and more hourglass-y, but there are options out there and there should be more, because catalogue models are needed more in these days of online shopping to act as a remote-distance mannequin for people to work out how the clothes will fit on them, rather than as a body that makes the clothes look as appealing as possible. Regardless, maybe you should think about modelling. Alternatively, seek out pictures of models who aren't your typical beanpole types. There are many.
In terms of overcoming these obsessions... yeah, I absolutely think it is possible. In many ways these things don't ever truly go away, but they can absolutely be managed to the extent where they might as well not be there. It's like someone with a severe allergy always having an epi-pen on them. Apart from the occasional problem, largely their condition is completely manageable. And if you want a more relevant example, from when I was about 14 until about a year ago (so when I was 22) my eating was all over the place. But now it seems to have, mostly, calmed right down. I still get little lapses, but compared to how it was I'm doing much, much better. So, yes, these things can be overcome. Have faith. :)
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I hope things on your end have been getting better though - the mental health problems you mentioned - I can definitely understand how far from fun then can be.
Thanks, by the way, for not laughing at me about the modelling theory. That might be part of why I've never wanted to admit that that could be playing a large part in my mental state: being sneered at. Unfortunately, despite knowing full well that there are models out there of all shapes and sizes, it's in my head that I have to be one of those ones that you wrote out as being used to makes clothes look as appealing as possible. I'm not wholly sure why, and honestly, with the state of my head at this moment, I can't think on it much, but that much I know. Maybe it just stems from the perfectionism I developed at a young age.
I've tried to avoid television because of how often I compared myself to the women on it, casting aside the ones that, though beautiful, weren't the type that I associate most people as finding appealing and instead hounded for the ones that were and then compared myself to them inch by inch. Unfortunately, I live at home with family, and I can't always avoid it, and that my sister loves show like America's Next Top Model doesn't help as those then wind up being what's on screen when I pass through the living room.
I hate my discovery of tumblr and it's uses as well. I've spent far too much time depressing on everything there. It's like no matter what I do, I can't escape it, not only because of the large influence every form of media has on the world nowadays, but I think I've simply mastered the art of self-sabotage. Because I can't seem to get better, I 'decide' to make myself worse. It's like a perverse way of avoiding failure or something. Instead of trying and crashing and burning like I always have, just keep myself as beat down as possible so that small victory's will seem okay but the larger ones will remain firmly out of reach - if i can't reach for them, I can't try and fail...does that make its twisted sense?
As for dealing with obsession...my recent seeming break from them and relapse right back into it is unfortunately making it hard for me to believe that they can be pushed away in a corner to only be dealt with now and again. Maybe the obsession from the perfectionism that I mentioned before snowballed into the obsessions I have now, which means that its something I was born with and after this many years of having it...the chances of controlling it seem slim to none...
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