things that I am that I have trouble seeing
I am weak, I am jealous, I am envious, my motives are impure and often not known to myself. I am conceited, I am often callous, judgemental, and not compassionate. I would like to have a romantic relationship for the first time in my life but I am probably afraid of having one. I lately have been feeling very weird when I'm alone. Other people fill me up in ways that I can't do myself. I want the attention that other people get for myself. I am demanding. The idea of a functional relationship, or even someone that I really like, seems like a fantasy. I want to be home, around my old friends, but that's desire too. I am here and I will be here for most of, at very least, [the vast majority of] the next few years. Eight, if not nine or ten, months a year. What is home? My friends here are really wonderful, but there are nights when I don't want to do anything-- but then I'm with people, and that fills me up, but is that a good thing necessarily? That I am basically only complete in relation to other people? Is that avoidable? Many people, most people, are out of my reach, and all I know of them are my distant views anyway. There are people who I feel open up to me totally, but in a way I am still viewing them from a distance even if I'm holding them. And they're spread out across the country, and I'm not around them very often (though I can't complain about that because it makes seeing them very valuable and it's not like I miss people, because I usually don't).
I got the new course book today and I'm consciously trying to pick classes that will get me to think more. Right now I'm in animation, comic 2, photography, modern art history, and children's lit. While they're definitely all great, there are many ways in which I'm not being challenged in them. I am most in photography -- it's something newish to me, we're constantly asked to be making sure that what we're doing is valid and we need to back it up, and I work really hard at it. None of my classes are really making me think in the way that say, Kinji's did, or John Gaunt's. and I need to be smarter to make my work stronger, and to be constantly improving myself and learning, and to be a better person and figure things out about myself (see above). I'll be taking a class with Ruth Voights about different kinds of looking at personalities (through Freud, Jung, others' methods) and applying them, which I'm looking forward to. I just want to get a different perspective than I've been getting, and be thinking about different things than just aesthetics and whether something's working or not (which I'm working on/need to be working on constantly as well, believe you me). I'm also taking drawing (required), hopefully with Elizabeth Erickson, who really pushes idiom and the personal stuff. and Terry Beatty's figure in perspective class, which I and all other cartoonists need need need. (I'm also excited to finally meet this bitter, smart, funny middle-aged inker for the animated Batman comics.) I'm looking at some workshops - visual journals, making websites, and everyday choices (having to do with sustainability) - because time to breathe would be Yes (I'll still be with my internship at La Mano next semester), and again, a bunch of different subjects (and I neeeed web design, since I'll be self-publishing). and I'm looking at a bunch of BS/Vis classes. unfortunately, Ethics and Aesthetics conflicts with Ruth's class. but Teaching and Learning (which is a night class, which I hate the idea of) and Reading for Ideas I'm also looking at.
yikes. I did a lot of talking about myself. I'm done.
Xiu Xiu tomorrow with Toby and Kelly.
might listen to Xiu Xiu and play Sonic.
speaking of which,
SO fucking good.
I got the new course book today and I'm consciously trying to pick classes that will get me to think more. Right now I'm in animation, comic 2, photography, modern art history, and children's lit. While they're definitely all great, there are many ways in which I'm not being challenged in them. I am most in photography -- it's something newish to me, we're constantly asked to be making sure that what we're doing is valid and we need to back it up, and I work really hard at it. None of my classes are really making me think in the way that say, Kinji's did, or John Gaunt's. and I need to be smarter to make my work stronger, and to be constantly improving myself and learning, and to be a better person and figure things out about myself (see above). I'll be taking a class with Ruth Voights about different kinds of looking at personalities (through Freud, Jung, others' methods) and applying them, which I'm looking forward to. I just want to get a different perspective than I've been getting, and be thinking about different things than just aesthetics and whether something's working or not (which I'm working on/need to be working on constantly as well, believe you me). I'm also taking drawing (required), hopefully with Elizabeth Erickson, who really pushes idiom and the personal stuff. and Terry Beatty's figure in perspective class, which I and all other cartoonists need need need. (I'm also excited to finally meet this bitter, smart, funny middle-aged inker for the animated Batman comics.) I'm looking at some workshops - visual journals, making websites, and everyday choices (having to do with sustainability) - because time to breathe would be Yes (I'll still be with my internship at La Mano next semester), and again, a bunch of different subjects (and I neeeed web design, since I'll be self-publishing). and I'm looking at a bunch of BS/Vis classes. unfortunately, Ethics and Aesthetics conflicts with Ruth's class. but Teaching and Learning (which is a night class, which I hate the idea of) and Reading for Ideas I'm also looking at.
yikes. I did a lot of talking about myself. I'm done.
Xiu Xiu tomorrow with Toby and Kelly.
might listen to Xiu Xiu and play Sonic.
speaking of which,
SO fucking good.