Open letter to a certain someone...
(I was given some advice to try and vent out the things I've been holding back to try to clear the air for future dealings with my ex-girlfriend. I'm really trying to be friends, because it seems like that's something she mentioned, and I don't want things to be awkward...I'd rather be able to meet her eyes in public and not feel like running away...or throwing stuff.)
I'll make this as easy as I can make it. I believe that you were using me for a stepping stone, to get the whole virginity thing out of the way and get past the "never had a boyfriend" awkwardness so that you could land a guy you'll actually want to stay with. You strung me along, basically letting me get caught up in this romantic whirlwind, letting me do everything I could, not to mention *spend* all I could to make you happy, and mirroring all of the affection back to me to make me feel like we were in an equal partnership. I think the only reason you can't "figure it out" is because you're trying to think of only yourself...again...and you want to believe that you're too good to use a person for such petty means. You're not on the receiving end, you don't really know how it feels to feel treated this way, and you're a bitch for even letting it seem that way, if you supposedly care about me.
You've got a new boyfriend, who you've known longer than you knew me, you've spent more time with him at your school. Don't give me bullshit about how you never really talked to him a lot, or didn't hang out that much, it was enough for him to apparently harbor this humongous crush on you for three or four years and leap at the chance to ask you out less than a month after you dumped the speed bump in his way. The way you related the event to me, "he asked me out and I was like 'eh, okei.'" Real sincere and heartfelt, clearly you had no hangups about me lingering in your mind, more than likely because you'd left most of what you felt for me (if there was ever anything, which seems unlikely at this point now) behind quite some time ago. Also clearly, you were at least not reluctant, if not eager, to jump back into a relationship, especially when the guy has a car, more money than I ever did, and clearly has things going well for him in school and a job in the military when he's graduated. Obviously it's pretty tempting, because you're following right on his tail and joining the force, too. You act like it's just for freshman year to help cover it until you get the rest of your tenure sorted out, but I think you know that you'll get yourself dug in too deep, make too many friendships you want to stay close to, enjoy the extra time you get to spend with your boyfriend, and you'll get stuck. You'll hate it, you'll complain about the strict instructors, the physical fitness routines, but you'll be stuck.
Speaking of all the time you'll have with your new boyfriend, you're clearly more than capable of putting out for him. You make out with almost complete strangers that you don't even really like, just because you feel like acting drunk after a part of one drink. Claiming afterwards that you wished it were with me, which I always contested, as you'll recall, because it was, and is, a very unbelievable excuse. That sort of thing just makes me feel even more confident that you're willing to go all the way with the new old guy. Even your mom seems willing to accommodate you guys in whatever you want to do, so there's nothing, not her, not your lack of experience (I gave you *plenty* of experience, and you know it), and clearly not any emotional baggage. I wouldn't be surprised, rather I'm really pretty sure that you have already had at least some sex with him, and I hope that you continue to do so, and compare him to me, and realize that he'll never get your first, and he'll never be as good as I was. I honestly feel like there are almost no guys who care more about making girls happy than I do, and if you need proof after all this time, I have no clue why I should talk to you ever again. I know that it's one of the most base, petty sentiments I could have, but I feel upset enough at you that rubbing in the fact that there's no way your new guy will compare, unless you conveniently ignore everything about me the way you'd ignored our relationship the last few...months? A whole year? I won't ever know, because you've blocked so much of "us" out of your mind that you probably don't even know how long you were pretending yourself.
So we come to the biggest smoldering figurative cinder I have left from our metaphorical fire. I can't trust you. I have absolutely no reason to assume anything you say is true, or that any minor little tiny remote cousin of a commitment you make will be kept. You accepted a proposal from me, then rejected it because you felt like you were too young, then we agreed to wait for each other to be prepared, then you accepted a long-term commitment, for at least until we could live together, then you took a huge steaming dump on that, too. I can only assume that at the time you were just saying what you thought I wanted to hear, to get more of whatever satisfaction you could squeeze from me. But that was what I wanted to hear, it's what I wanted to live, with the person I thought you were. But clearly, you were keeping the real who-you-were to yourself, and continuing to lead me on with falsehoods and lipservice, until you couldn't keep the lies going any longer, and clearly it worked for as long as it did because I was too stupid to pick up on it. So, you're basically, in my mind as it is now, a conniving, two-faced, manipulative, untrustworthy, bitch.
I'm not happy for saying any of this. I do, however, feel much better for doing so. Maybe I'm just reacting to the remnants of hurt and anger that were left over from you dumping me like so much bulldozer refuse, then finding out that you were with someone new and that he was practically already accepted into your family, while you never let me get that close. Maybe I'm just venting because you've dragged out any sort of solid explanation beyond the "I didn't feel right being with you anymore, and I've been lying to you for at least months." Maybe I'm just doing it for closure, to cauterize wounds so that fresh growth can occur. After all this, which I may or may not still feel is relevant in the future, or I might just bury it deep enough to ignore it, but after all this, if you still feel like it's worth being friends, then you're welcome to continue. I just thought you needed to know the things I've been trying not to say, so that there would be nothing between us on my part anymore. I welcome any retorts, rebuttals, or return fire from you, anything you have that you've been holding back. Give me hell, or whatever. Just don't keep this shit of "I'm not sure, I'm not ready" going any longer. Even if you're not ready right this moment, nothing is going to come together if you let things stagnate waiting for it to fix itself. I told you this many times while we were together, though clearly it never had any effect on you, but your problems won't solve themselves, and your goals won't achieve themselves. Communication may not be your strong point, clearly, but make the effort this time, because I'm not sure how willing I am to be forgiving under these circumstances.
I'll make this as easy as I can make it. I believe that you were using me for a stepping stone, to get the whole virginity thing out of the way and get past the "never had a boyfriend" awkwardness so that you could land a guy you'll actually want to stay with. You strung me along, basically letting me get caught up in this romantic whirlwind, letting me do everything I could, not to mention *spend* all I could to make you happy, and mirroring all of the affection back to me to make me feel like we were in an equal partnership. I think the only reason you can't "figure it out" is because you're trying to think of only yourself...again...and you want to believe that you're too good to use a person for such petty means. You're not on the receiving end, you don't really know how it feels to feel treated this way, and you're a bitch for even letting it seem that way, if you supposedly care about me.
You've got a new boyfriend, who you've known longer than you knew me, you've spent more time with him at your school. Don't give me bullshit about how you never really talked to him a lot, or didn't hang out that much, it was enough for him to apparently harbor this humongous crush on you for three or four years and leap at the chance to ask you out less than a month after you dumped the speed bump in his way. The way you related the event to me, "he asked me out and I was like 'eh, okei.'" Real sincere and heartfelt, clearly you had no hangups about me lingering in your mind, more than likely because you'd left most of what you felt for me (if there was ever anything, which seems unlikely at this point now) behind quite some time ago. Also clearly, you were at least not reluctant, if not eager, to jump back into a relationship, especially when the guy has a car, more money than I ever did, and clearly has things going well for him in school and a job in the military when he's graduated. Obviously it's pretty tempting, because you're following right on his tail and joining the force, too. You act like it's just for freshman year to help cover it until you get the rest of your tenure sorted out, but I think you know that you'll get yourself dug in too deep, make too many friendships you want to stay close to, enjoy the extra time you get to spend with your boyfriend, and you'll get stuck. You'll hate it, you'll complain about the strict instructors, the physical fitness routines, but you'll be stuck.
Speaking of all the time you'll have with your new boyfriend, you're clearly more than capable of putting out for him. You make out with almost complete strangers that you don't even really like, just because you feel like acting drunk after a part of one drink. Claiming afterwards that you wished it were with me, which I always contested, as you'll recall, because it was, and is, a very unbelievable excuse. That sort of thing just makes me feel even more confident that you're willing to go all the way with the new old guy. Even your mom seems willing to accommodate you guys in whatever you want to do, so there's nothing, not her, not your lack of experience (I gave you *plenty* of experience, and you know it), and clearly not any emotional baggage. I wouldn't be surprised, rather I'm really pretty sure that you have already had at least some sex with him, and I hope that you continue to do so, and compare him to me, and realize that he'll never get your first, and he'll never be as good as I was. I honestly feel like there are almost no guys who care more about making girls happy than I do, and if you need proof after all this time, I have no clue why I should talk to you ever again. I know that it's one of the most base, petty sentiments I could have, but I feel upset enough at you that rubbing in the fact that there's no way your new guy will compare, unless you conveniently ignore everything about me the way you'd ignored our relationship the last few...months? A whole year? I won't ever know, because you've blocked so much of "us" out of your mind that you probably don't even know how long you were pretending yourself.
So we come to the biggest smoldering figurative cinder I have left from our metaphorical fire. I can't trust you. I have absolutely no reason to assume anything you say is true, or that any minor little tiny remote cousin of a commitment you make will be kept. You accepted a proposal from me, then rejected it because you felt like you were too young, then we agreed to wait for each other to be prepared, then you accepted a long-term commitment, for at least until we could live together, then you took a huge steaming dump on that, too. I can only assume that at the time you were just saying what you thought I wanted to hear, to get more of whatever satisfaction you could squeeze from me. But that was what I wanted to hear, it's what I wanted to live, with the person I thought you were. But clearly, you were keeping the real who-you-were to yourself, and continuing to lead me on with falsehoods and lipservice, until you couldn't keep the lies going any longer, and clearly it worked for as long as it did because I was too stupid to pick up on it. So, you're basically, in my mind as it is now, a conniving, two-faced, manipulative, untrustworthy, bitch.
I'm not happy for saying any of this. I do, however, feel much better for doing so. Maybe I'm just reacting to the remnants of hurt and anger that were left over from you dumping me like so much bulldozer refuse, then finding out that you were with someone new and that he was practically already accepted into your family, while you never let me get that close. Maybe I'm just venting because you've dragged out any sort of solid explanation beyond the "I didn't feel right being with you anymore, and I've been lying to you for at least months." Maybe I'm just doing it for closure, to cauterize wounds so that fresh growth can occur. After all this, which I may or may not still feel is relevant in the future, or I might just bury it deep enough to ignore it, but after all this, if you still feel like it's worth being friends, then you're welcome to continue. I just thought you needed to know the things I've been trying not to say, so that there would be nothing between us on my part anymore. I welcome any retorts, rebuttals, or return fire from you, anything you have that you've been holding back. Give me hell, or whatever. Just don't keep this shit of "I'm not sure, I'm not ready" going any longer. Even if you're not ready right this moment, nothing is going to come together if you let things stagnate waiting for it to fix itself. I told you this many times while we were together, though clearly it never had any effect on you, but your problems won't solve themselves, and your goals won't achieve themselves. Communication may not be your strong point, clearly, but make the effort this time, because I'm not sure how willing I am to be forgiving under these circumstances.