(no subject)
Tonight I was at Arby's with my momma :-). I was talking to the little neighbor girls. They ran up to me and gave my leg a hug. It was the most adorable thing I've experienced/seen all day. I realized that 10 years ago I was exactly like these girls and I would look up to the high school girls as being the prettiest, smartest, most amazing people. I wanted to be exactly like them.
I'm glad I'm not exactly like them because then I wouldn't be me. It's so odd though, realizing that I'm that idolistic (for lack of better word) figure now instead of vice-versa.
I've smiled more this week then I have in the last month and it's amazing. Nothing spectacular has happened. The world still goes on through every day as it has. I just feel like I've opened my eyes and am seeing the world slightly differently and that's amazing.
Great-grandpa James died a year ago on the 29th. It would have been a year ago this week that I spent most evenings after school at the hospital in Sullivan. I remember seeing Paul cry in sadness for the first time in six years. That shook me up so badly. I remember I was wearing my pink chucks and red running shirt and favorite jeans when I realized that Grandpa really dying. I couldn't stop sobbing. I wanted to go to the car and just sleep, I couldn't face that hospital. I got the keys and tried walking out to the car. The hospital is super tiny, but I still managed to get lost. I couldn't comprehend anything at that moment. I walked back and I saw some old men sitting in the lounge. They saw me crying and one asked if I was okay. I just nodded yes and walked on. I went back to the lobby where Paul was sitting. The man who asked walked to the nurse who was silently stealing glances of me and asked if there was anything he could do. He asked if there was anything he could do. It of the nicest things. The nurse told him that I'd be okay. I was just going through a lot. I looked at my reflection in the glass door beside me and saw my face was streaked with tears and my eyes were so big and red. My hair was in a messy ponytail from running after school and sleeping on it in the car. I remember thinking that in that moment I looked beautiful though. I was beautiful with emotion. I remember thinking that after grandma died too a few months later.
When we had to leave I went to tell Grandpa goodbye. I was so afraid it'd be the last, and it wasn't. I had a few more. All the same, it was amazing. There's no other word for it. He wasn't really responding to us by that time. I gave him a kiss on his bald head and a hug and he moved his head closer to mine, like a cat would do. I was so shocked. It wasn't a figment of my imagination either. I'm positive.
That Saturday I got a phone call from my Grandma (the alive one, his daughter) and she told me he died. I was listening to Fall Out Boy on purevolume.com. I started sobbing and then dancing to the song. I didn't know what else to do.
Grandpa was amazing. He could be such a jerk and old fart and rude to people sometimes, but he and I had a connection. He was always so happy to see us family. His smile was never so bright or arms more outstretched then when one of his great-grandchildren were near. I miss him a lot, but throughtout writing this I've teared up and been smiling. I'm ending this by smiling.
It's odd. If I saw myself now last year, I wouldn't have expected to come out like how I have. Especially around this week. I figured I'd be the saddest person. I'm not though. I'm grateful that I had the relationship with him that I did. I'm happy that I'm experiencing life and smiling and reading and learning and playing with my cat and eating food with my mom and seeing the sky be so blue like yesterday. Life is an amazing treasure.
I'm glad I'm not exactly like them because then I wouldn't be me. It's so odd though, realizing that I'm that idolistic (for lack of better word) figure now instead of vice-versa.
I've smiled more this week then I have in the last month and it's amazing. Nothing spectacular has happened. The world still goes on through every day as it has. I just feel like I've opened my eyes and am seeing the world slightly differently and that's amazing.
Great-grandpa James died a year ago on the 29th. It would have been a year ago this week that I spent most evenings after school at the hospital in Sullivan. I remember seeing Paul cry in sadness for the first time in six years. That shook me up so badly. I remember I was wearing my pink chucks and red running shirt and favorite jeans when I realized that Grandpa really dying. I couldn't stop sobbing. I wanted to go to the car and just sleep, I couldn't face that hospital. I got the keys and tried walking out to the car. The hospital is super tiny, but I still managed to get lost. I couldn't comprehend anything at that moment. I walked back and I saw some old men sitting in the lounge. They saw me crying and one asked if I was okay. I just nodded yes and walked on. I went back to the lobby where Paul was sitting. The man who asked walked to the nurse who was silently stealing glances of me and asked if there was anything he could do. He asked if there was anything he could do. It of the nicest things. The nurse told him that I'd be okay. I was just going through a lot. I looked at my reflection in the glass door beside me and saw my face was streaked with tears and my eyes were so big and red. My hair was in a messy ponytail from running after school and sleeping on it in the car. I remember thinking that in that moment I looked beautiful though. I was beautiful with emotion. I remember thinking that after grandma died too a few months later.
When we had to leave I went to tell Grandpa goodbye. I was so afraid it'd be the last, and it wasn't. I had a few more. All the same, it was amazing. There's no other word for it. He wasn't really responding to us by that time. I gave him a kiss on his bald head and a hug and he moved his head closer to mine, like a cat would do. I was so shocked. It wasn't a figment of my imagination either. I'm positive.
That Saturday I got a phone call from my Grandma (the alive one, his daughter) and she told me he died. I was listening to Fall Out Boy on purevolume.com. I started sobbing and then dancing to the song. I didn't know what else to do.
Grandpa was amazing. He could be such a jerk and old fart and rude to people sometimes, but he and I had a connection. He was always so happy to see us family. His smile was never so bright or arms more outstretched then when one of his great-grandchildren were near. I miss him a lot, but throughtout writing this I've teared up and been smiling. I'm ending this by smiling.
It's odd. If I saw myself now last year, I wouldn't have expected to come out like how I have. Especially around this week. I figured I'd be the saddest person. I'm not though. I'm grateful that I had the relationship with him that I did. I'm happy that I'm experiencing life and smiling and reading and learning and playing with my cat and eating food with my mom and seeing the sky be so blue like yesterday. Life is an amazing treasure.