the state fair
so i have some good news everyone. i set up a big gig next week. i feel like its going to be a real boon to my career. i am doing standup at the state fair next week. thank you, thank you. im opening for the monkeys riding dogs. and my payment is being able to pet the monkeys. so im really looking forward to it..... monkeys riding dogs! monkeys riding dogs! monkeys riding dogs! (in that state fair commericial voice) you know its a shitball state fair when your main attraction, the center of all your promotion, is monkeys riding dogs. times are tough. state fairs are feeling the economic crunch too. i want to go to one of these broke down state fairs. "so do you guys have a ferris wheel?" "no, but we do have a kitchen table you can sit at. its really fun." "what about those chairs you sit on and they spin and then the platform its on spins?" "no, but we have a mop bucket you can sit on and we spin you super fast." "do you even have funnel cakes?" "kinda. we got this brown styrofoam that you can lick the powdered sugar off of and then you give it back to us and we put more sugar on it and give to the next person.".... But you gotta hand it to them, they know their clientele; they know their core market. (redneck voice) "baby, baby, we gotta go to this state fair." "i dont want to." "baby, they got monkeys. riding. dogs." "oh my god, and we get the ssi check tomorrow! lets do it up big!" "baby you better start ironing my dale earnhart jr tshirt tonight!" "we dont have an iron, i had to sell it." "woman, what do mean you had to sell the iron?" "cause you took our last hundred dollars to georgia to buy 40s and lottery tickets. and we was outta cigarettes" "first of all them 40s was half off. it would have been financially irresponsible of me not to go get them. 2ndly when i win the lottery you aint gettin none of it! nary a penny! so you better start breathin heavy on that shirt and take them wrinkles out." "i dont care! i hate you! that baby aint even yours!" "woman, you think im stupid? that baby is tan as shit and you named him carlos. you think im stupid woman? i know that baby aint mine but i damn sure aint turning down a free check from the government. you can have all the mexican babies you want, i. dont. care! you aint gonna ruin this for me woman! i love. monkeys. ridin. dogs!"..... you gotta wonder what is going on in the monkeys head during all this? i mean i imagine they staple his legs to that dog...how else are they gonna keep him on it? and a monkey doesnt even know what a dog is probably. so hes all dressed up in peoples clothes, stapled to some strange foreign creature thats running top speed around in cirlces on a dirt floor surrounded by rednecks screaming and laughing at it. that has got to be the closest thing to the 7th circle of hell a monkey can experience. you know that monkey trainer gets the shit bitten out of him. hes the carney with 7 fingers. you see a little capuchin monkey being wheeled into a truck with a hannibal lecter mask on.... on a similar note i met my first carney a few weeks back. he came into my work barefoot and asked, "hey man, im here with the fair. you guys got western union?" i said, "no, but we have money gram. its the same thing." to which he responded, " what do you mean?" and i said, "uh....what do you mean??" and there was this epic pregnant pause where we just stared at ecother. (whispered) im uncomfortable. finally he processed what i had meant and said, "you mean if i want to send money to someone i can send it here and someone can pick it up at a moneygram place?" i said, "yeah". he said, "cool, man. cool" and then just stood there for 5 mins. then turned without saying anything and left. yeah, wow is right. something tells me his job at the fair didnt involve math. or anything with more than 3 steps.