[Thread] She was her mother's daughter...

[waterfell]

Characters: AU:Chibiusa, OU:Mercury
Where: Loh-Tessera
When: after this convo and more importantly, this
Summary: A weary Chibiusa seeks quiet and answers.
Warnings: She's seeking them from Mercury. 'Nough said.

Comments

[neo_sailor_moon]

Chibiusa closed her eyes again as she continued telling Mercury what had happened that day. "The one who had captured me was Esmeraude, a woman with the most high-pitched, annoying laugh I have ever heard." It was something all of the Senshi agreed on, they all hated the sound of Esmeraude's laughter. Chibiusa hoped she would never have to hear it again but knew it was impossible. She would probably be hearing it for the rest of her life in the nightmares she had.

"She was taunting Dad, asking him if he was sure that he would indeed pay her price and Dad was shaking with rage as he told her he would die for me, if he had to." More tears fell as she saw her father again, kneeling in front of Esmeraude, begging her not to hurt his daughter.

"She then whispered something into his ear and Dad completely paled. He then looked at me and begged me to forgive him. I had no idea what he was talking about, the only thing I could think about was that I didn't want him to get hurt." She was sobbing now, but forced herself to go on.

"I told him to leave me behind but he wouldn't listen. He shook his head and begged me again to forgive him. He was crying and I told him that of course, whatever it was, I would forgive him. Anything, as long as he was alright." She stopped speaking and as she wiped away her tears, she tried to gather her thoughts.

[waterfell]

Mercury found her anger rising again, this time on behalf of this girl sitting next to her, and the Kunzite-who-was-this-girl's-father. This girl she barely knew - but this girl whose life somehow formed a harmonic with Mercury's own. Not that Mercury could - ever - imagine Kunzite debased or humbled, but she could imagine him determined, set, willing to pay what was asked to gain his goal. A fist formed at her side almost without her thinking.

Then Chibiusa was saying Kunzite had wept, had asked for forgiveness. Different worlds indeed, but the thought was given only a brief second's consideration but it shook the girl nonetheless. It was Kunzite and not-her-Kunzite she was hearing about; a story from a different world, only a story, but like the king anxious for tales from Scheherazade, Mercury couldn't stop hearing, couldn't stop wanting to know what next.

So she simply nodded, letting Chibiusa - Neo Sailormoon - continue.

[neo_sailor_moon]

Silent tears were flowing down Chibiusa's face as she started speaking once more, her voice shaky. "Esmeraude snapped her fingers and a black crystal appeared on Dad's forehead. He started screaming in pain and I was yelling at Esmeraude to stop. She started laughing and snapped her fingers again. I felt something on my own forehead and the next moment my body felt like it was being ripped to shreds."

She was clenching her fists as she could feel the pain again. As she remembered what it had felt like. Her body was trembling and it took her a few moments to calm down enough so that she could go on. "I told myself this was nothing if it meant keeping Dad safe, that I could do this. Then suddenly there was no more pain and I thought it was over. I was wrong, it was only the beginning."

[waterfell]

So she'd been right; the Dark Kingdom senshi was sure of it now. It was the only logical trade that would have led to Chibiusa learning about the Dark Kingdom. "Dark energy," she said. Chibiusa had been... attacked by it or imbued with it? They'd already attacked her before Kunzite had arrived, so...

"You were... given dark energy?" Mercury thought of the Kunzite in her own world; yes, he was someone who would undergo that if there was a reason for it that he considered strong enough. He wouldn't back down.And in her world, it was him... he had...

'I'm glad it's you falling into my hands.' She'd transformed and prepared to fight - prepared, because he'd absorbed her entire attack with what seemed like no effort at all; he had been especially determined and forceful, and his energy had been too strong.

'Sailormercury, from now on, you belong to me!' Then that blast of strange fog from his sword...She'd passed out. Over the next several days, she'd passed out several times, rarely leaving her bed. And then she'd finally joined him, to be reborn in the Dark Kingdom, remade.

'Sailormercury has been given power...'

Mercury and Chibiusa, was Mercury really right about what had happened in the other girl's world, and was it a strange reflection of her own experience? In one, Kunzite had found Mercury and brought her to the Dark Kingdom; in the other, he had reluctantly accepted this to save his daughter and himself?

Then a fresh realization hit her: "His! You took in his...dark energy..." She was staring again, her eyes wide. If she was right, was this also the reason for their strange, so-immediate connection?

[neo_sailor_moon]

Talking about what had happened hurt, more than she had ever thought possible. It had been foolish of her to think she could make the memories go away if she just tried hard enough to ignore them. But there hadn't been any time to deal with them. To sit down and talk to her father. Talk until there no longer was any doubt in her heart. She knew her father loved her, that she meant the world to him. But it hurt and she started shaking her head, wishing the pain would go away.

Somehow, hearing Mercury's question managed to snap her out of her memories and she frowned as she tried to answer. "No" she spoke very slowly, a bitter smile on her face "Dad didn't have any dark energy inside him." It was the truth, her father did no longer have any energy from the Dark Kingdom. Unfortunately there were other things he did still have.

[waterfell]

Mercury controlled an impulse to be annoyed. (Why did she control it? Why not lash out at this suddenly-pathetic girl sniveling next to her?) That answer of Chibiusa's.... Dad didn't have any dark energy inside him ... as though that made that version of him superior, so smug. (Mercury filled in the 'anymore' for herself; hadn't the younger Sailormoon said they had been healed of it?) But the dark senshi didn't believe for a moment that her dark energy was the choice that was inferior.

Then the senshi realized: no, it wasn't smugness. There was some other emotion. And even though there wasn't dark energy from Kunzite, there was something that had happened - obviously. And the bitterness still... Chibiusa felt...betrayed? Blamed him, despite her protests of forgiveness?

Then Mercury almost did smile, and it would have been an ironic or almost wistful one rather than her usual mocking. Hadn't she raged against Kunzite more than enough herself? A journal entry she'd made in Econtra while drained of her love by Elda's bite came back to her, one she'd made private since then: I'm not forgiving you for anything you've done...you took me away from everything...and put me in the Dark Kingdom. I hate you.

She hadn't meant it - a part of her had, but not as she'd said it - but without the mediating influences of love, as strange as that seemed...

Her thoughts were calmed again, and Mercury looked impassively at the girl next to her. Her words themselves, though, were still mild, almost as someone simply encouraging someone to share and vent their experiences and emotions might be. Almost friendly, or at least as much as she probably got.

'Want to hear what I have to say?' 'Who'd listen to Kunzite's underling?' Yes, she'd only recently begun to have the confidence here to offer much of an ear and advice in Econtra.

"What happened next?"

[neo_sailor_moon]

Chibiusa shook her head at Mercury, indicating that she didn't want to answer her question. She looked up at the ceiling and for several minutes she simply stared, silent tears still flowing down her cheeks. Then she swallowed and closed her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she bowed her head and her shoulders sagged. She would finish telling her story. She had come this far and now that finally someone was listening, part of her had no desire to stop. How ironic that Econtra had granted her that opportunity.

Her voice was broken as she told Mercury what she wanted to know. "The next moment I was struggling my mother to death."

[waterfell]

Mercury took an answering deep breath; she tilted her head back to look towards the ceiling. It was hard - no, impossible - to keep her mind's eye from a panorama of Sailormoon, downed and helpless, about to die. She let herself dwell on it only for a moment, and though her eyes glittered for just a fraction of a second, she mostly successfully kept the pleasure from her face, especially at the odd angle Chibiusa would now be seeing it from.

It wasn't trying to be kind to this girl; of course not. It was simply that the story would end and Mercury would learn no more if she started overtly enjoying it. So, what did she feel?...It was just that this girl was so pathetic broken. Mercury found herself feeling stupidly protective and idiotic sympathetic.

"This is why you're angry towards him," she said finally. "And... why you're not sure about seeing the Usagis?" Then it hit her: why was this girl confiding something like this to, of all people, an enemy of the senshi? Chibiusa was intelligent enough, but not deceptive enough, to be doing it to manipulate Mercury. The pink-suited senshi was also too emotional right now; this wasn't planned. So...?

"You haven't discussed it." There was no reason to tell an enemy unless you had no one else to tell.

[neo_sailor_moon]

The fact that Chibiusa's body started shaking only a few seconds later would be enough to warn Mercury. Chibiusa felt like she was a on roller coaster of emotions and she vaguely realized that this would probably end in her being zapped by the cuff. Again.

"Discuss what?" Her voice rose in anger and she turned to look at Mercury. For a brief second something flickered in her eyes as she stared at the other Senshi. Then she looked away and sighed.

It wasn't Mercury's fault, none of this was. What had happened was the fault of no one, but herself. She should have been stronger. She should have stopped her father. She should have done something. As she was lost in her thoughts, the something Mercury had seen only a few moments ago, flickered a second time in her eyes.

[waterfell]

The Dark Kingdom girl was drinking in the other girl's reaction, savoring it in a detached, back part of her mind. The smile did curve her lips now, but it was not quite malicious. Then an idea occurred to her and, while Chibiusa couldn't quite see her expression, Mercury's gaze dropped a little and to the side, a very Kunzite gesture; she'd somehow picked it up from him.

"Chibiusa, from that sort of reaction, you took in dark energy. And since then... because of how your world has progressed, you've been trying to suppress it, is that right?"

Passed out. No one there, of course no one there. Mother gone, friends busy. So sick. Makoto came, finally. Healed a little, for an hour or two, passed out again. Kunzite, taking all that pain, that illness away finally. Rebirth. The bliss of Metalia's energy running through Mercury, too, now. New strength, new existence, her new reason for existing, the existence he'd given her: Battle. The senshi. Power.

It wasn't an easy thing to suppress dark energy; her own experience was proof of that. (Why had she bothered? She was of the Darkness from the moment he'd claimed her; he was right about that...so right...) It was doubtful it could be done. Absorbed, perhaps. Controlled, perhaps - mostly.

"And you've been trying to do that alone."

Vaguely, the senshi realized her thoughts were becoming a little wild, just as the thoughts of the girl next to her probably were. Everything she'd learned was having that effect. However, it was not the violent reaction of Chibiusa; it was simply a heightened, quickened state of thinking, thoughts running together and colliding but still coherent, still rational.

[neo_sailor_moon]

Sighing again, Chibiusa looked back at Mercury, her eyes widening when she saw the other Senshi drop her gaze. It reminded her of her father. How many times hadn't he done that when they were talking? For a moment she felt the bizarre urge to reach out and touch Mercury, but she quickly shook it off. What was she thinking?!

Chibiusa couldn't help flinching at Mercury's next words and she shook her head viciously. No! But it was true and deep inside she knew it. She could feel it. She had been given dark energy that day. And that hadn't been the only thing. But how to explain? How to make Mercury understand that there was more?

[waterfell]

So adamant! But if there was one thing Mercury had learned so, so early on, it was that there was no point resisting that.

I'm glad it's you falling into my hands.
Sailormercury, from now on, you belong to me!
Sailormercury has been given power; the chances of her returning...are none.
Don't look at it; you're already of the Darkness.
Yes, fight! - that's the meaning of your existence now!
Fight to stay as you are now!

He had always been so right. He said things and made them so.

The truth was, at least three times now, Mercury had been likewise tempted to reach out towards Chibiusa, a thought and idea that was frightening as much as it was strange. Opposite sides of a so-same looking-glass.

In the end, she let the other girl continue her story.

[neo_sailor_moon]

((OOC: I wrote "struggling" earlier, that should be "strangling". My apologies.))

Chibiusa hesitated for a moment before getting up and slowly walking towards the window. She looked outside for a while, without really seeing anything, and then leaned her head against the glass and closed her eyes. Mercury's presence had a somewhat calming effect on her and she was grateful for it.

Mercury's guess had been right, they hadn't discussed it. Of course not, there had been no time. But even if there had been ... Would it have made a difference? Was this something she wanted the others to know? Having dark energy inside her wouldn't be the problem, would it? They would deal with that, heal her, something. But having the others know that she knew ... But that too could be dealt with, right? The Queen would have found a way, she was sure of it. She could have forgotten, could have gone back to the way things were before. But a small part of her didn't want to, didn't want to forget, wanted to remember because ... No! She didn't want to think about it, didn't want anything to have to do with the feelings she had felt, the thoughts she had had, nothing at all. She wanted ... She didn't even know what she wanted. Or maybe she did, but what was the use of wanting something you knew you would never have, anyway?

She started speaking again, her voice sounding tired. "The price Dad had to pay was me finding out about his past. It was horrible, it was not simply remembering things, I was living them. I was the one strangling my mother. It ..." Her body shook again, though her tears had stopped, and she forced herself to stop and take a few deep breaths. In, out. In, out. In, out. Abracadabra, everything will be alright.

[waterfell]

Mercury watched the other girl, eyes following her progress to the window, her gaze outside it. And then, the price of a life - no, of two lives - was finally spoken plainly. Yes, a Kunzite determined to save himself and his daughter would do such a thing, go that far to accomplish his goal. She found herself a little jealous of that depth of protectiveness, despite the consequences.

"You experienced his memories." You didn't know about the Dark Kingdom. You found out accidentally. It was the sort of price Beryl might demand in Mercury's world, so drastic and cutting to the heart. Mercury had little no respect for the self-proclaimed queen, but she was aware of the hag's temperament.

"And because of the situation in your world, and the fact you didn't know about them before, it was worse because it was unexpected." The reason for that bitterness. Love and hate in equal measure? Because it wasn't resolved.

"How much? All of his memories of the Dark Kingdom?"

Chibiusa was curious. She was intelligent. She would keep searching, and it would be interesting to see what she found. So Mercury would wait to see it.

[neo_sailor_moon]

Chibiusa glanced at Mercury and gave her a bitter smile. "The memories were related to my mother. It's difficult to accept that your father tried to kill your mother and nearly succeeded. It's even worse when you experienced them the way I did." Her voice still sounded tired, but she was feeling calmer now. It helped that Mercury was merely stating facts and asking questions, encouraging her to go on. She did not judge Chibiusa nor showed any real emotions. Chibiusa knew that if she had tried to talk about this to any of the Senshi of her own world, their reactions would have been very different.

"I am not sure about the rest." Her shoulders sagged again. "Sometimes I will suddenly remember something and it will feel like a memory from a dream. It's hard to explain." She was silent for a moment and when she spoke again her voice had turned cold. "I can still feel my hands around my mother's neck, strangling the life out of her."

[waterfell]

'Nearly succeeded'. In Mercury's world, Kunzite might have done it if he and Mercury hadn't been arguing over who would do it. Nearly succeeded, indeed. Once or twice, Mercury had had Sailormoon pushed into one corner or another... that feeling...

But it would be different for these two - no, for these two now, in that different world; these two who didn't want that. Maybe that was why Mercury could listen to Chibiusa; she had experienced things the other senshi had not. She had once been a sailor senshi and in Econtra, she'd grown calmer - but her dark energy was still very present and she still sided with the Dark Kingdom.

Then Mercury finally give in to one of her own impulses, standing up and walking towards the other girl. She wasn't exactly being gentle or consoling, but she reached out a hand to put it on the other girl's shoulder if it wasn't rebuffed.