[Log] Unanswered Questions
Characters: OU Heero Yuy, AU Quatre Winner
Where: Om Pente
When: Backdated to the night after The Fix-up, a few days before the dissapearances.
Summary: Quatre is trying to decide how to deal with his blossoming relationship with girl!Wufei, so he talks to Heero about it.
Warnings: Just fluff
Quatre had been uneasy and wakeful all night. If he had bothered to wonder about it, he would have realized that it was about three in the morning by now. This didn't occur to him. He lay with his arms behind his head, trying to sort through his jumbled thoughts and feelings. ON the one hand, he was almost deliriously happy, but on the other hand, there were so many things to wonder or worry about, so much that sobered his happiness. He stared at the ceiling, but still saw Wufei's face, smiling at him.
It was a dream about flying his gundam, which started pleasantly enough, but then twisted into a nightmare of death and destruction. Heero startled awake, a cry of fear caught in his throat. He took several heavy but quiet breaths, not wanting to wake Quatre, and looked around for his bear.
Quatre himself jerked into a sitting position and stared at the other's dark form. Even in the near-darkness, he could tell what had happened. The residue of empathetic pain was already beginning to fade. "Heero...." Quatre climbed out of his own bed, trembling somewhat in the sudden cold, and leaned over his friend. "Heero...what is it?" His pale face was lined with concern, and his thoughts about Wufei were pushed aside for the moment.
Heero's hand found the stuffed toy just as Quatre spoke. He pulled it close and looked up at Quatre. "I didn't mean to disturb you. It's nothing."
Quatre smoothed the hair from his face. "Heero...you didn't...I mean, I was already awake." His eyes dropped briefly to the bear, only one ear could be seen above Heero's clutching arms. "Your feelings aren't 'nothing'."
"Just a dream," Heero sighed, closing his eyes a moment. He wasn't sure he wanted to sleep right away, though he was tired enough.
Shivering a little, Quatre placed a hand on his shoulder. "Would you like some company?"
Heero paused, but wasn't going to refuse. "If you like," he said, moving over some.
The cold made Quatre more than grateful to climb in with him, and he curled in close, wrapping an arm around Heero. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly, rubbing Heero's back a little.
"Not really," Heero admitted, curling up a bit himself and closing his eyes again. "Same old thing. What were you doing up?"
Quatre hesitated, and even his hand stopped for a moment. "I.... I was just thinking...." he murmured. When it came to it, he felt rather embarrassed about how little he knew in terms of love and romance, especially as it regarded Wufei. His cheeks flushed hot. Quatre had so many questions, but wasn't sure who to ask, or how to ask them.
"Mmm," Heero drifted off a moment, but images of fire made him force his eyes open again. A few more minutes, maybe, and it would be better. "Is something wrong?" He hadn't asked Quatre about what happened with Wufei. It was their business, after all.
For a moment, the blond felt he didn't want to bother his friend with his own petty concerns. Heero *ought* to be asleep. But...he couldn't stop himself. "I....kissed Wufei..." he murmured. It was an odd beginning.
"Really?" Heero murmured, then paused and opened his eyes again as he actually processed what Quatre had said. "Really?" he asked again, this time with more interest.
Quatre nodded, his hair brushing against Heero's chin, before actually looking at him. "She kissed me back." Not knowing what to say next, he frowned, then added, "I....I don't know what to do now."
Heero blinked at him. "I...I'm surprised," he admitted. "I knew you liked each other, but..."
"I never thought she could ever care for me like that..." he continued, only half-hearing the other. Then he focused a bit more and added, "I'm so lost right now..." Sea-colored eyes looked at Heero, clearly wanting some sort of guidance.
"I'm sure," Heero replied, not quite sure what else to say. "It's...confusing, I know."
"It is....so confusing..." Quatre bowed his head against Heero's chest, clutching a little at the fabric of the other boy's shirt. "I haven't felt this way in a long time, and....this is so different. There's so little hope for the future..."
Heero didn't believe there was any hope for the future. Quatre's words touched that deep fear he hated facing. "Yeah, I know," he murmured.
Quatre couldn't give it up entirely, though. "She said she wanted to...to try and take what we had and have it go further. I....I wouldn't have asked her if there was no hope at all...." He paused, frowning deeply. "Did I do the wrong thing?"
Heero shrugged as best he could. "You followed your emotions, didn't you?"
Quatre nodded against him. "I did. But...my emotions sometimes lead me wrong." Looking up then, and meeting Heero's eyes in the dark, he said, "I....I love her....so much. I want to be with her always.... But I don't want her to be hurt, either."
"They won't lead you wrong," Heero assured him. He opened his mouth to tell Quatre that he wouldn't be with her always but stopped himself.
Quatre feared that it would be the case, that they would be separated eventually. Only a very stubborn hope kept him from that utter despair. "I want her to know how much I love her...every day....as often as I can..." *For as long as we have* he added silently to himself. Saying it out loud was something he couldn't do at this point. "But....I don't know how.... Especially with her. Nothing seems to be good enough..."
"I'm sure it is," Heero assured him. "It just seems that way."
Quatre's eyes searched his a moment. "Heero...how do you do it?"
Heero actually pushed himself up just a little. "Do what exactly?" he asked.
"How do you show Miss Relena that you love her?" Quatre looked up at him, as though Heero was the wise, older brother.
Heero looked at him a bit worriedly a moment before he decided Quatre meant emotionally. "Uh, I don't know. Not as much as I should, I guess. I watch out for her, protect her however I can. And well..." he shrugged. "I don't think my relationship with her is normal, at least, compared to what I've seen," he admitted.
Quatre's head tilted up against the pillow. "What do you mean?" As far as romantic relationships went, he didn't think he was the best judge, unless it was obviously destructive.
Heero shrugged. "We don't...I don't know. We just don't seem to be like other...people who are together," he shrugged. Maybe if the other Relena...He closed his eyes and flopped back down. "I don't think I'm the person to ask, Quatre."
The Arabian blinked his large eyes in the darkness. "But...you were the first one to find someone. You found her..." A deep frown crinkled his brow. "Is there anything specific that you see as being different? I don't know if everyone's relationships are supposed to be the same...or, not so much..." In some ways, Relena was very good for Heero.
Heero half-shrugged. "We don't really do...I don't know...couple stuff. Dates or whatever people do. We just...are sort of together. We didn't really discuss it or think about it. We just...are," he finished lamely.
"But....that's not necessarily bad, is it?" This question was aimed at himself as well as Heero. "Do you feel good when you're with her? Do you feel peace?"
"It's...comforting," Heero replied quietly.
The blond smiled. "Then...your relationship can't be too unhealthy, can it?" Any happiness that Heero could find was more than deserved.
Heero didn't answer. He couldn't express his confusion, over his feelings towards the Relena he was with combined with the fear he had of losing her, along with all the feelings he had for the other Relena, the one from a world much closer to his. It was all very unsettling. "But we weren't talking about me," he said finally.
"No...., I suppose not." Quatre found his own concerns easily took a back seat to Heero's, but the other seemed to be so reluctant to even jump into that whirlpool of emotion. Quatre could feel it coming from him.
Gently placing a hand on his shoulder, he said, "You have so many feelings about it...it must be hard to sort through them..." That was what it seemed to be, anyway. "And as for myself..." he let out a sigh, "I honestly don't know what to think about it. I mean....I'm happy, but...."
"Then be happy," Heero told him. "We both know what the end result is. Be happy, if you can here." He couldn't be, but he didn't begrudge Quatre that. "You won't forget," he added quietly. Not like some people here.
Quatre looked at him, and there was sorrow in his eyes. "Heero.... I don't know how happy I could ever be....knowing you aren't happy yourself. Even a little." He looked down. "I can never forget....even if I wanted to, I couldn't." Not while his friends were taken and hurt, and he could do nothing about it.
"I don't want to be," Heero replied a bit stiffly. "Not here. Not while we're captives and fodder for those things."
"Then....why is it alright for me to have happiness here...and not you?" His voice was gentle, questioning.
"Because," Heero replied. "You can have what you want. You should. You and Wufei, both."
Quatre shook his head. "Are you so sure of that? It could end poorly... We don't know yet. And what about yourself? Do you really believe that you can't have happiness?" As he said this last, the blond drew in closer, looking Heero in the eyes. One of his most fervent desires was to see his dear friend happy, but it would never happen if Heero didn't believe it himself.
"I can," Heero replied, his voice still rather hard. "I'd like nothing better. But not here. They want us to be happy and content here, so we'll forget to resist them. I don't want to forget."
"You really have so little faith in yourself?" This came out as a half-groan. "What makes me so different? Heero...you're five-thousand times stronger than I am. If you think you'll forget..."
Heero rolled away a bit. "They took away my chance to find a life for myself," he snapped. "This is a prison, and yeah I'm glad I got to meet you and Relena and everyone but I just can't play house for them. It just feels wrong to me. Every time I forget for a little while I just..." He shook his head. "You're the strong one. Wufei, too. If the two of you can find happiness together you should."
Quatre curled into himself at first. "I....I'm sorry...." he murmured. He really did understand Heero's reasons, but his desire for the other's well-being often overshadowed them. "I didn't mean.... I just want you to have some happiness. Anything at all. I....I hate to see you like this..." He reached out to him again. "If it would make you happy, Wufei and I will do our best...I...I want to be with her.... But I want everyone to be happy, too. I..."
He ground his teeth hard. "I hate this place so much...:"
Heero paused a moment. "There are things," he admitted quietly, "That do make me happy, I guess. Your friendship is one of those. All my friends. And seeing you happy. I'm just afraid that I..." he stopped, having not intended to use that word. "I just don't want to pretend, either," he amended.
"That's a start..." Quatre murmured, encouragingly. "If you have something to hold onto, it's easier to survive this place." Hesitantly, he scooted in closer to Heero. "And....I don't think less of you for being afraid." he let out a slow breath. "I am, too."
Afraid that one of them would be taken from him, that Wufei would be hurt by their relationship, and all the multitudinous, interwoven fears that Econtra bred.
Heero nodded wordlessly.
"Heero..." he whispered at length. "I...I still don't know why she...cares for me, but I worry about what would happen if I disappeared. Would it really hurt her? Would it hurt more if I broke it off before that happened., or less?"
"I wish I could tell you, Quatre," Heero murmured. "The truth is...I hate thinking about it. I try not to, even though I know I'm just fooling myself."
"Maybe that's all we're doing." Quatre sighed. He let his head sink forward against Heero's chest. "I want her to be happy... But I don't know if I can give her that, if it's right, or...." He bit his lip. "But if we are killed here, and we never moved on our emotions, what was the point then?" This was more to himself, though Heero could easily hear it.
Heero was silent for a while before he spoke again. "You told me once that I should take happiness when I found it, that I deserved to have it, even in this place, even if it was temporary. And you asked me how I would make her feel if I rejected her out of fear of what will happen. I could tell you the same thing."
The other boy stilled completely, but said nothing at first. he was soaking this in- what he had said had been absolutely true, but that it ought to be applied to himself.... Well, to Wufei, anyway.
"I......if you say it, I....I think I can. Even if I'm..." What was he? Scared? Quatre shook his head a bit and pulled back to look at Heero again. "You haven't let yourself take that happiness, though." he commented with a sigh. Though he understood why this was, it still made him sad.
"I've taken a little," Heero allowed, mainly for Quatre's sake. "I keep going back to her, even though I know these attachments we form just weaken us. Even though I know if we ever did go back she wouldn't be there..." The other might be, though. It was different for Quatre and Wufei.
Quatre had picked up this thought without any telepathy. "There is still the Relena in your home world... Perhaps being with this one will help you in your relationship with the one there." Eyes half-closed, he added, "There will never be a girl Wufei in my world."
"I know," murmured Heero, wondering if Quatre was right about him and Relena.
The blond knew he was setting himself up for a world of hurt- the only comfort was that, as much of a brute as he was, Wufei would have a male copy of himself to go home to. Her influence would be more than enough to turn him, to make him a good man....he knew it.
"You need to sleep." he murmured suddenly, looking ashamed. "I'm so sorry...I shouldn't be keeping you up like this. It's not important."
"It is important," Heero replied instantly. "I didn't want to go back to sleep right away anyway." He opened his mouth to say more, but paused, unsure how to word it.
One hand rubbed Heero's back gently. "It....it was bad, wasn't it?" he asked in a low voice.
"What?" he asked. "Oh, the dream? I guess so."
"How often do you try and hide them from me?" A point-blank question, gently asked. Perhaps there was some hurt in Quatre's voice, but it was because Heero had been in pain.
"I just don't want to wake you," Heero replied. "I don't have them so often. More since I was returned here, after that..." Nightmare didn't cut what he had experienced.
"After what?" the blond continued to rub Heero's back. Talking usually helped, even if he felt he already knew what Heero was going to say.
"After coming back here, that dream..." Heero murmured, trying not to reflect on it.
Quatre sighed. "Wufei said she saw it, too...." It had long ago occurred to him that their minds would only take so much of this, before shattering entirely. Was that what their Keepers wanted?
He licked his dry lips, hating the cold. At least it was warm under the covers with Heero.
Heero actually leaned a little closer. "That's not what I was going to say, though. You know I'm grateful, right? I...I wish I could be of more help to you."
Quatre smiled and leaned in as well. "You are a help to me.... You remind me why I shouldn't just give up. It makes me happy to help you...even if I don't do much." He didn't know why Heero was grateful, because he really didn't think he was doing anything important, but he let that pass. The other boy was finding good in even the little things.
Heero nodded. "I'm glad. You know I'm not good at saying stuff, but, I was just thinking, about if we ever do go back, and I just realized that as much as I'd miss Relena, I'd miss you, too. Nearly as much. Even with the other Quatre there. Just like she isn't the same, you aren't either." He shrugged a little.
This touched Quatre deeply. He never realized, or wouldn't let himself realize, how much Heero cared about him. All he could say in response, however, was, "You're.....you're very kind..." It was nothing like what he wanted to say, but he couldn't put it into words at the moment. Too much gratitude... there was a lump in his throat, and he couldn't say any more.
Heero rested a hand on Quatre's arm. "I mean it. I really do. Do you want to stay over here? I think we'll both be warmer." Cold didn't bother him very much, but he knew that Quatre was definitely uncomfortable.
Quatre couldn't help nuzzling into his friend's hair, like a puppy. "Please?" Not just warmer, but more comforting. And if Heero had any more nightmares, Quatre would be there to help.
Heero smiled some, reaching to adjust the blankets a little. "Sure," he said.
Where: Om Pente
When: Backdated to the night after The Fix-up, a few days before the dissapearances.
Summary: Quatre is trying to decide how to deal with his blossoming relationship with girl!Wufei, so he talks to Heero about it.
Warnings: Just fluff
Quatre had been uneasy and wakeful all night. If he had bothered to wonder about it, he would have realized that it was about three in the morning by now. This didn't occur to him. He lay with his arms behind his head, trying to sort through his jumbled thoughts and feelings. ON the one hand, he was almost deliriously happy, but on the other hand, there were so many things to wonder or worry about, so much that sobered his happiness. He stared at the ceiling, but still saw Wufei's face, smiling at him.
It was a dream about flying his gundam, which started pleasantly enough, but then twisted into a nightmare of death and destruction. Heero startled awake, a cry of fear caught in his throat. He took several heavy but quiet breaths, not wanting to wake Quatre, and looked around for his bear.
Quatre himself jerked into a sitting position and stared at the other's dark form. Even in the near-darkness, he could tell what had happened. The residue of empathetic pain was already beginning to fade. "Heero...." Quatre climbed out of his own bed, trembling somewhat in the sudden cold, and leaned over his friend. "Heero...what is it?" His pale face was lined with concern, and his thoughts about Wufei were pushed aside for the moment.
Heero's hand found the stuffed toy just as Quatre spoke. He pulled it close and looked up at Quatre. "I didn't mean to disturb you. It's nothing."
Quatre smoothed the hair from his face. "Heero...you didn't...I mean, I was already awake." His eyes dropped briefly to the bear, only one ear could be seen above Heero's clutching arms. "Your feelings aren't 'nothing'."
"Just a dream," Heero sighed, closing his eyes a moment. He wasn't sure he wanted to sleep right away, though he was tired enough.
Shivering a little, Quatre placed a hand on his shoulder. "Would you like some company?"
Heero paused, but wasn't going to refuse. "If you like," he said, moving over some.
The cold made Quatre more than grateful to climb in with him, and he curled in close, wrapping an arm around Heero. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly, rubbing Heero's back a little.
"Not really," Heero admitted, curling up a bit himself and closing his eyes again. "Same old thing. What were you doing up?"
Quatre hesitated, and even his hand stopped for a moment. "I.... I was just thinking...." he murmured. When it came to it, he felt rather embarrassed about how little he knew in terms of love and romance, especially as it regarded Wufei. His cheeks flushed hot. Quatre had so many questions, but wasn't sure who to ask, or how to ask them.
"Mmm," Heero drifted off a moment, but images of fire made him force his eyes open again. A few more minutes, maybe, and it would be better. "Is something wrong?" He hadn't asked Quatre about what happened with Wufei. It was their business, after all.
For a moment, the blond felt he didn't want to bother his friend with his own petty concerns. Heero *ought* to be asleep. But...he couldn't stop himself. "I....kissed Wufei..." he murmured. It was an odd beginning.
"Really?" Heero murmured, then paused and opened his eyes again as he actually processed what Quatre had said. "Really?" he asked again, this time with more interest.
Quatre nodded, his hair brushing against Heero's chin, before actually looking at him. "She kissed me back." Not knowing what to say next, he frowned, then added, "I....I don't know what to do now."
Heero blinked at him. "I...I'm surprised," he admitted. "I knew you liked each other, but..."
"I never thought she could ever care for me like that..." he continued, only half-hearing the other. Then he focused a bit more and added, "I'm so lost right now..." Sea-colored eyes looked at Heero, clearly wanting some sort of guidance.
"I'm sure," Heero replied, not quite sure what else to say. "It's...confusing, I know."
"It is....so confusing..." Quatre bowed his head against Heero's chest, clutching a little at the fabric of the other boy's shirt. "I haven't felt this way in a long time, and....this is so different. There's so little hope for the future..."
Heero didn't believe there was any hope for the future. Quatre's words touched that deep fear he hated facing. "Yeah, I know," he murmured.
Quatre couldn't give it up entirely, though. "She said she wanted to...to try and take what we had and have it go further. I....I wouldn't have asked her if there was no hope at all...." He paused, frowning deeply. "Did I do the wrong thing?"
Heero shrugged as best he could. "You followed your emotions, didn't you?"
Quatre nodded against him. "I did. But...my emotions sometimes lead me wrong." Looking up then, and meeting Heero's eyes in the dark, he said, "I....I love her....so much. I want to be with her always.... But I don't want her to be hurt, either."
"They won't lead you wrong," Heero assured him. He opened his mouth to tell Quatre that he wouldn't be with her always but stopped himself.
Quatre feared that it would be the case, that they would be separated eventually. Only a very stubborn hope kept him from that utter despair. "I want her to know how much I love her...every day....as often as I can..." *For as long as we have* he added silently to himself. Saying it out loud was something he couldn't do at this point. "But....I don't know how.... Especially with her. Nothing seems to be good enough..."
"I'm sure it is," Heero assured him. "It just seems that way."
Quatre's eyes searched his a moment. "Heero...how do you do it?"
Heero actually pushed himself up just a little. "Do what exactly?" he asked.
"How do you show Miss Relena that you love her?" Quatre looked up at him, as though Heero was the wise, older brother.
Heero looked at him a bit worriedly a moment before he decided Quatre meant emotionally. "Uh, I don't know. Not as much as I should, I guess. I watch out for her, protect her however I can. And well..." he shrugged. "I don't think my relationship with her is normal, at least, compared to what I've seen," he admitted.
Quatre's head tilted up against the pillow. "What do you mean?" As far as romantic relationships went, he didn't think he was the best judge, unless it was obviously destructive.
Heero shrugged. "We don't...I don't know. We just don't seem to be like other...people who are together," he shrugged. Maybe if the other Relena...He closed his eyes and flopped back down. "I don't think I'm the person to ask, Quatre."
The Arabian blinked his large eyes in the darkness. "But...you were the first one to find someone. You found her..." A deep frown crinkled his brow. "Is there anything specific that you see as being different? I don't know if everyone's relationships are supposed to be the same...or, not so much..." In some ways, Relena was very good for Heero.
Heero half-shrugged. "We don't really do...I don't know...couple stuff. Dates or whatever people do. We just...are sort of together. We didn't really discuss it or think about it. We just...are," he finished lamely.
"But....that's not necessarily bad, is it?" This question was aimed at himself as well as Heero. "Do you feel good when you're with her? Do you feel peace?"
"It's...comforting," Heero replied quietly.
The blond smiled. "Then...your relationship can't be too unhealthy, can it?" Any happiness that Heero could find was more than deserved.
Heero didn't answer. He couldn't express his confusion, over his feelings towards the Relena he was with combined with the fear he had of losing her, along with all the feelings he had for the other Relena, the one from a world much closer to his. It was all very unsettling. "But we weren't talking about me," he said finally.
"No...., I suppose not." Quatre found his own concerns easily took a back seat to Heero's, but the other seemed to be so reluctant to even jump into that whirlpool of emotion. Quatre could feel it coming from him.
Gently placing a hand on his shoulder, he said, "You have so many feelings about it...it must be hard to sort through them..." That was what it seemed to be, anyway. "And as for myself..." he let out a sigh, "I honestly don't know what to think about it. I mean....I'm happy, but...."
"Then be happy," Heero told him. "We both know what the end result is. Be happy, if you can here." He couldn't be, but he didn't begrudge Quatre that. "You won't forget," he added quietly. Not like some people here.
Quatre looked at him, and there was sorrow in his eyes. "Heero.... I don't know how happy I could ever be....knowing you aren't happy yourself. Even a little." He looked down. "I can never forget....even if I wanted to, I couldn't." Not while his friends were taken and hurt, and he could do nothing about it.
"I don't want to be," Heero replied a bit stiffly. "Not here. Not while we're captives and fodder for those things."
"Then....why is it alright for me to have happiness here...and not you?" His voice was gentle, questioning.
"Because," Heero replied. "You can have what you want. You should. You and Wufei, both."
Quatre shook his head. "Are you so sure of that? It could end poorly... We don't know yet. And what about yourself? Do you really believe that you can't have happiness?" As he said this last, the blond drew in closer, looking Heero in the eyes. One of his most fervent desires was to see his dear friend happy, but it would never happen if Heero didn't believe it himself.
"I can," Heero replied, his voice still rather hard. "I'd like nothing better. But not here. They want us to be happy and content here, so we'll forget to resist them. I don't want to forget."
"You really have so little faith in yourself?" This came out as a half-groan. "What makes me so different? Heero...you're five-thousand times stronger than I am. If you think you'll forget..."
Heero rolled away a bit. "They took away my chance to find a life for myself," he snapped. "This is a prison, and yeah I'm glad I got to meet you and Relena and everyone but I just can't play house for them. It just feels wrong to me. Every time I forget for a little while I just..." He shook his head. "You're the strong one. Wufei, too. If the two of you can find happiness together you should."
Quatre curled into himself at first. "I....I'm sorry...." he murmured. He really did understand Heero's reasons, but his desire for the other's well-being often overshadowed them. "I didn't mean.... I just want you to have some happiness. Anything at all. I....I hate to see you like this..." He reached out to him again. "If it would make you happy, Wufei and I will do our best...I...I want to be with her.... But I want everyone to be happy, too. I..."
He ground his teeth hard. "I hate this place so much...:"
Heero paused a moment. "There are things," he admitted quietly, "That do make me happy, I guess. Your friendship is one of those. All my friends. And seeing you happy. I'm just afraid that I..." he stopped, having not intended to use that word. "I just don't want to pretend, either," he amended.
"That's a start..." Quatre murmured, encouragingly. "If you have something to hold onto, it's easier to survive this place." Hesitantly, he scooted in closer to Heero. "And....I don't think less of you for being afraid." he let out a slow breath. "I am, too."
Afraid that one of them would be taken from him, that Wufei would be hurt by their relationship, and all the multitudinous, interwoven fears that Econtra bred.
Heero nodded wordlessly.
"Heero..." he whispered at length. "I...I still don't know why she...cares for me, but I worry about what would happen if I disappeared. Would it really hurt her? Would it hurt more if I broke it off before that happened., or less?"
"I wish I could tell you, Quatre," Heero murmured. "The truth is...I hate thinking about it. I try not to, even though I know I'm just fooling myself."
"Maybe that's all we're doing." Quatre sighed. He let his head sink forward against Heero's chest. "I want her to be happy... But I don't know if I can give her that, if it's right, or...." He bit his lip. "But if we are killed here, and we never moved on our emotions, what was the point then?" This was more to himself, though Heero could easily hear it.
Heero was silent for a while before he spoke again. "You told me once that I should take happiness when I found it, that I deserved to have it, even in this place, even if it was temporary. And you asked me how I would make her feel if I rejected her out of fear of what will happen. I could tell you the same thing."
The other boy stilled completely, but said nothing at first. he was soaking this in- what he had said had been absolutely true, but that it ought to be applied to himself.... Well, to Wufei, anyway.
"I......if you say it, I....I think I can. Even if I'm..." What was he? Scared? Quatre shook his head a bit and pulled back to look at Heero again. "You haven't let yourself take that happiness, though." he commented with a sigh. Though he understood why this was, it still made him sad.
"I've taken a little," Heero allowed, mainly for Quatre's sake. "I keep going back to her, even though I know these attachments we form just weaken us. Even though I know if we ever did go back she wouldn't be there..." The other might be, though. It was different for Quatre and Wufei.
Quatre had picked up this thought without any telepathy. "There is still the Relena in your home world... Perhaps being with this one will help you in your relationship with the one there." Eyes half-closed, he added, "There will never be a girl Wufei in my world."
"I know," murmured Heero, wondering if Quatre was right about him and Relena.
The blond knew he was setting himself up for a world of hurt- the only comfort was that, as much of a brute as he was, Wufei would have a male copy of himself to go home to. Her influence would be more than enough to turn him, to make him a good man....he knew it.
"You need to sleep." he murmured suddenly, looking ashamed. "I'm so sorry...I shouldn't be keeping you up like this. It's not important."
"It is important," Heero replied instantly. "I didn't want to go back to sleep right away anyway." He opened his mouth to say more, but paused, unsure how to word it.
One hand rubbed Heero's back gently. "It....it was bad, wasn't it?" he asked in a low voice.
"What?" he asked. "Oh, the dream? I guess so."
"How often do you try and hide them from me?" A point-blank question, gently asked. Perhaps there was some hurt in Quatre's voice, but it was because Heero had been in pain.
"I just don't want to wake you," Heero replied. "I don't have them so often. More since I was returned here, after that..." Nightmare didn't cut what he had experienced.
"After what?" the blond continued to rub Heero's back. Talking usually helped, even if he felt he already knew what Heero was going to say.
"After coming back here, that dream..." Heero murmured, trying not to reflect on it.
Quatre sighed. "Wufei said she saw it, too...." It had long ago occurred to him that their minds would only take so much of this, before shattering entirely. Was that what their Keepers wanted?
He licked his dry lips, hating the cold. At least it was warm under the covers with Heero.
Heero actually leaned a little closer. "That's not what I was going to say, though. You know I'm grateful, right? I...I wish I could be of more help to you."
Quatre smiled and leaned in as well. "You are a help to me.... You remind me why I shouldn't just give up. It makes me happy to help you...even if I don't do much." He didn't know why Heero was grateful, because he really didn't think he was doing anything important, but he let that pass. The other boy was finding good in even the little things.
Heero nodded. "I'm glad. You know I'm not good at saying stuff, but, I was just thinking, about if we ever do go back, and I just realized that as much as I'd miss Relena, I'd miss you, too. Nearly as much. Even with the other Quatre there. Just like she isn't the same, you aren't either." He shrugged a little.
This touched Quatre deeply. He never realized, or wouldn't let himself realize, how much Heero cared about him. All he could say in response, however, was, "You're.....you're very kind..." It was nothing like what he wanted to say, but he couldn't put it into words at the moment. Too much gratitude... there was a lump in his throat, and he couldn't say any more.
Heero rested a hand on Quatre's arm. "I mean it. I really do. Do you want to stay over here? I think we'll both be warmer." Cold didn't bother him very much, but he knew that Quatre was definitely uncomfortable.
Quatre couldn't help nuzzling into his friend's hair, like a puppy. "Please?" Not just warmer, but more comforting. And if Heero had any more nightmares, Quatre would be there to help.
Heero smiled some, reaching to adjust the blankets a little. "Sure," he said.