[Thread] Long before they said you were no more

[bowyourheadslow]

Characters: OU!Shadow the Hedgehog, OPEN
Where: The park
When: Midnight
Summary: It's another late night for the hedgehog, as is now usual, but the snow brings memories of Maria.
Warnings: Brooding and emo. Also, depends on who shows up.

Comments

[bowyourheadslow]

Shadow nodded at her explanation, and moved his hand-come-heater and light a little closer to her. It was oddly nice to talk to her - or, at least, listen; he didn't feel like doing much talking. But Tohru had always reminded him of Maria, with how kind and gentle she was, and although it hurt to be reminded of her now that she was gone, it was also nice in some way he didn't really understand. Comforting, perhaps. She couldn't fill that void - and clearly, didn't fully understand it, judging by how upset she was that he'd ignored her in order to look after Maria in the last days she was here in the compound. But he supposed he couldn't expect her to. Nobody really could.

He nodded again as she spoke, more to show he was listening than anything else. He remembered now, too, how much closer he'd been to Tohru before Maria had arrived. It wasn't unexpected, that he would drift from her. He'd drifted from everyone in favor of spending time with his sister. He felt somewhat confused now, not sure whether to back away from everyone so that he wouldn't get too attached, or if instead he should let himself be close again, so that he wouldn't have to be so lonely. He favored the former decision. It seemed safer. But in times like this, having someone stand there and talk to break up the silence was nice, if only so he didn't have to be alone with his thoughts. It was a rare mood he was in, it seemed, and he wasn't sure if he liked it.

[bowyourheadslow]

"Consider it something to work on, then." Especially given how much time she spent around him. It wasn't as much as it had once been, when he'd been guarding her while she held Skuld's angel - he'd kept an eye on her nearly every minute of the day, then. But sharing an apartment meant that they still managed to see plenty of each other. He didn't want her thoughts pouring into his head uninvited, especially after the inexplicable telepathy that had affected him and Rouge briefly.

At least Tohru hadn't been a part of that. Rouge had had a hard enough time handling the ability to hear his thoughts. Tohru was growing up, here; he'd seen the change in the past year, but she was still relatively naive. Innocent. He wouldn't want to crush what remained of her optimism.

She did seem a lot less cheery than she'd been when he met her, these days. She'd changed for the better in some ways, becoming more knowledgeable and more capable, but she'd lost something in the process, or so it seemed. Maybe it was just due to the many hardships she'd faced in the past couple months, but Shadow had to wonder how much of that change was his fault. Hopefully she would be able to bounce back. He didn't want to be the one who'd ruined her, even if it was probably inevitable, that everyone around him would become damaged by him in some way, sooner or later. Rouge had been. Both women would be better off to stay away from him; if only they listened when he told them so.

[bowyourheadslow]

Shadow nodded. He wanted to say that she would be home soon, that she wouldn't have to worry about catastrophe here for very much longer, but out in the open was a dangerous place to do so. The Keepers probably wouldn't notice if he whispered, but anyone could be sitting in the trees, hiding. Or, hell, invisible somehow. It was paranoia, surely, but a healthy sort in a place like this where anyone might be waiting for who knew what sort of opportunity. He wouldn't be surprised if there were those here who hated him enough to want to report him to the Keepers for planning an escape. Just because he wasn't aware of having enemies here didn't mean they didn't exist.

He wasn't sure what else to say, either. It was good for her that she was so determined. He could admire that, certainly. But he didn't really wish to encourage her use of these strange types of magic. He didn't trust it, and humans weren't supposed to be able to do anything like it. And then she'd gone and spilled her thoughts in his mind. He'd been more or less uninterested in the abilities she was developing, but he was leaning towards strong dislike for them now, if they came with such an invasive side-effect.

So he changed the topic entirely.

"Were you interested in resuming your physical defense training at any point?"

It wasn't a suggestion to continue right now, of course, but he was curious if she thought she was getting anything out of it. He wasn't exactly the world's greatest teacher, after all. He was just curious, since the last time she'd asked was a while ago, now. Not long after that latest spell to affect her behavior had hit...

And that, of course, was a subject he was always careful to avoid, unless pressed.

[bowyourheadslow]

"Discipline in what sense?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her. Self-control? She had plenty of that; probably more than he did, judging by what he'd done in the past. He hadn't been trained to show mercy, or exercise judgment beyond looking for the most efficient way to destroy someone. There was also the more practical meaning to the word, which dealt with proper stances, and choreographed sequences of moves to demonstrate knowledge of a given martial art. He didn't know any of those.

The closest thing he knew in relation to the word was to do with his control of Chaos Energy, for if he didn't manage it carefully he could probably rip himself apart. But part of his ability to avoid that was instinctive, and part of it had to do with the fact that while bound, as he was at his wrists and ankles, he couldn't utilize enough of his power for it to become potentially dangerous.

[bowyourheadslow]

Combat skills, then, it sounded like. He frowned.

"I'll do what I can."

Not that he didn't think her capable of it, or even that she shouldn't learn to fight, if it would help in some way. It was a good skill to know, should the situation call for it.

"However. So long as you are here, if anything happens to you and you end up in a dangerous situation, the first thing you should do is run. Yell for help. Post a blank message on your PDA, I don't care. Get my attention somehow, because most of those here who might try to hurt you are far more skilled in combat than you probably ever will be."

He looked up at her, a stern expression on his face. "Don't you dare do anything here that will end up with you hurt."

[bowyourheadslow]

Shadow wanted to remind her that he didn't need her to heal him, that his body would take care of itself. That Rouge would deny her help no matter what. But instead he let the subject drop. Because Tohru knew these things already, she'd been told several times, and if either of them really were somehow hurt, she would try and use her new abilities to heal them, anyway. He couldn't blame her. Put in her position, he knew he would do the exact same to save the two people remaining here that he cared about.

That was the truth, wasn't it? He almost groaned at himself, but remained silent, instead just slouching forward over the edge of the stone railing, with crossed arms under his chest, and shook his head slowly. As much as he told himself it was better to push these two away so that he wouldn't keep dragging them down, he knew that was never going to happen. They were his friends, after all - the only two remaining individuals in the compound who he cared one bit about. Turning them away was some ill-conceived idea based mainly on his frustrations over their affections for him, but that was all it was. A bad idea.

He'd already lost Maria, after all. He should protect what he had while he still could, rather than throwing it away.

"Miss Honda... I owe you an apology." Nothing big, of course, but she deserved it.

[bowyourheadslow]

"I've been... exceedingly distant. I don't wish for you to think I dislike you." It was the sort of roundabout way of saying someone meant something to him that he usually resorted to. He didn't like admitting someone mattered. Because as much as he treasured Tohru and Rouge, both were weaknesses more than strengths, as he saw things. He felt tied down and obligated to help them when he could have so much more freedom to do as he liked if he only helped himself. But that in itself was contradictory, because he wanted to look after them. He sacrificed some of that freedom willingly in return for their relative safety, so long as he himself didn't end up harming them. Which usually wouldn't be a worry, except for in this place, where thoughts could be changed by a stray bit of magic so very quickly.

"I haven't been fair to you," he added, knowing there were times she had wished to talk to him, or at least know she mattered to him, and he'd been nothing but cold and heartless in return. He'd walked that path before; he wasn't interested in returning to it.

[bowyourheadslow]

Shadow sank a little against the stone railing at the side of the bridge, resting his chin on folded arms on top of it. He missed Maria to a degree beyond words, and it hurt. While he'd been furious at first, he'd calmed eventually, but now the reality of her absence was hitting him full-on a second time. He was lonely without her. He'd been here before, but he'd taken the anger, the sadness, and the sudden sharp feelings of isolation and used them to save the planet she loved. He had atoned for the effects of his wrath, giving all that he had, sacrificing himself for her wishes as she'd once done for him.

Except he hadn't died, hadn't been able to discover whether or not there was an afterlife in which they could be together in again. He'd forgotten everything, and by the time he'd rediscovered it, his past seemed so distant that he'd chosen to accept what had happened and move forward in the new life he'd forged with Rouge and Omega.

Things were more complicated now, and that was saying a lot. There was nothing to atone for, no world to be saved in her honor except for the one he was being kept away from, and no new life to bury himself in. He was stuck, and he missed her. He missed having someone he enjoyed talking to, someone he enjoyed stargazing with while sharing a blanket and a couple of mugs of hot chocolate. Shadow hadn't had time to process the depth of his loneliness before - he'd been captured by those who had killed her, brainwashed by someone he loved and trusted, then frozen, only to be loosed upon the world a half-century later with no desire but to annihilate the species responsible for his pain. Now, though, he had all the time in the world, and it was hitting him tonight of all nights like a ton of bricks.

Stony-faced and silent, Shadow nodded at Tohru's words, and stared out at the still water. More than ever, he wanted to leave this place, just so he wouldn't have to think about this any more. The sooner he got back and returned to his work, the sooner he could forget any of this had happened. He would seal up his memories of Maria in this place, and treasure them quietly, as he did the ones from when he lived on the ARK. But they would be memories of yet another distant time and place, unable to affect him as strongly as they did here and now.