About A Friend
Today I cannot help but think about choice. Not my choices per say, but the ones of those around. More specfic than that even, I am thinking about the piss poor decision my "best friend" has made and how upset I am over it.
For years she has always seemed to want things in this world that the life she lives, could not provide. I can remember us bitching about our shitty positions in life almost 7 years ago and about the shitty relationships we were in. I can remember discussing all of our pipe dreams, all of the things we would do if our lives were different, if we made a change.
And I can also remember that it just so happened that shortly afterwords, I found the opportunity to change, and then, opportuinist that I am, I found more opportunity to keep making changes. And now, I finally feel content enough in life to not to seek opporunity to make drastic changes any longer. I am progressing, I am happy, and I can bearly remember who that sad little girl was seven years ago.
Yet, in my friends case, she still is that same sad little girl...she still has dreams unfullfilled, and goals she is too afraid to reach for, because the life she leads, and the drama she breeds, bind her hands to misery instead.
However. a bold faced opportunity, of the possitive nature, recently came her way. She could leave the toxic man she has whinned about wanting to leave for near a decade now! finally! She could return back to her hometown, which she has alledgly missed for years, to a family and to friends who were all so thrilled about her impending return home. She could go to school like she alleged wanting to, and she could even do so with me, her alledged Best Friend! She even had a new guy pinned down, and perhaps even a work tranfer. Sweet freaking deal! My opporunities were never so blissfully one-sided, but jealousy aside, I was thrilled for her!
The catch with opportunity however, is that when it comes along, as it does in a blue moon, one needs to make the choice to grab it. One needs to say "fuck it, the crap I am holding onto, is just that, crap. I can do better", and then one needs to drop said crap, and grasp for better before its gone. Because thats how opportunity works, grab it, or lose it forever.
Its not so simple. Its difficult to make these choices... when you're balancing crap in one hand the unknown in the other, weighing them both against eachother and wondering "am I trading crap for crappier?" But these are the moments in life that will make you, YOU. It is in this time to make the decision to realize that, yes, the unknown is frightening, and the new decision may be a mistake. But at least it would be a NEW mistake. and with new mistakes, come new lessons, which promote self-growth, which is all empowering as hell.
It is also the time to realize that fear is just fear, and that this decision may also be the best thing ever, and that letting it pass by with the decision of undecision, is a dull and hallow mistake, because there is no changing it, because it doesn't change anything
.
She will not make the decision to decide, and by undeciding, she has chosen the path of least resistance, the path of saftey. The path of stagnation. The path of weaknes, and the path of decay. She will not make this decision because she is afraid of making a mistake. And of course one cannot make a bad decision by not making a decision atall, but one can't make anything else either, one doesn't do anything, and without ever taking that leap, one never will.
She is afraid of throwing away seven years of a piss poor relationship, because there were some good times. But when those good times are few and far between, and saturated in filth, how are those good times really worth holding on to? And what of making new good times which are pure, and not followed or preceded by shit?
Ah, but he's changed! Its funny how such an illogical untruth can be so easily belived in times of emotional crisis. The dawning ralization that change itself is not as easy as one, two,three, is crystal clear within oneself at this point, but for someone else, for him. Its simple? In one day an epiphany awashes over him, he was all wrong, a new man from now on, so sorry, ever so eternally sorry forver and ever babe? Even if people did change overnight...which as it should be obvious at this point, they don't. Can someone who does in fact have this wonderous ability to change so drastically so suddenly be trusted in the long term? What if this miraclous abilty to become someone else shifts for the worse eventually? What then? when the wolf in sheeps clothing bears his teeth again? Answer: no one will be around with another opportunity in wait, because you've already called wolf...
And all I can do, of course, is ultimately make decisions in my own life. I cannot change her, I cannot give sight to the blind. And so I question, what now? As I progress and move forward in life, actually living it, and she remains where she is, wondering why her life is miserable, wondering why her health is poor and her depression level is through the roof. I wonder how long I will allow the pity woe-is-me boo hooing to impede on my energy. I wonder how much farther spread the lack of common ground that fills our recent conversations can stretch; before its stretched to thin and we collapse as friends all together.
I had such high hopes for her, and this opportunity, I had dreams in my head of having my friend here, seeing her succeed, becoming even closer friends, cheering her on when she finally realized that she can do anything, that she doesn't need to live her life revolving around men. That she's not weak at all once she stops simply existing in fear, and starts living life for herself already!
Idle hopes and idle dreams for her. We still share that in common, and quite tragically, I think we always will.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
For years she has always seemed to want things in this world that the life she lives, could not provide. I can remember us bitching about our shitty positions in life almost 7 years ago and about the shitty relationships we were in. I can remember discussing all of our pipe dreams, all of the things we would do if our lives were different, if we made a change.
And I can also remember that it just so happened that shortly afterwords, I found the opportunity to change, and then, opportuinist that I am, I found more opportunity to keep making changes. And now, I finally feel content enough in life to not to seek opporunity to make drastic changes any longer. I am progressing, I am happy, and I can bearly remember who that sad little girl was seven years ago.
Yet, in my friends case, she still is that same sad little girl...she still has dreams unfullfilled, and goals she is too afraid to reach for, because the life she leads, and the drama she breeds, bind her hands to misery instead.
However. a bold faced opportunity, of the possitive nature, recently came her way. She could leave the toxic man she has whinned about wanting to leave for near a decade now! finally! She could return back to her hometown, which she has alledgly missed for years, to a family and to friends who were all so thrilled about her impending return home. She could go to school like she alleged wanting to, and she could even do so with me, her alledged Best Friend! She even had a new guy pinned down, and perhaps even a work tranfer. Sweet freaking deal! My opporunities were never so blissfully one-sided, but jealousy aside, I was thrilled for her!
The catch with opportunity however, is that when it comes along, as it does in a blue moon, one needs to make the choice to grab it. One needs to say "fuck it, the crap I am holding onto, is just that, crap. I can do better", and then one needs to drop said crap, and grasp for better before its gone. Because thats how opportunity works, grab it, or lose it forever.
Its not so simple. Its difficult to make these choices... when you're balancing crap in one hand the unknown in the other, weighing them both against eachother and wondering "am I trading crap for crappier?" But these are the moments in life that will make you, YOU. It is in this time to make the decision to realize that, yes, the unknown is frightening, and the new decision may be a mistake. But at least it would be a NEW mistake. and with new mistakes, come new lessons, which promote self-growth, which is all empowering as hell.
It is also the time to realize that fear is just fear, and that this decision may also be the best thing ever, and that letting it pass by with the decision of undecision, is a dull and hallow mistake, because there is no changing it, because it doesn't change anything
.
She will not make the decision to decide, and by undeciding, she has chosen the path of least resistance, the path of saftey. The path of stagnation. The path of weaknes, and the path of decay. She will not make this decision because she is afraid of making a mistake. And of course one cannot make a bad decision by not making a decision atall, but one can't make anything else either, one doesn't do anything, and without ever taking that leap, one never will.
She is afraid of throwing away seven years of a piss poor relationship, because there were some good times. But when those good times are few and far between, and saturated in filth, how are those good times really worth holding on to? And what of making new good times which are pure, and not followed or preceded by shit?
Ah, but he's changed! Its funny how such an illogical untruth can be so easily belived in times of emotional crisis. The dawning ralization that change itself is not as easy as one, two,three, is crystal clear within oneself at this point, but for someone else, for him. Its simple? In one day an epiphany awashes over him, he was all wrong, a new man from now on, so sorry, ever so eternally sorry forver and ever babe? Even if people did change overnight...which as it should be obvious at this point, they don't. Can someone who does in fact have this wonderous ability to change so drastically so suddenly be trusted in the long term? What if this miraclous abilty to become someone else shifts for the worse eventually? What then? when the wolf in sheeps clothing bears his teeth again? Answer: no one will be around with another opportunity in wait, because you've already called wolf...
And all I can do, of course, is ultimately make decisions in my own life. I cannot change her, I cannot give sight to the blind. And so I question, what now? As I progress and move forward in life, actually living it, and she remains where she is, wondering why her life is miserable, wondering why her health is poor and her depression level is through the roof. I wonder how long I will allow the pity woe-is-me boo hooing to impede on my energy. I wonder how much farther spread the lack of common ground that fills our recent conversations can stretch; before its stretched to thin and we collapse as friends all together.
I had such high hopes for her, and this opportunity, I had dreams in my head of having my friend here, seeing her succeed, becoming even closer friends, cheering her on when she finally realized that she can do anything, that she doesn't need to live her life revolving around men. That she's not weak at all once she stops simply existing in fear, and starts living life for herself already!
Idle hopes and idle dreams for her. We still share that in common, and quite tragically, I think we always will.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."