(no subject)
I think the miscarriage was a wake up call. My body has finally told me that I need to slow down.
I have been running full throttle for over two years now. I am constantly wound pretty tight and an emotional mess. I am suddenly not surprised that losing the baby has flushed me into a nervous breakdown.
I feel in some ways, I have checked out from my family life. I can't give my son and husband 100%. In the past week we have started new things like teaching him how to read and having family time and dinner time. I am enjoying these things.
I have also been the source of pain for my friends and feel as though I have been a burden on those I have surrounded myself with. I am for the most part a bad friend, partially due to the fact that it is difficult for me to have social time but mostly because I have treated people like shit. I also have horrific responses to drama and gossip oftentimes putting myself in the middle of it. I take everything to heart and personally and my brain can even twist it up so that I hit myself ove the head with it over and over again until I am so bruised. I have a hard time maintaining friendships and making them. I am thankful for the friends I do have, that see something worth keeping.
I need to come back and prioritize. I haven't failed anything I just need to make changes.
I felt like I lost everything last Tuesday. I realize that I need to lose some things... Some things I have control over. I am only human and shouldn't put such hard demands and pressure on myself. I need to come back down from my superwoman complex and touch earth, and see that all of this has not been worth it to myself or those around me.
* * *
I do regret not going out with aequitus/djsparkydog last night. I think some lipstick and to come out for some air would be good for me. Mayhaps next week I can get out. I wouldn't mind playing dress up and pretend for a night. I am planning on attending the tattoo convention this weekend with a couple of the ladies. And maybe, just maybe I will get enough guts to get my next piece.
I have been running full throttle for over two years now. I am constantly wound pretty tight and an emotional mess. I am suddenly not surprised that losing the baby has flushed me into a nervous breakdown.
I feel in some ways, I have checked out from my family life. I can't give my son and husband 100%. In the past week we have started new things like teaching him how to read and having family time and dinner time. I am enjoying these things.
I have also been the source of pain for my friends and feel as though I have been a burden on those I have surrounded myself with. I am for the most part a bad friend, partially due to the fact that it is difficult for me to have social time but mostly because I have treated people like shit. I also have horrific responses to drama and gossip oftentimes putting myself in the middle of it. I take everything to heart and personally and my brain can even twist it up so that I hit myself ove the head with it over and over again until I am so bruised. I have a hard time maintaining friendships and making them. I am thankful for the friends I do have, that see something worth keeping.
I need to come back and prioritize. I haven't failed anything I just need to make changes.
I felt like I lost everything last Tuesday. I realize that I need to lose some things... Some things I have control over. I am only human and shouldn't put such hard demands and pressure on myself. I need to come back down from my superwoman complex and touch earth, and see that all of this has not been worth it to myself or those around me.
* * *
I do regret not going out with aequitus/djsparkydog last night. I think some lipstick and to come out for some air would be good for me. Mayhaps next week I can get out. I wouldn't mind playing dress up and pretend for a night. I am planning on attending the tattoo convention this weekend with a couple of the ladies. And maybe, just maybe I will get enough guts to get my next piece.