it was nice to have hope
The glass image shattered. Today I found out UChi is definitely not giving me any money. Also, my mom has been talking to some of her friends who majored in econ, and they all said an undergraduate econ degree doesn't do much. I'm not sure what I think anymore, but all I know is that the chances of me going to UChi are slim to none now. I can be a brat and cry until I get what I want, but I already feel bad enough that my mom would be basically throwing her life savings into tuition.
Berkeley is also not such a good choice for many reasons. They have 23,000 undergraduates, so there is hardly any chance of getting some attention from your professors. Yiming says most of them don't even teach. They just play recordings of themselves lecturing. The undergraduate business program is for continuing and transfer juniors only, and the admit rate is 50%. So what if I go there and after 2 years, I apply for the business program and get rejected? Then I'd be screwed. Besides, my mom and I would both feel a little ripped off paying out-of-state tuition for Berkeley.
I might end up going to USC after all. They offered me a bunch of money, and I was admitted to a business program.
But I don't enjoy being practible. From 10PM to 11PM today, my grandfather lectured me over internet voice conferencing about how I am a stupid dreamer and how I should give up UChi, that I should stop being selfish and that I should think about what a financial burden I would be to my mom. He never raised his voice, but the words were 10,000 flying daggers, and afterwards, I cried hysterically. It wasn't a pleasant thing.
I'm just so stubborn. I can't let go of this one thought, that if I don't go to UChi, the last 4 years of my life would have been wasted. I've worked so hard, and I got into such a good school, but now all signs point to no. denied. none for me. A thought that has even less merit has to do with pride. Everyone thinks I'm so smart, but if I don't go to UChi, what will I have to show for it? And I am bitter that many people who aren't as smart as me or as talented or as creative have gone, are going, and will go to schools way better than mine. I am bitter that my stepdad's income counts as part of my "household" income even though he has never cared for me in any way. Otherwise, maybe I would have gotten at least a little help... And I also blame myself for not being better, just a little better. I wasn't even good enough to get a merit scholarship.
I am honestly so frustrated. What is the majority of my journal entries about? My grades. I've agonized and scrutinized my worth as a college hopeful for years. My mom has beaten me when I brought home bad grades until this last year, when she became too old and gave up. How many months of summer have I spent doing SAT practices? All so that I would someday go to a very reputable school. Well, that day is now, and I was so close, but it really is unreachable.
This is my end. Isn't it sad? Isn't it tragic? Isn't it emo and ridiculous?
As I cried (hysterically, as mentioned earlier), my mother stared at me blankly, but with a twinge of indifference, or disgust. She could not understand why I was acting that way, so she tried to reason with me, as if being reasonable would make me feel better. She repeated, like so many times before, all the reasons why I shouldn't and can't go to UChi, and I wished I would just go deaf. I didn't want to hear anymore. I hated human voices. I hated my crying and her talking. I forced my eyes to turn off the pipes. I said very quickly, "I'm just a little sad. That's all. I'll get over it," and I dismissed myself from the room.
Tonight I will go to sleep. I will forget. But tomorrow I will remember again, and what then?
Berkeley is also not such a good choice for many reasons. They have 23,000 undergraduates, so there is hardly any chance of getting some attention from your professors. Yiming says most of them don't even teach. They just play recordings of themselves lecturing. The undergraduate business program is for continuing and transfer juniors only, and the admit rate is 50%. So what if I go there and after 2 years, I apply for the business program and get rejected? Then I'd be screwed. Besides, my mom and I would both feel a little ripped off paying out-of-state tuition for Berkeley.
I might end up going to USC after all. They offered me a bunch of money, and I was admitted to a business program.
But I don't enjoy being practible. From 10PM to 11PM today, my grandfather lectured me over internet voice conferencing about how I am a stupid dreamer and how I should give up UChi, that I should stop being selfish and that I should think about what a financial burden I would be to my mom. He never raised his voice, but the words were 10,000 flying daggers, and afterwards, I cried hysterically. It wasn't a pleasant thing.
I'm just so stubborn. I can't let go of this one thought, that if I don't go to UChi, the last 4 years of my life would have been wasted. I've worked so hard, and I got into such a good school, but now all signs point to no. denied. none for me. A thought that has even less merit has to do with pride. Everyone thinks I'm so smart, but if I don't go to UChi, what will I have to show for it? And I am bitter that many people who aren't as smart as me or as talented or as creative have gone, are going, and will go to schools way better than mine. I am bitter that my stepdad's income counts as part of my "household" income even though he has never cared for me in any way. Otherwise, maybe I would have gotten at least a little help... And I also blame myself for not being better, just a little better. I wasn't even good enough to get a merit scholarship.
I am honestly so frustrated. What is the majority of my journal entries about? My grades. I've agonized and scrutinized my worth as a college hopeful for years. My mom has beaten me when I brought home bad grades until this last year, when she became too old and gave up. How many months of summer have I spent doing SAT practices? All so that I would someday go to a very reputable school. Well, that day is now, and I was so close, but it really is unreachable.
This is my end. Isn't it sad? Isn't it tragic? Isn't it emo and ridiculous?
As I cried (hysterically, as mentioned earlier), my mother stared at me blankly, but with a twinge of indifference, or disgust. She could not understand why I was acting that way, so she tried to reason with me, as if being reasonable would make me feel better. She repeated, like so many times before, all the reasons why I shouldn't and can't go to UChi, and I wished I would just go deaf. I didn't want to hear anymore. I hated human voices. I hated my crying and her talking. I forced my eyes to turn off the pipes. I said very quickly, "I'm just a little sad. That's all. I'll get over it," and I dismissed myself from the room.
Tonight I will go to sleep. I will forget. But tomorrow I will remember again, and what then?