(no subject)
An e-mail that I just sent to Jesse and I feel like posting. Don't feel obligated to read the whole thing.
Jesse!
It's kinda funny because I got your e-mail on a computer at the library at my local community college and read that you're taking community college courses too! It's even more funny because I am utterly exhausted and probably out of my mind ::rolls eyes:::, therefore I'm finding everything quite amusing! It's actually quite nice to be giggly and lighthearted for a change, because I've been all to serious lately. I've discovered myself completely tied down with reality. I need to get a job. I'm taking community college courses, they're nice. Have a test on Wednesday, that's stupid. I have brilliant dreams of traveling and meeting beautiful people and reuniting with old friends and seeing the world and taking black and white pictures and dancing as if no one was watching and... ahhh the list goes on. But damnit I need money to live while I'm doing all that, so I need to get a job. And I should probably start filling out college applications, and maybe reconsider taking the SATs. And I should go to bed so that I can wake up in the morning and study for that test. And call the library to talk about my zine project. I want to start a zine collection at the local library. My first stumbling block is trying to find some way of filtering the intelligent zines from the offensive crap that doesn't have a point. Don't get me wrong, I have no issues against offensive crap (though the public library does), I just don't like offensive crap that you get to the end and wonder why you wasted your time reading this thing with no point. But I don't want to censor the zines because that would make me a first rate hypocrite. So I need to sort something out. And you know what? This e-mail has evolved from a "I'm just gonna write Jesse a quick update" to "I'm gonna make this a little list of random thoughts about my life recently" to "Well, I think this turned into a stream of consciousness, gee I hope it doesn't scare him with it's incoherence or anything". *Sigh*
That actually reflects my life at the moment quite well, surprisingly. I feel like a ball that some kid threw across the street, rolling out of control down a hill. Or a whirlybird thrown out of a window on what appeared to be a calm day, but a gust of wind came up and whipped the whirlybird out of sight on a tossing and ever turning forceful current of air. ...Like when I stop to cross the street, my insides keep moving and I have to dodge cars to catch up with my own insides. I guess they are all different ways of saying I feel out of control. But I also feel apprehensive, and nervous, and curious, and numb, and brilliant, and idiotic, and idealistic, and small, and confused, and tall, and responsible, and like actually I'm not responsible- I'm just playing the roll of responsible because that's what all the little kids in the place where I volunteer think I am, and like I'm wearing too many masks and I don't have enough time to switch rolls before I arrive at the next location-- and sooner or later I'm going to get my masks mixed up and show the wrong person the wrong side of me and all hell will break loose. I feel incomplete, and lost, and oh so fucking alone, and I just want to put on music and dance with my eyes closed until I fall asleep with exhaustion-- but there's no where for me to do that-- and even if there were-there's no time to anyway, and I feel disorganized, and I feel optimistic, and naive, and like I'm sitting behind an eight ball-- giving it a glare that just dares it to come crashing over me, like I do everything the long way, like I need time to pour into a creative outlet like art, like I'm barley holding myself together, like an egg--I could possibly crack into a beautiful creature-- or I could crack into a smear of disgusting goo, I feel like one deep sigh.
I didn't know I was holding all this in, I still don't know what I'm going to say until I see the words appear on the screen, it's kinda strange. It's because I haven't been journaling recently-- whenever I do that the result is always some weird depression thing and one huge creative burst. I guess this is it. I'm wondering if I should actually send this to you. If I did I don't see why you'd want to read the whole thing. *Deep breath in, deep breath out*.
...I just read that whole thing.... ...Damn. Heh.
One of my sort-of-recent challenges to myself is to be radically honest and to not wear masks. So I think I'll send this to you.
In response to your thoughts on schedules, I totally know what you mean. Time management and organization are two REALLY big challenges for me. Like, If I could get them under control I would feel so much better about my life.
What courses are you taking? I took Eng Comp 1 and Psychology last semester, and I'm taking Eng Comp 2 and Intro to Visual Art this semester. So far so good (though notice I haven't touched math or hard sciences yet? Yeah.)
I feel like this was more of a "Kelsey rants at Jesse" than a "Kelsey and Jesse have a nice chat", but it's already so long that I'm not going to try to develop a conversation right now, with the funky mood I'm in it will only turn into a rant anyway. I'll end here, with a quote that strikes me as brilliant clarity:
"Life shrinks and expands in proportion to ones courage."
If only I could act upon my dreams,
Peace and wishes of beautiful times (and apologies for the rant),
~Kelsey
Jesse!
It's kinda funny because I got your e-mail on a computer at the library at my local community college and read that you're taking community college courses too! It's even more funny because I am utterly exhausted and probably out of my mind ::rolls eyes:::, therefore I'm finding everything quite amusing! It's actually quite nice to be giggly and lighthearted for a change, because I've been all to serious lately. I've discovered myself completely tied down with reality. I need to get a job. I'm taking community college courses, they're nice. Have a test on Wednesday, that's stupid. I have brilliant dreams of traveling and meeting beautiful people and reuniting with old friends and seeing the world and taking black and white pictures and dancing as if no one was watching and... ahhh the list goes on. But damnit I need money to live while I'm doing all that, so I need to get a job. And I should probably start filling out college applications, and maybe reconsider taking the SATs. And I should go to bed so that I can wake up in the morning and study for that test. And call the library to talk about my zine project. I want to start a zine collection at the local library. My first stumbling block is trying to find some way of filtering the intelligent zines from the offensive crap that doesn't have a point. Don't get me wrong, I have no issues against offensive crap (though the public library does), I just don't like offensive crap that you get to the end and wonder why you wasted your time reading this thing with no point. But I don't want to censor the zines because that would make me a first rate hypocrite. So I need to sort something out. And you know what? This e-mail has evolved from a "I'm just gonna write Jesse a quick update" to "I'm gonna make this a little list of random thoughts about my life recently" to "Well, I think this turned into a stream of consciousness, gee I hope it doesn't scare him with it's incoherence or anything". *Sigh*
That actually reflects my life at the moment quite well, surprisingly. I feel like a ball that some kid threw across the street, rolling out of control down a hill. Or a whirlybird thrown out of a window on what appeared to be a calm day, but a gust of wind came up and whipped the whirlybird out of sight on a tossing and ever turning forceful current of air. ...Like when I stop to cross the street, my insides keep moving and I have to dodge cars to catch up with my own insides. I guess they are all different ways of saying I feel out of control. But I also feel apprehensive, and nervous, and curious, and numb, and brilliant, and idiotic, and idealistic, and small, and confused, and tall, and responsible, and like actually I'm not responsible- I'm just playing the roll of responsible because that's what all the little kids in the place where I volunteer think I am, and like I'm wearing too many masks and I don't have enough time to switch rolls before I arrive at the next location-- and sooner or later I'm going to get my masks mixed up and show the wrong person the wrong side of me and all hell will break loose. I feel incomplete, and lost, and oh so fucking alone, and I just want to put on music and dance with my eyes closed until I fall asleep with exhaustion-- but there's no where for me to do that-- and even if there were-there's no time to anyway, and I feel disorganized, and I feel optimistic, and naive, and like I'm sitting behind an eight ball-- giving it a glare that just dares it to come crashing over me, like I do everything the long way, like I need time to pour into a creative outlet like art, like I'm barley holding myself together, like an egg--I could possibly crack into a beautiful creature-- or I could crack into a smear of disgusting goo, I feel like one deep sigh.
I didn't know I was holding all this in, I still don't know what I'm going to say until I see the words appear on the screen, it's kinda strange. It's because I haven't been journaling recently-- whenever I do that the result is always some weird depression thing and one huge creative burst. I guess this is it. I'm wondering if I should actually send this to you. If I did I don't see why you'd want to read the whole thing. *Deep breath in, deep breath out*.
...I just read that whole thing.... ...Damn. Heh.
One of my sort-of-recent challenges to myself is to be radically honest and to not wear masks. So I think I'll send this to you.
In response to your thoughts on schedules, I totally know what you mean. Time management and organization are two REALLY big challenges for me. Like, If I could get them under control I would feel so much better about my life.
What courses are you taking? I took Eng Comp 1 and Psychology last semester, and I'm taking Eng Comp 2 and Intro to Visual Art this semester. So far so good (though notice I haven't touched math or hard sciences yet? Yeah.)
I feel like this was more of a "Kelsey rants at Jesse" than a "Kelsey and Jesse have a nice chat", but it's already so long that I'm not going to try to develop a conversation right now, with the funky mood I'm in it will only turn into a rant anyway. I'll end here, with a quote that strikes me as brilliant clarity:
"Life shrinks and expands in proportion to ones courage."
If only I could act upon my dreams,
Peace and wishes of beautiful times (and apologies for the rant),
~Kelsey