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What does it mean when you notice you don't like to be around people? It isn't that I don't like people. I just don't want to be around them. Strangely, it becomes easier everyday to avoid them. I first notice with a few dead days after flipside, that I didn't have the inclination to be around people. Selecting only a few that I shared flipside with, my flipside - not the character I decided to become. Gradually, I stopped going home. Alternating weeks between my fiance's place and mine, this wasn't unusual either. But I don't want to go home. Dancy House feels very transitory right now. Like the discarded husk of a cycadid clutching to some knee high scrub to be blown into dust at any moment. With the simple perspective that one's home is precarious. That I can not only survive, but thrive without complaint in the heat and humidity... I'm muddled now. I'm still somewhere between Flipside and Home. Somewhere they got mixed up. Some how I expected my environment to be filled with people who acknowledge each other differently - and I never recovered. I'm surrounded by strangers when I leave the house. I have to talk to people who both desperately want to be known, yet don't want to know. I feel I have to make a transaction with everyone I notice - and I notice alot. In the presence of beauty I found some sort of truth in the world. That X number of people heading in one direction didn't have to have a limit, and would always approach but never reach true chaos. We all headed somewhere. Then we stopped. I went 'home.' I visited people weary of slipping into 'Freak-speak' without a translator present. I paid bills shifting constantly through characters and noises in my brain and made myself happy again. Then I worked the morning shift. I have to sleep before the sun sets, and wake before I feel its touch again. My brain hurts, I can't sleep like this. It is too quiet, too dark, too cold, too alone, too crowed, too everything. I'm more now than I've ever been and I don't know what currency or denomination I'm in. I couldn't fit behind the mask of who I was, and I don't know who I am. I didn't realize it until I couldn't get the mask on again. I couldn't pull of the same Ant that friends knew. I can't even pull off Anthony J Dalton, the legal name on all forms of identification, at the grocery store without flinching. I came down at Flipside to the song "Who am I?" and I realize just now... I've never cared to ask, am is a being verb - and I've always been in motion doing. Now, for the first time I feel like I've done something - only I don't know what it is yet, or what it means, or what it will do next. What I will do next. The question came back unanswered.
I keep coming back to Art. If I had to do it over? ... could I?
I keep coming back to Art. If I had to do it over? ... could I?