Why Marissa is a Little Ball of Stress
this isn't aimed anyone in particular, even if you think it is....and this is long, but i hope you have enough determination to stay with me<3
Life sucks. Okay, not really…I lied. I’m just, I don’t know, kind of in a bad place right now.
Yeah, of course there’s always the guy department to cheer me up. AKA, for me anyway, the most nonexistent department in my life. I make it a point to like more than one guy at a time because then I think I won’t get as crushed when imminent rejection finally arrives (but of course I do). But do you know what sucks? Not liking anyone at all. You go through your day about as lively as a zombie from the original “Dawn of the Dead.” Yeah, that energetic. I mean, yeah you have your friends and family and schoolwork and extracurriculars and shit like that to keep you occupied but there’s always that feeling of a missing something. It’s like there’s a part of you that’s dead with no one to impress, to look forward to seeing everyday, to dream about, to obsess over…wait, scratch that last one…But anyways…Do you know what also sucks? Liking four guys and then receiving rejection from all of them at the exact same time. And when I say “at the exact same time,” I really mean at the exact same time. Like, same day, with an hour or so in between each separate heartbreak. Yeah, that sucks.
Then there’s family and home life. Hah, I scoff at family. When I hear the phrase “family and home life,” all I think of is yelling and screaming and bad shit like that. And then soon after, I think, “Get me the fuck out of here!” And yet, with as much anger and hostility home brings to my life, the old saying still rings true when it advises that “home is where the heart is.” Despite the fact that my family seems to do nonstop arguing, I love them to death! I have this weird OCD shit about them. So I have lots of anxiety, like, really bad, and I always fear the worst about everything (full story to come later). For example, I can’t go to bed angry or even annoyed at one of my family members because this little voice in the back of head (my conscience? Or just the anxiety talking?) tell me, “what if they’re not here tomorrow and you never get to let them know that you love them?” Yeah I know, I’m one fucked up girl. Another example: since I always fear the worst about everything, I can’t let anyone leave the house (or hang up the phone) without me saying “Bye, love you,” about 800 times. I always think, “Well, what if they don’t come back?” That’s why I always get uneasy if a family member somehow leaves me without a chance for my “Bye, love you”s. Wow, anxiety really sucks…
So another thing, STRESS. Everyone wants 100% from my and they’re pulling me in about 80 different directions. Seriously people, I only have 100% total to give, not 100% for each of you! So school. I hate that every teacher seems to think that their class is our only or most important class. Even if it was my only class, chances are, it would be nowhere even remotely near the top of my to-do list. Sorryyyy! So another thing that causes me immense stress is all of my various extracurriculars. Yeah yeah, I know it’s my choice…But still! Being an officer or some other important part in multiple clubs is demanding enough without the advisors telling you how disappointed in you they are, or giving you even more homework than you already have from your real classes (this goes back to the teachers thinking that only their things matter). Like seroiusly, you just need to cool and realize that there are other people that aren’t me that can do something about whatever assorted problems you seem to be having with said club.
Friends are another thing. Yeah I’ll admit it, I forgive extremely easily. And I trust almost as easily. But like, for serious, sometimes “friends” suck. It just really hurts when you’re with a group of your friends and they’re talking about things that happened when they hung out the other night, yes, that night when you were almost literally bored to tears. Then you ask why no one called you. You then hear the reply, the one that you seem to get every time you ask the fateful question: “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know what you were doing.” Hon, that’s what you have a phone for. And guess what else? That’s what I have a phone for as well. And then there’s those grrrreat “friends” that constantly lie straight to your face then kick you to the curb like you were the one being the pathological liar (which I might be…just a little bit…but not that time!) and mind you, this is just after you have declared yourselves brother or sister, but just after hanging out all day every day, all night every night. It’s a funny thing about the summer - as soon as it ends, so do your friendships. Whatever, dude. And then there are always those uber-nice people who think they’re your best friend of all time when really you think them as no more than a casual acquaintance to whom you say no more than an occassional “hello” while passing by in the hallways. Now these people aren’t so “they-piss-me-off-and-stress-me-the-fuck-out”-worthy as much as a mild annoyance, so not many more words will be wasted on them. In fact, I’m done……NOW.
Another thing (hopefully it’s the last thing I can think of, although I highly doubt it) is fucking drama. Jackasses who start drama should just all live on an isolated island somewhere so they can just start shit with each other just as much as their attention-starved little hearts desire. Drama has caused me depression quite a few times. Okay, I lied (see? Pathological liar…); maybe only like twice, tops. It really sucks when it’s because people stick their nose in where it so obviously doesn’t belong in the first place. It’s just like, “Dude, it doesn’t incolve you so fuck off already.” Some of the time it’s just rumors which is just plan gay, if you don’t mind my sayin’ so. Just learn to brush it off and live you goddamn life. What anyone else might’ve said doesn’t matter (unless, of course, it’s about your dear mother) as long as you are okay and secure with yourself. Yeah you can get upset and rant to people about it all you want (kinda like I am now?), but like, for serious, don’t unnecessarily start shit because of something someone might’ve said because that’s just bullshit. Brush it the fuck off and get over it.
Sooooo SADD. I’ve realized, since joining this club, that it is complete and utter bullshit. I’ve completely ditched the last three meetings and don’t plan on showing up anytime soon. I plan to never sign up again. “Students Against Destructive Decisions” my ass. And that’s all I’m gonna say because I don’t really wanna get anyone in trouble or anything. That’s not what I’m out to do, as much I want to.
Other things that kill me every second of every day are my self-(and Leanne-) diagnosed mental disorders. Haha. Oh, where to start? Let’s start with my OCD, which I mentioned before. I have all these weird little quirks that irk me to no end. For example, everything has to be even. Everything. If I’m arranging things on a table, they all have to be evenly spaced. If I scratch my right hand, it feels uneven so I have to scratch my left hang in the exact same spot. If I eat something like fruit snacks, I have to count them before I eat them. I have to chew the same number of things on each side of my mouth or else it seems uneven and, therefore, uncomfortable to me. If there’s an odd number of things then I have to divide the last one in half so it’s even. Only certain number are acceptable for certain things. For example, numbers of volume on a car radio. Anything that ends in one or four is unacceptable and I have to change it. Yucky. I get the chills just thinking about it. Yeah, I know you’re thinking it. I know only because I think it of myself pretty much 24//7: Marissa’s psycho. Well guess what? That’s barely the beginning of it! Next most life-disrupting is my hypochondria. I know they that usually, hypochondriacs go to the doctor a lot, etc. and I can’t really do that. But believe me, if I could, I would. I’ll read something about a disease and I’ll totally think that I have it and I can’t get out of my head for days even though I know that I’m almost completely crazy. Like this one time, I read that constant tiredness is a symptom of leukemia and I swear to god, I cried and thought that I was gonna die (turns out I had low iron, just in case you were curious). I think I’m only a hypochondriac because I’m for some reason unbeknowest to me, scared to death of…well…death. I remember when I was little, I used to think about it a lot at night when I had nothing else to think about. I would run downstairs crying to my mom, “Mommy, I don’t wanna die! I don’t want you and Daddy to die! And Lauren and Stephanie! And I don’t want Mom-mom and Pop-pop [who has since passed away] to die!” I remember one specific time my mom told me that I was going to heaven and I said no and I was going to “the other place.” Haha. Yeah man, I was a heavy child. But anyway…now the most disruptive disorder, and probably that reason for the other two, is my severe anxiety. As I mentioned before, it is really really bad and I always imagine the worse-case scenario. I just can’t help it. I worry about everything from being caught in school with my iPod and getting it taken away to death. Yeah, fucking extremes, haha, but it’s true. It feels good to actually explain this to someone (even though, #1. you probably aren’t really thins anymore, and #2. you probably think I’m absolutely, positively, 100% crazy, and in need of major therapy. Well, maybe I am…). It just kinda takes over my life, my anxiety. It’s mostly about things, though, that could quite possibly end in my, or a loved one’s, death. That’s why, as much as some people say they are jealous of something I have and wat to be me or something (as infrequent as that happens), I try as much as humanly possible to discourage them and their whim. They would have that one thing that they wanted from me, but wouldn’t be at all worth it to also get the anxiety-ridden mind of Marissa.
So I’ve been talking and ranting about things that suck, and why I’m not in a very good place right now, but I’ll tell you about one thing that almost never pisses me off. Something that makes me happy above all else. I know it sounds mad cliché, but you just need to hear me out first before you condemn me as just another face in the meaningless crowd. The one thing that makes me happier than anything or anyone that has ever and will ever exist in this galaxy or any other is so simple, yet so complex as the same time…MUSIC. Well don’t write me off just yet, dear readers, if you’re still with me. Music is what I wanna do. I wanna go to Westminster and double major in musical theatre and vocal performance. I wanna be on Broadway. My one huge dream is to become a classical singer like Josh Groban or Andrea Bocelli. Music is what keeps me alive and surviving in this life. It’s always been there for me - to cheer me up, to feed my anger, to nurse, on more than one occasion, an emo mood, et cetera to no end. When I’m not singing or playing piano or listening to music, I’m just not, in the very least bit, happy. My dad has told me, on more than one overly sappy occasion, that he has never seen me happier than when I sing. In fact, one of my greatest fears is to lose my voice. Kinda like Ariel in “The Little Mermaid.” I’m scared of permanently losing my voice so I’ll never be able to sing ever again. I mean, come on. The sole reason why I love long travels is because I can listen to all the music I want to, just so long as I have enough battery to last me until we reach our destination. And chances are, if I’m not listening to music, I’m singing, usually a cappella. Some people claim that “Music = LIFE.” Well when I say it, I truly mean that is I didn’t have music, I would be no more.
Life sucks. Okay, not really…I lied. I’m just, I don’t know, kind of in a bad place right now.
Yeah, of course there’s always the guy department to cheer me up. AKA, for me anyway, the most nonexistent department in my life. I make it a point to like more than one guy at a time because then I think I won’t get as crushed when imminent rejection finally arrives (but of course I do). But do you know what sucks? Not liking anyone at all. You go through your day about as lively as a zombie from the original “Dawn of the Dead.” Yeah, that energetic. I mean, yeah you have your friends and family and schoolwork and extracurriculars and shit like that to keep you occupied but there’s always that feeling of a missing something. It’s like there’s a part of you that’s dead with no one to impress, to look forward to seeing everyday, to dream about, to obsess over…wait, scratch that last one…But anyways…Do you know what also sucks? Liking four guys and then receiving rejection from all of them at the exact same time. And when I say “at the exact same time,” I really mean at the exact same time. Like, same day, with an hour or so in between each separate heartbreak. Yeah, that sucks.
Then there’s family and home life. Hah, I scoff at family. When I hear the phrase “family and home life,” all I think of is yelling and screaming and bad shit like that. And then soon after, I think, “Get me the fuck out of here!” And yet, with as much anger and hostility home brings to my life, the old saying still rings true when it advises that “home is where the heart is.” Despite the fact that my family seems to do nonstop arguing, I love them to death! I have this weird OCD shit about them. So I have lots of anxiety, like, really bad, and I always fear the worst about everything (full story to come later). For example, I can’t go to bed angry or even annoyed at one of my family members because this little voice in the back of head (my conscience? Or just the anxiety talking?) tell me, “what if they’re not here tomorrow and you never get to let them know that you love them?” Yeah I know, I’m one fucked up girl. Another example: since I always fear the worst about everything, I can’t let anyone leave the house (or hang up the phone) without me saying “Bye, love you,” about 800 times. I always think, “Well, what if they don’t come back?” That’s why I always get uneasy if a family member somehow leaves me without a chance for my “Bye, love you”s. Wow, anxiety really sucks…
So another thing, STRESS. Everyone wants 100% from my and they’re pulling me in about 80 different directions. Seriously people, I only have 100% total to give, not 100% for each of you! So school. I hate that every teacher seems to think that their class is our only or most important class. Even if it was my only class, chances are, it would be nowhere even remotely near the top of my to-do list. Sorryyyy! So another thing that causes me immense stress is all of my various extracurriculars. Yeah yeah, I know it’s my choice…But still! Being an officer or some other important part in multiple clubs is demanding enough without the advisors telling you how disappointed in you they are, or giving you even more homework than you already have from your real classes (this goes back to the teachers thinking that only their things matter). Like seroiusly, you just need to cool and realize that there are other people that aren’t me that can do something about whatever assorted problems you seem to be having with said club.
Friends are another thing. Yeah I’ll admit it, I forgive extremely easily. And I trust almost as easily. But like, for serious, sometimes “friends” suck. It just really hurts when you’re with a group of your friends and they’re talking about things that happened when they hung out the other night, yes, that night when you were almost literally bored to tears. Then you ask why no one called you. You then hear the reply, the one that you seem to get every time you ask the fateful question: “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know what you were doing.” Hon, that’s what you have a phone for. And guess what else? That’s what I have a phone for as well. And then there’s those grrrreat “friends” that constantly lie straight to your face then kick you to the curb like you were the one being the pathological liar (which I might be…just a little bit…but not that time!) and mind you, this is just after you have declared yourselves brother or sister, but just after hanging out all day every day, all night every night. It’s a funny thing about the summer - as soon as it ends, so do your friendships. Whatever, dude. And then there are always those uber-nice people who think they’re your best friend of all time when really you think them as no more than a casual acquaintance to whom you say no more than an occassional “hello” while passing by in the hallways. Now these people aren’t so “they-piss-me-off-and-stress-me-the-fuck-out”-worthy as much as a mild annoyance, so not many more words will be wasted on them. In fact, I’m done……NOW.
Another thing (hopefully it’s the last thing I can think of, although I highly doubt it) is fucking drama. Jackasses who start drama should just all live on an isolated island somewhere so they can just start shit with each other just as much as their attention-starved little hearts desire. Drama has caused me depression quite a few times. Okay, I lied (see? Pathological liar…); maybe only like twice, tops. It really sucks when it’s because people stick their nose in where it so obviously doesn’t belong in the first place. It’s just like, “Dude, it doesn’t incolve you so fuck off already.” Some of the time it’s just rumors which is just plan gay, if you don’t mind my sayin’ so. Just learn to brush it off and live you goddamn life. What anyone else might’ve said doesn’t matter (unless, of course, it’s about your dear mother) as long as you are okay and secure with yourself. Yeah you can get upset and rant to people about it all you want (kinda like I am now?), but like, for serious, don’t unnecessarily start shit because of something someone might’ve said because that’s just bullshit. Brush it the fuck off and get over it.
Sooooo SADD. I’ve realized, since joining this club, that it is complete and utter bullshit. I’ve completely ditched the last three meetings and don’t plan on showing up anytime soon. I plan to never sign up again. “Students Against Destructive Decisions” my ass. And that’s all I’m gonna say because I don’t really wanna get anyone in trouble or anything. That’s not what I’m out to do, as much I want to.
Other things that kill me every second of every day are my self-(and Leanne-) diagnosed mental disorders. Haha. Oh, where to start? Let’s start with my OCD, which I mentioned before. I have all these weird little quirks that irk me to no end. For example, everything has to be even. Everything. If I’m arranging things on a table, they all have to be evenly spaced. If I scratch my right hand, it feels uneven so I have to scratch my left hang in the exact same spot. If I eat something like fruit snacks, I have to count them before I eat them. I have to chew the same number of things on each side of my mouth or else it seems uneven and, therefore, uncomfortable to me. If there’s an odd number of things then I have to divide the last one in half so it’s even. Only certain number are acceptable for certain things. For example, numbers of volume on a car radio. Anything that ends in one or four is unacceptable and I have to change it. Yucky. I get the chills just thinking about it. Yeah, I know you’re thinking it. I know only because I think it of myself pretty much 24//7: Marissa’s psycho. Well guess what? That’s barely the beginning of it! Next most life-disrupting is my hypochondria. I know they that usually, hypochondriacs go to the doctor a lot, etc. and I can’t really do that. But believe me, if I could, I would. I’ll read something about a disease and I’ll totally think that I have it and I can’t get out of my head for days even though I know that I’m almost completely crazy. Like this one time, I read that constant tiredness is a symptom of leukemia and I swear to god, I cried and thought that I was gonna die (turns out I had low iron, just in case you were curious). I think I’m only a hypochondriac because I’m for some reason unbeknowest to me, scared to death of…well…death. I remember when I was little, I used to think about it a lot at night when I had nothing else to think about. I would run downstairs crying to my mom, “Mommy, I don’t wanna die! I don’t want you and Daddy to die! And Lauren and Stephanie! And I don’t want Mom-mom and Pop-pop [who has since passed away] to die!” I remember one specific time my mom told me that I was going to heaven and I said no and I was going to “the other place.” Haha. Yeah man, I was a heavy child. But anyway…now the most disruptive disorder, and probably that reason for the other two, is my severe anxiety. As I mentioned before, it is really really bad and I always imagine the worse-case scenario. I just can’t help it. I worry about everything from being caught in school with my iPod and getting it taken away to death. Yeah, fucking extremes, haha, but it’s true. It feels good to actually explain this to someone (even though, #1. you probably aren’t really thins anymore, and #2. you probably think I’m absolutely, positively, 100% crazy, and in need of major therapy. Well, maybe I am…). It just kinda takes over my life, my anxiety. It’s mostly about things, though, that could quite possibly end in my, or a loved one’s, death. That’s why, as much as some people say they are jealous of something I have and wat to be me or something (as infrequent as that happens), I try as much as humanly possible to discourage them and their whim. They would have that one thing that they wanted from me, but wouldn’t be at all worth it to also get the anxiety-ridden mind of Marissa.
So I’ve been talking and ranting about things that suck, and why I’m not in a very good place right now, but I’ll tell you about one thing that almost never pisses me off. Something that makes me happy above all else. I know it sounds mad cliché, but you just need to hear me out first before you condemn me as just another face in the meaningless crowd. The one thing that makes me happier than anything or anyone that has ever and will ever exist in this galaxy or any other is so simple, yet so complex as the same time…MUSIC. Well don’t write me off just yet, dear readers, if you’re still with me. Music is what I wanna do. I wanna go to Westminster and double major in musical theatre and vocal performance. I wanna be on Broadway. My one huge dream is to become a classical singer like Josh Groban or Andrea Bocelli. Music is what keeps me alive and surviving in this life. It’s always been there for me - to cheer me up, to feed my anger, to nurse, on more than one occasion, an emo mood, et cetera to no end. When I’m not singing or playing piano or listening to music, I’m just not, in the very least bit, happy. My dad has told me, on more than one overly sappy occasion, that he has never seen me happier than when I sing. In fact, one of my greatest fears is to lose my voice. Kinda like Ariel in “The Little Mermaid.” I’m scared of permanently losing my voice so I’ll never be able to sing ever again. I mean, come on. The sole reason why I love long travels is because I can listen to all the music I want to, just so long as I have enough battery to last me until we reach our destination. And chances are, if I’m not listening to music, I’m singing, usually a cappella. Some people claim that “Music = LIFE.” Well when I say it, I truly mean that is I didn’t have music, I would be no more.