Aug 15, 2004 03:08
Im tired, I feel sick, and I need to get up early for church tomorrow. Sleep is obviously not part of this process...
These past couple of days have been, lets just say interesting. I watched one of the best things that had ever happened to me fall apart, and yet its not sadness I feel, but regret. How could so much time be wasted right underneath my nose, how could I have let this happen? I bet you are wondering, "How could something be the best thing that has ever happend to you, if you have regrets?" The problem is, I can't really explain that, it is what it is, and its nothing more than that. I've played this game before though, and I can play it again. I guess I was just telling myself that everything was going to stay the same forever. I just don't know where I went wrong...
I just wish I didn't let people get so close to me but it is nothing that I can help, its just my personality, its just me. There is always a barrier at first that most people can break down, but its a closer group of people that only really get a chance to get to know me for who I really am. I wish that part of me didn't exist. Sometimes I wish I could be like my brother and be happy and content with the video games that he plays all day. Not worry about what he is wearing, not worry what he looks like. Sometimes I look at him wondering how can you not be depressed? Its like he doesn't have any real feelings, even though somewhere inside him I know he is just bottling it all up. I would give anything for my life to be as simple and emotionless as his right now.
It has been interesting watching all that has changed since ive left. I sit on the side lines and just watch everything happen without any control from me, as there is nothing I can control. It just makes me curious as to what are things going to be like in 2006 or 2007? Are the people who I once called my good friends still going to be just that? As far as I am concerned, moving is the ultimate relationship tester (any relationship), you get to see who your friends really are, and who really does take the time to still care about you. That is the only thing about moving that I look forward to, seeing who I still will be talking to weeks, months, even years after I have left. What makes things like that depressing though, is that you start to lose people you thought you were going to keep in contact with forever, it is all enevitable (my new favorite word).
The last year or so I haven't done much talking on the phone to very many people. During the last week, I had a 3 hour conversation with Jessie, a 2 hour conversation with Megan, and a hour and a half long conversation with Annie. I love variety, and its been great being able to carry on conversations for that long again, as I thought I had lost my talent :)
Sorry this post is so random, but I guess thats kind of how I feel right now. Nothing is making much sense to me at this point, but I wish I knew what was wrong. Hopefully everything will be fine once school starts, as I am 99.9% sure that it will be...
...Change is a beautiful thing...