(no subject)
So, I finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows this morning.
It was so hard reading this book, knowing it's the last. I've been with the series for so long, 'watched' these characters grow up, gotten to know them as if they were my own friends. Reading those last words and closing that cover struck me like the death of a very close friend, and now I feel like I'm in mourning for that dear friend. I burst into tears randomly, sadness and a physical ache swell in me when I think about it. Not because the book is sad, because it definitely is in parts, but just simply because it is the last. It really is like someone dying. Though you can go back and read the books time after time, there will be no more. No new memories, no new adventures and experiences. This is it. The end. And though I knew I would be sad coming to the end, I didn't think it would hit me this hard or that it would be this hard to cope with.
I know most people probably think me silly, or else a complete idiot for feeling this strongly about a silly book. But to me it's so much more than a silly book, the characters more than just words on paper. They were like real people with fully developed emotions, opinions, beliefs and morals. While I'm relatively happy with the way the book ended(although much too briefly in my opinion), I cannot help but mourn what has been lost. The journey has come to an end.
What I went through with my older brothers seems to be repeating itself. I remember when they first started getting arrested. Their first trips to jail, how my mum and I went to visit them and how hard that was for both of us, to see them like that.
It's happening again, only this time with my little brother, Jon. The same little brother who I use to sing to sleep when he was 12, who use to sit and watch Queer as Folk with me and ask me probing questions about gay sex. The same little brother who I use to go to Knott's Berry Farm with all the time and go on rides all day with, until our voices were hoarse from screaming and we were exhausted from all the running around.
Jon's been going downhill for quite a while. He does drugs, he hangs out with the wrong crowd. Last week, he broke into my grandparents' house(where my birth mum lives) and stole their laptop computer, and $200 my mum had saved up. It's a bizarre and twisted story but to put it shortly, my mum immediately called him when they discovered it'd been broken into, and Jon 'somehow' managed to 'recover' the laptop computer. When confronted by both my mum, grandmother, and a police officer, Jon finally admitted to breaking in and stealing the computer(though he continued to deny taking the money), after many lies and excuses. Both my mum and my grandparents decided to press charges. So he's in jail, on charges of grand theft, burglary, tresspassing, breaking and entering, obstruction of justice(or an investigation? something like that), etc. you name it, they're throwing the book at him. Who knows how long he'll be in jail for, and I can't bear to go see him. I love him, but I can't get involved. I can't put my heart into it like I did with my older brothers. It'll ruin me. I've broken before and put myself back together, but I'm not sure if I can do that again. Not with my little brother. So I must learn to love him, but keep my distance. It's hard. The big, protective sister in me wants to go break him out of jail and tell him everything will be okay, but I know it won't. Not for him. He's entered where he can not return, and I can't follow.
Needless to say, it hasn't been a very good week. I'm battling some serious depression, and work actually sent me home early tonight because I was on the verge of tears while dealing with guests. Ugh. I need to get my head on straight. I'll be 25 on Wednesday, the 25th. Almost a quarter of a century old, and yet right now I feel like a kid for some reason. A kid trying to come to grips with the fact that her brother is a criminal. Can someone say de ja vu?
Speaking of my birthday, my dad says he and my mum are going to buy me a new digital camera as their gift, which will be nice. I'm thinking of buying myself a new computer sometime in the near future. I really wanted to do that cruise to New Zealand, but that's just not realistic. There's no way I'll be able to save up $3000 or more by the winter. I only have about 1K$ saved up right now; I had to spend some of my savings on my car insurance, registration, etc. I need to get a new California license and I'm sure they'll hit me with a huge penalty because I've been in the state for so long without one. Bugger.
Blimey, I'm tired. I need to go get some sleep. I hate how exhausted depression makes me. I just wanna sleep all the time. Hate this.
It was so hard reading this book, knowing it's the last. I've been with the series for so long, 'watched' these characters grow up, gotten to know them as if they were my own friends. Reading those last words and closing that cover struck me like the death of a very close friend, and now I feel like I'm in mourning for that dear friend. I burst into tears randomly, sadness and a physical ache swell in me when I think about it. Not because the book is sad, because it definitely is in parts, but just simply because it is the last. It really is like someone dying. Though you can go back and read the books time after time, there will be no more. No new memories, no new adventures and experiences. This is it. The end. And though I knew I would be sad coming to the end, I didn't think it would hit me this hard or that it would be this hard to cope with.
I know most people probably think me silly, or else a complete idiot for feeling this strongly about a silly book. But to me it's so much more than a silly book, the characters more than just words on paper. They were like real people with fully developed emotions, opinions, beliefs and morals. While I'm relatively happy with the way the book ended(although much too briefly in my opinion), I cannot help but mourn what has been lost. The journey has come to an end.
What I went through with my older brothers seems to be repeating itself. I remember when they first started getting arrested. Their first trips to jail, how my mum and I went to visit them and how hard that was for both of us, to see them like that.
It's happening again, only this time with my little brother, Jon. The same little brother who I use to sing to sleep when he was 12, who use to sit and watch Queer as Folk with me and ask me probing questions about gay sex. The same little brother who I use to go to Knott's Berry Farm with all the time and go on rides all day with, until our voices were hoarse from screaming and we were exhausted from all the running around.
Jon's been going downhill for quite a while. He does drugs, he hangs out with the wrong crowd. Last week, he broke into my grandparents' house(where my birth mum lives) and stole their laptop computer, and $200 my mum had saved up. It's a bizarre and twisted story but to put it shortly, my mum immediately called him when they discovered it'd been broken into, and Jon 'somehow' managed to 'recover' the laptop computer. When confronted by both my mum, grandmother, and a police officer, Jon finally admitted to breaking in and stealing the computer(though he continued to deny taking the money), after many lies and excuses. Both my mum and my grandparents decided to press charges. So he's in jail, on charges of grand theft, burglary, tresspassing, breaking and entering, obstruction of justice(or an investigation? something like that), etc. you name it, they're throwing the book at him. Who knows how long he'll be in jail for, and I can't bear to go see him. I love him, but I can't get involved. I can't put my heart into it like I did with my older brothers. It'll ruin me. I've broken before and put myself back together, but I'm not sure if I can do that again. Not with my little brother. So I must learn to love him, but keep my distance. It's hard. The big, protective sister in me wants to go break him out of jail and tell him everything will be okay, but I know it won't. Not for him. He's entered where he can not return, and I can't follow.
Needless to say, it hasn't been a very good week. I'm battling some serious depression, and work actually sent me home early tonight because I was on the verge of tears while dealing with guests. Ugh. I need to get my head on straight. I'll be 25 on Wednesday, the 25th. Almost a quarter of a century old, and yet right now I feel like a kid for some reason. A kid trying to come to grips with the fact that her brother is a criminal. Can someone say de ja vu?
Speaking of my birthday, my dad says he and my mum are going to buy me a new digital camera as their gift, which will be nice. I'm thinking of buying myself a new computer sometime in the near future. I really wanted to do that cruise to New Zealand, but that's just not realistic. There's no way I'll be able to save up $3000 or more by the winter. I only have about 1K$ saved up right now; I had to spend some of my savings on my car insurance, registration, etc. I need to get a new California license and I'm sure they'll hit me with a huge penalty because I've been in the state for so long without one. Bugger.
Blimey, I'm tired. I need to go get some sleep. I hate how exhausted depression makes me. I just wanna sleep all the time. Hate this.