(no subject)

[echoes_of_agony]

im falling apart in the most poetic fashion: every part of me is aching. mentally, physically. something has happened to me. ive tracked it, somewhat. and im scared. scared in at least three ways. am i creating the fear? is the fear real? or if i stop creating it, will i miss the real fear? i cry at least three times a week. not in the silent tear down the cheek kind of way, in the inconsolable sobbing, can't breathe or speak kind of way. it's almost foolish.
it started last year, i think.
or maybe five years ago.
or four.
you know, around that time.
but it's either killing me literally. or metaphorically. and im at a loss. and im losing. i can feel it right now.
and someone will ask what i mean, and i wont give a response.
because it's foolish.
but not at the same time.
and i know the advice i will get. and how i will respond. because it cant be that simple. and i cant be that dumb. and i cant admit that ive been wrong that many times. and i cant accept that my worries are baseless.
im foolish. completely foolish.
but scared out of my mind.
what if im right this time.
i can't take being right.
please let me get over this bump.
let me get past it and realize that it is normal.
and that i need help.
i need help.
i need someone outside of my inner circle. i need someone completely new to me. someone to yell at me. someone to say, "get a grip, bernadette," and then fix me.
someone please fix me. because i cant do this anymore.
i cant sleep. i abhor being alone because i think too much. and i can barely watch tv or read a book without doing it.
it it it it it it it it.
i think it's even more serious than this.
i think it's beyond what we've understood.
it's debilitating.
it's hurting more than what i think is hurting me.
and none of this makes sense to anyone.
and im probably crazy.
and id like that.
because it would mean that i what i think is true isnt.
and what scares me won't hurt me.
id like to be crazy.