"Last updated 43 weeks ago"....

Mar 23, 2008 20:07

I never wrote here for anyone else, just for myself and somehow I've forgotten about it. So here I go on my rant of all rants because it's been so long and I feel like I have some things to say, even if no one else reads them, it makes me feel better at least knowing it's out.

This year is less than 1/4 in and it's shaken me up and changed me so much more in this little time than I remember anything else ever effecting me the rest of my life prior. January came in with a roar and Scott and I broke up 9 days in, which was for the best to be entirely honest. The lying, the secrecy, the sneaking, the FIGHTING!!!... I looked on blindly for so long because there were times we would be so happy together that it would make me not want to think about all of the bad things. It took a long time for me to realize how bad I was truly hurting.. and I didn't want to any more.

Ten days following the break-up I decided along with Leah we'd take a trip. I went out of my character for a moment and decided to jump and do something spur of the moment and not plan too far ahead.. just see where it took me. Three hours into our road trip we were t-boned by a semi, yes a semi. Yes, we're ok and I lived through that horrific experience and I realized how strong I truly am for holding it together the way I did. (and still am!)

About a week after I chopped off all my hair, wayyy short for me :) I just decided it was time for a life change! (yep, the hair going was all a part of it!)

Now here I am 2 months later reflecting back and seeing where I am and where I'd like to be.

I'm modeling again. I LOVE it.. No one seems to understand how much of a simple joy it is for me to be in front of the camera and yes it is work! It takes talent and work to model and I don't care what anyone says about it!

I did a 4 hour shoot not even 2 weeks ago and it was incredibly painful for me, but I didn't even feel anything until I was done. (boy did I regret it the next day) I went to work the next day anyway and pulled my shit together. Then last Sunday I did a test shoot with the amazing Ian Gattie for WNY's Finest 2009 calendar. I am going to be participating in a show in May as well, but don't have the full details on that yet.

I'm getting my shit together and realizing I don't need someone else to make me happy. Happiness should come from within and if you are lucky enough to share your happiness with you then that's it right there. Enjoy the simple pleasures in life, whatever they may be for you. Enjoy yourself and be a little selfish every once in awhile. Life is fragile, as we're often told and can be taken from you at any moment. The instant I looked up and saw the semi coming at me I thought my life was over, and to be ENTIRELY, COMPLETELY HONEST I was so disappointed in myself. I never do anything for me; what makes me happy. So now I am and will continue to do so. My great friends that have surrounded me the past 2 months have shown that they will support me in my times of need and I am forever grateful for them.

I wrote a blog back on January 17, 2007 where I said, "...I was strong and independent. I don't need a guy to make me whole or to fulfill my needs. I can do most anything on my own." I'm back to that and it's amazing!

I don't need anyone to make me whole and fill my voids. I want to fill my own voids. I want to be happy with me, all of me, all of my life: me!

*end of rant*

That's all for now :)
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